Alix's letter to Queen Victoria, dated December 26, 1892

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, pages 289 to 291, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

Königliches Schloss, Kiel
December 26th 1892
My own darling Grandmama,
I send You my most loving and heartfelt thanks for the lovely bracelet with my beloved Papa's head — nothing could have given me greater pleasure and I shall wear it constantly. Also for 'Tennyson's Works' and the sweet little Card, most tender thanks.

I received many lovely Presents, amongst others, a beautiful bracelet from Ernie, aranged out of buttons belonging to dear Papa, which makes it of course more valuable to me, he always knows how to give one pleasure, and I am sure there never was a dearer and kinder Brother.

It is such a comfort being able to spend Xmas here, as it would have been too painful the first time alone at home, but nevertheless it was hard going away from the Rosenhöhe.

Darling Grandmama, I hope You are spending these days happily with all the Relations and though we are not able to be with You, my thoughts, prayers and most earnest and tenderest wishes for the New Year are surounding You.

There is one thing I wanted to tell You still. I have had a formal invitation to go to Berlin for Mossy's wedding and Ernie thought it right that I should accept it as I have already been asked for the other occasion the last years and did not go. Finger also thinks it right I should go being the only Hessian Princess. I must say I dread it teribly, as I have a great dislike of such large festivities, and especially now that I have lost my own sweet darling Papa, but it must be, and I pray God may give me strength to do my duty. Ernie wrote to Aunt Vicky to ask her whether she would take me into her house instead of him, so as that I could be under her protection, and she has kindly agreed to it. Irène being also in the house will make it so much pleasanter for me, as if I had to live in the Schloss with all the guests, and no married nearer Relation, it would not have been so easy and far more tiring, as one would perpetually have to be running up and down.

It is bitterly cold to-day and snowing fast, regular Xmas weather.

But I must end my letter now, as a long letter is in the way, when I fear You must be having very much to do.

Thanking You again many times for the lovely presents and with my very tenderest wishes that the New Year may bring You much joy and happiness and good health, I remain, Darling Grandmama dear, Your ever deeply devoted, loving and grateful Child
Alix
God bless and protect You!
Many a loving and tender kiss for my dearest Grandmama

Above: Alix.

Above: Queen Victoria.

Alix's letter to Nicholas, dated August 28 and 29/September 9 and 10 (New Style), 1894

Sources:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 327 to 330, by George Hawkins, 2023

George Hawkins at Letters and writings of Nicholas II and his family on Facebook

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid0rc8WEMsg5Pm1EPAk6WVrKEaXJSBpcUxsQTBkhpov93NFtQ79PY3gXradvMCNeC4Gl&id=100067001081671&mibextid=Nif5oz

"Soon after her engagement, Alix began learning Russian in earnest, though she found it difficult. By September 1894, she was confident enough to write 2 pages of her daily letter to Nicholas in Russian by herself without help from Ekaterina Schneider - naturally enough there were mistakes, (and she wrote she was afraid of making mistakes) but an amazing effort for someone who had only been learning for approximately 3 months. ..."

The letter excerpt:

... о тебе, я скучно без мой дорогой лаусбуб. — Когда будешь ты у нас. И ты думаешь что я делала успехы, но я боюсь (ошибок?) — Это письмо очень скучно, но я не могу говорить что я хочу, подому что я забываю слова, и я пишу теперь одна. — Я так доволен чтобы доктор мог уехать, и что твой отец спит лучше. Говорй ему много Grüsse для обо мне. —

English translation (by Hawkins):

[I cannot live without you. I think] about you [all the time], I'm lonely without my dear lausbub. When will you be with us. And you think that I made progress, but I'm afraid (mistakes?) [—] This letter is very boring, and I can't say what I want, because I forget the words and I'm writing by myself now. I am so pleased that the doctor can leave, and that your father sleeps better. Give him a lot of greetings from me.

The letter in full:

No 100!

September 9th 1894

My own precious darling Nicky dear,

I think you ought to give me a medal for my 100th epistle, hurry up with your letters so that you get as far. We are just back from Church where I prayed fervently for my own manny, his father and the Weeping Willow. Our thoughts will have met and our prayers, don't you think so! Church was at 9½, the others walked and Ducky and I drove in the little carriage with the mule. It is so sad poor little Alice cannot hear the service or prayers — in the English church she can at least follow the prayers in the prayer book.

The weather cannot make up its mind what to do, sun and showers are fast changing. I have asked Schneiderlein to come as I do want to get on with my Russian, so later I shall continue.

