Alix's letter to Queen Victoria, five days after the recent and deeply traumatising death of Alix's father, dated March 18, 1892

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, pages 250 to 252, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

Darmstadt
March 18th/92
My own darling Grandmama,
Your sweet and kind letter arrived just this minute and I send You my most heartfelt thanks for it, as well as for Your other one, which please forgive my not having answered yet.

Oh, dearest Grandmaam, I can scarcely write, I feel so utterly broken. This irreparable loss seems nearly too hard to bear, and to have to begin life again, when one's sunshine has been taken from one, one scarcely knows how to do so. Yet one must be brave and try to be like Him and do what one thinks He would have wished. Oh, how awfully one misses, daily more and more. To think that one never more shall be able to see His beloved, precious face and never to hear His sweet voice again, oh, my darling Grandmama, it is too terrible and one knows not how to say, "Thy Will be done."

A greater angel never was, so good, dear, kind, beloved. He was everything to me, and the more we were left alone to-gether, the more one felt drawn close to Him, and yet one could not keep Him, out of our midst He was taken, so full of life and vigour still. But one must try and be calm. I am sure our heavenly Father would not have taken Him from us, if it had not been to spare Him many an earthly sorrow. If He had always remained an invalide, how fearful that would have been.

Poor dear Ernie, so suddenly placed in such a position, and with such responsibilities on his young shoulders. He is so brave and good, the dear Boy. To him I must now give all my affections and try to help him were I can and I am sure You, beloved Grandmama, will always be ready to give him advice and love when he needs it.

How good and full of kindness You always were to beloved Papa and us all — we never can forget it and You know how His devotion was to You and how ours is.

May God comfort You in Your great sorrow, dear Grandmama.

It is such a comfort having dear Sisters here, and Aunt Vicky and Uncles were also so kind.

So many loving thanks for sending me the Service and special prayers of the 17th.
Please forgive my letter not being properly written, but I scarcely know how to write yet.

Kissing You dear Hand most affectionately, I am, Beloved Grandmama,
Your ever very loving, truly devoted, dutiful and deeply sorrowing Child
Alix

How happy he will be now, united with sweet Mama & the dear little ones & I am sure they are now looking down upon us & watching over us in our deep sorrow.
A tender kiss for the sweetest of all Grandmamas.

Above: Alix and her sisters in mourning for their father.

Above: Alix with her father.

Above: Queen Victoria.

Note: Alix's father, Grand Duke Louis IV of Hesse, had died from a heart attack at the New Palace in Darmstadt on March 13, 1892.