Я тебѣ благодарю отъ всего сердца за твое письмо No 89 которое доставило мнѣ большое удовольствіе. Ек. Адольф. была очень довольна когда я ей прочитала изъ твоего письма, и она тебѣ позволаетъ пріѣхать у сюда. Пожалуйста привези только хорошую погоду а то мы скоро утонемъ, дождь не перестаётъ литьсъ утра до вечера. Такъ трудно писать безъ ошибокъ и я бояться. Теперь я могу читать что ты меня раскажетъ. Правда — для тебѣ я всегда все буду дѣлать, и потому что я хочу скоро говорить порусски. Впредь я буду быть внимательніѣ когда я учила но я долженъ думать что быть съ тобою хорошо. "Сколько горкихъ слезъ украдкои я въ ту ночь пролью" когда ты не скоро пріѣдешь. Я не могу жить безъ тебя. Я всегда думаю о тебѣ, я скучно безъ мой дорогой лаусбубъ. Когда будешь ты у насъ. И ты думаешь что я дѣлала успѣхи, но я боюсья (ошибокъ?) Это письмо очень скучно, но я не могу говорить что я хочу, потому что я забываю слова и я пишу теперь адна. Я такъ доволенъ чтобы докторъ могъ уѣхать, и что твои отецъ спитъ лучше. Говори ему много Grüsse обо мнѣ. О Ники, прелесть моё, я ты люблю больше какъ мой жизнь. Когда будешь ты за одно за всегда? Мой возлюбленный (right now?) Я была бы счастлива еслибы у меня мой дорогой Ники, мой душки другъ. Не стичи (?) твоя борода много. Enough! I cannot any more, it goes too slowly and I am afraid of saying impossibilities, and it is so difficult.

The others are playing to-gether and I am resting on the sopha as we are going to the theatre afterwards. At last the sun is shining again. Please excuse such an untidy letter. If it does not bore you too much, tell me my faults. Hang it, all my books have tumbled down. Yr first English verse I know well, I wrote them out for A. Alix after poor Eddy had died. The other lines are sweet. Ever so much as I love yr letters I should prefer having you in my arms and hearing those sweet words from yr lips. I shall finish this to-night. I think you will get it then on yr dear Father's namesday. Will you please give him my very tenderest love and best wishes, blessings I fear I may not send him, but I pray for him.

10th — Good morning dear boysykins, I hope you slept well — one day nearer already to our meeting, oh! that happiest of days when I at last may hold you again in my loving arms.

Well we drove to Darmstadt yesterday evening and returned towards 11. They gave the piece really very well. In the entre acte we had supper with the gentlemen and two of the ladies who had come over from the Wolfsgarten. It is raining again but there are more sunny intervals, in doors it is really cold. I hope a letter will come form you later on as I am greedy you know and never can have enough. When you have got this letter you ought to tie the first 100 to-gether. I wonder how many more 100s I shall have to write till we are quite to-gether in our own little home!

The clergyman who confirmed us and to whom I last year spoke about you when I was in such utter despair and who wrote to me in April is coming over to see me this morning. I honestly dread the meeting tho' I like the man and he has always been kind. When I once have seen and spoken to him it will be better, but I feel rather nervous and don't quite know how to explain all to him.

At Darmstadt just now in these days is the large Versammlung of the Gustav Adolf's Verein and the town swarms of Protestant Clergy. You won't mind my going to the Festspiel this evening will you, but Ernie thought perhaps I better as Victoria is not going. It will be rather peinlich but Wilhelmine Grancy thinks it will please the people. I thought perhaps they might prefer my not going, but Ernie thinks better I should as a Hessian Princess. I'll just see what Pfarrer Sell thinks afterwards. On Wednesday there is the large liturgischer Gottesdienst with singing to wh I want to go, but to-night it won't be quite so easy for me. Gustav Adolf and our Landgraf Philipp der Grossmüthige were such staunch Protestants and fought so for their faith, so I fear painful passages will come, but now that my mind is once made up and my conscience quieted, I need not fear and God will help me, but such things upset me still rather and one must not show it outwardly. Forgive my speaking to you about it, only it does me good to tell someone who loves me and understands me, I think, yes sweety, you know yr bridy now and will help her, won't you — as it is not so easy at first you must be lenient, it will come in time.

But I must say Goodbye now my precious Darling as I must learn still for the old Priest who comes again to-day and Schneiderlein must help me.

With many a tender kiss and fond blessing, I remain my own beloved Nicky dear yr ever very loving, truly devoted own deeply affectionate girly

Alix

Fondest love to all, Miechen too please.

Do you think Weeping Willow would like to read these?

"Hast thou a care whose presence dread Expels sweet slumber from thy bed? To thy Redeemer take that care, And change anxiety to prayer."

"Who loves the Cross and Him who on it died, In every cloud sees Jesus by his side."

"In every trouble look unto the end, And take the Cross to be thy constant friend>"

"Crosses are ladders to Heaven."

"Thou art with me, O my Father In the changing scenes of life, In loneliness of spirit And in weariness of strife. My sufferings, my comfortings, alternate at Thy will, I trust Thee, O, my Father, I trust Thee and am still."

Above: Nicholas and Alix.

Above: Nicholas's father, Tsar Alexander III, with his wife, Empress Marie Feodorovna, formerly Princess Dagmar of Denmark.

Notes: In correct Russian, доволен for a woman is довольна.

I too know all too well the challenge of writing without help in a second or beyond language!

"Я тебѣ благодарю отъ всего сердца за твое письмо No 89 которое доставило мнѣ большое удовольствіе. Ек. Адольф. была очень довольна когда я ей прочитала изъ твоего письма, и она тебѣ позволаетъ пріѣхать у сюда. Пожалуйста привези только хорошую погоду а то мы скоро утонемъ, дождь не перестаётъ литьсъ утра до вечера. Такъ трудно писать безъ ошибокъ и я бояться. Теперь я могу читать что ты меня раскажетъ. Правда — для тебѣ я всегда все буду дѣлать, и потому что я хочу скоро говорить порусски. Впредь я буду быть внимательніѣ когда я учила но я долженъ думать что быть съ тобою хорошо. "Сколько горкихъ слезъ украдкои я въ ту ночь пролью" когда ты не скоро пріѣдешь. Я не могу жить безъ тебя. Я всегда думаю о тебѣ, я скучно безъ мой дорогой лаусбубъ. Когда будешь ты у насъ. И ты думаешь что я дѣлала успѣхи, но я боюсья (ошибокъ?) Это письмо очень скучно, но я не могу говорить что я хочу, потому что я забываю слова и я пишу теперь адна. Я такъ доволенъ чтобы докторъ могъ уѣхать, и что твои отецъ спитъ лучше. Говори ему много Grüsse обо мнѣ. О Ники, прелесть моё, я ты люблю больше какъ мой жизнь. Когда будешь ты за одно за всегда? Мой возлюбленный (right now?) Я была бы счастлива еслибы у меня мой дорогой Ники, мой душки другъ. Не стичи (?) твоя борода много." = "I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your letter No. 89, which gave me great pleasure. Ek. Adolf. was very pleased when I read to her from your letter, and she allows you to come here. Please bring only good weather, otherwise we will soon drown, the rain does not stop pouring from morning to evening. It is so difficult to write without mistakes and I am afraid. Now I can read what you tell me. True, I will always do everything for you, and because I want to speak Russian soon. From now on, I will be careful when I learn, but I must think that it is good to be with you. "How many bitter tears I will furtively shed that night" if you do not arrive soon. I cannot live without you. I think about you all the time, I'm bored without my dear lausbub. When will you be with us? And you think that I made progress, but I'm afraid (mistakes?) This letter is very boring, and I can't say what I want, because I forget the words and I'm writing by myself now. I am so pleased that the doctor can leave, and that your father sleeps better. Give him a lot of greetings from me. Oh Nicky, my love, I love you more than my life. When will you be mine forever? My beloved (right now?) I would be happy if I had my dear Nicky, my darling friend. Don't trim (?) your beard a lot."

Versammlung = Assembly.

Festspiel = Festival.

peinlich = awkward.

liturgischer Gottesdienst = Liturgical Service.

Gustav Adolf (1594-1632) was King of Sweden from 1611 until his death. He is hailed as one of history's greatest military commanders even today and in his day was revered as the saviour of Protestant Germany, and in 1630 he joined his final war, the Thirty Years' War. He was killed on November 6, 1632 at the Battle of Lützen. With Gustav Adolf's death, the new monarch of Sweden was his nearly six year old daughter Kristina (1626-1689; the subject of my main blog!), who as a young adult ultimately and (in)famously went on to voluntarily abdicate the throne, convert to Catholicism — the very faith her father had died fighting against — and spend most of the rest of her life in Rome, where she died at age 62 and is buried. The Swedes in her day and some even today have never forgiven her for abandoning the faith and country her father gave his life for.

Landgraf Philipp der Grossmüthige = Landgrave Philip I "the Magnanimous" of Hesse (1504-1567), a German nobleman and champion of the Protestant Reformation, notable for being one of the most important of the early Protestant rulers in Germany. He was one of the main belligerents in the War of the Katzenelnbogen Succession.

Alix's letter to Toni Becker, dated August 14, 1889

Source:

Briefe der Zarin Alexandra von Russland an ihre Jugendfreundin Toni Becker-Bracht (2009), edited by Lotte Hoffmann-Kuhnt

The letter:

aeta for ever, Treu bis zum Tod!

Osborne

Den 14ten Aug. 1889

Meine liebe, gute Tebe,

In grosser Eile schicke ich Dir diese Zeilen, denn der Courier geht bald, & ich habe noch verschiedene Briefe zu schreiben.

Die Überfahrt war neulich sehr gut — 190 Passagiere waren auf dem Schiff, & darunter die merkwürdigsten Gestalten, wie Du Dir wohl denken kannst. Nur ein Herr war mir von Darmstadt her bekannt, Mr. Green, der Stellvertreter vom Mr. Jocelyn. — Herr v. Grancy begleitete uns bis Fliessingen, & da schickte uns die Grossmama einen Herrn entgegen. —

In London frühstückten wir; dann wusch ich mich, dann schlief ich, dann kam der Haarschneider, dann schaffte ich mir einen Hut an, dann gings in den Garten, hierauf um 2 zum Essen, & dann gings los. Frl. von F[abrice] & ich suppierten hier allein, & dann gings zu Bett. —

Gestern Nachmittag bin ich mit Heinrich B[attenberg] & einer Dame auf seiner Yacht "Sheila" gefahren. Zuerst segelten wir, dann, da der Wind nicht stark genug war, wurden wir gerudert, dann von einer steamlaunch geschleppt, dann wurde gelandet, zu Fuss gegangen, gefahren, & endlich kamen wir an die prachtvolle Ruine von Netl[e]y Abbey. — Auf der Yacht ist der eine Matrose, ungefähr 19 Jahre alt, ein Schwede. Er sieht deutsch aus, hübsch, blond. Er spricht aber kein Deutsch, sondern Englisch, & heißt Carlsen, sie nennen ihn aber Charly, da es einfacher & leichter für sie auszusprechen ist. —

Ich hatte den ganzen Tag über Kopfweh, habe aber trotzdem mitsuppiert, da keine Fremde[n] da waren, denn sonst fürchte ich, wäre mein armer Kopf geplatzt. —

Ehe wir wegreisten, sagte mir mein Vater, dass Eddy in Schottland sein wird, ich sollte ihm freundlich entgegengehen, der Junge dränge ja nicht, & gehe auch nach Indien, & ich hätte noch Zeit. — Ach Schatz, es ist hart, ich hoffte so, ihn nicht zu sehen. Nun weiter, — hier komme ich in mein altes Zimmer, & finde hinter dem Clavier eine Büste von ihm, die ich natürlich da immer sehen muss, da dass Zimmer so klein. Jetzt haben auch Grossmama & Tante [Alix] arrangiert, dass Frl. v. F[abrice] nach Schottland mitgeht. Noch nie hat eine von uns eine Dame dort hingenommen, — die Geschichte kann ich mir schon ausdenken, dann sollen sie, & ich, & er & eine Englische Dame zusammen ausgehen, & ich kann allein mit ihm vorangehen. Ich denke mir dieses nur, wirklich ich werde ganz suspicious, & das ist kein schöner Charakterzug, aber wirklich ich kann nicht anders. Wenn das nur alles für den Broschenmensch wäre, dann wäre ich ja ganz selig. — Der arme andere dauert mich, ich kann es aber nicht ändern, ich will aber mein bestes versuchen, ihm freundlich zu sein, — aber ganz frei, kann man sich doch nie gegenüberstehen, wenn man weiss, dass einem die anderen immer beobachten. Du kannst Dir nicht denken, wie es mich schmerzt, ihm wehe zu thun, denn er ist ein so guter Junge, ich kenne ihn ja solange ich exestiere. Mehr wie für einen Vetter & Bruder, kann ich nicht für ihn fühlen. — Wie viele Thränen kostet es mir, & so ganz allein & rathlos. —

Doch Ernie kommt an 28ten, glaube ich, der wird eine Stütze für mich sein, der Liebe. — Ella wünscht nicht, dass ich ein Wort über den Broschenmensch & mir zu irgend jemand sage. — Schatz, — ich fürchte &. zitterte, dass es nie dazu kommen wird, — oh! warum kann man nicht glücklich werden, &. warum müssen einem so viele, viele Sachen im Wege stehen. Du kennst ja das Gefühl, — aber ich bin so ganz allein jetzt. — Oh! Kind! ich zittere vor Schotland, und darf es keiner wissen, oh! was soll ich, soll ich machen? Ich will ihm zeigen, dass ich nicht für ihn fühle, wie er wünscht, aber zu kalt will ich auch nicht sein, & das werde ich dann so leicht, & dann schmerzt es ihn, & kränkt die Grossmama. So lange sie nicht zu mir spricht, ist alles gut, mit ihm geht es leichter. Ernie kann mir helfen. Verzeihe, diese lange Geschichte, aber es thut mir gut, mich auszusprechen, da ich niemand hier habe, mit dem ich so frei reden kann, vor dem ich mein Herz ausschütten kann. Immer, immer muss ich daran denken, & fast immer kommen mir die verrätherischen Thränen in die Augen. —

Heisse Küsse von Deiner Alten. —

English translation (my own):

aeta for ever, Faithful unto death!

Osborne

14th Aug. 1889.

My dear, good Tebe,

I am sending you these lines in a great hurry, as the courier is leaving soon & I still have several letters to write.

The crossing was very good the other day — 190 passengers were on the ship, & among them the strangest characters, as you can well imagine. There was only one gentleman I knew from Darmstadt, Mr. Green, Mr. Jocelyn's deputy. — Herr v. Grancy accompanied us to Fliessingen, & then Grandmama sent a gentleman to meet us. —

We had breakfast in London; then I washed, then I slept, then the hair clipper came, then I got myself a hat, then we went to the garden, then at 2 to luncheon, & then we started. Fräulein v. Fabrice & I dined here alone, & then we went to bed. —

Yesterday afternoon I went with Heinrich Battenberg & a Lady on his Yacht "Sheila". First we sailed, then, as the wind was not strong enough, we were rowed, then towed by a steamlaunch, then we landed, walked, drove, & finally we came to the magnificent ruins of Netley Abbey. — One of the sailors on the Yacht, around 19 years old, is a Swede. He looks German, handsome, blond. He does not speak German, but English, & his name is Carlsen, but they call him Charly because it is simpler & easier for them to pronounce. —

I had a headache the whole day, but I still went along because there were not any strangers, otherwise I fear my poor head would have burst. —

Before we left, my Father told me that Eddy will be in Scotland, I should meet him in a friendly manner, the boy is not pushing, & goes to India too, & I still have time. — Oh Darling, it is difficult, I was so hoping not to see him. Now go on, — here I come to my old room, & find a bust of him behind the piano, which of course I always have to see, since the room is so small. Now Grandmama & Aunty [Alix] have arranged that Fräulein v. Fabrice goes to Scotland. Neither of us has ever received a Lady there — I can already make up the story, then they, & I, & he & an English Lady should go out together, & I can go ahead with him alone. I just think this to myself, really I get suspicious, & that is not a nice trait of character, but really I cannot help it. If only it were all for the Brooch-Man, then I would be very happy. — The poor other takes me, but I cannot change it, but I want to try my best to be friendly to him, — but completely free, one can never face another if one knows that the others are always watching one. You cannot imagine how it hurts me to hurt him, for he is such a good boy, I have known him as long as I have existed. I cannot feel more for him than for a Cousin & Brother. — How many tears it does cost me, & so all alone & at a loss. —

But Ernie comes on the 28th, I think that will be a support for me, the love. — Ella does not wish me to say one word to anyone about the Brooch-Man & myself. — Darling, — I was afraid &. trembled that it should never come to that — oh! why cannot one be happy &. why do so many, many things have to stand in the way. You know the feeling, — but I am so alone now. — Oh! Child! I tremble at Scotland, and no one must know, oh! what shall, shall I do? I want to show him that I do not feel for him as he wishes, but I do not want to be too cold either, & it will be so easy for me to do that, & then it hurts him & offends Grandmama. As long as she does not speak to me, all is well, it is easier with him. Ernie can help me. Forgive me for this long story, but it does me good to speak up, since I have no one here with whom I can talk so freely, before whom I can pour out my heart. Always, always I must think of it, & almost always the treacherous tears come to my eyes. —

Warm kisses from your Alte. —

Above: Alix.

Notes: Fliessingen = Vlissingen.

Broschenmensch = a reference to a brooch that Nicholas had given Alix in St. Petersburg in 1884.

Alix's letter to Toni Becker, dated June 1 and 2, 1891

Source:

Briefe der Zarin Alexandra von Russland an ihre Jugendfreundin Toni Becker-Bracht (2009), edited by Lotte Hoffmann-Kuhnt

The letter:

Balmoral den 1ten Juni 1891

Geliebtes Kind,

Ich will heute einige Zeilen an Dich beginnen, die dann morgen mit dem messenger gehen können. Ich hätte gerne einmal in der Woche geschrieben, aber ich bin nicht dazu gekommen, ich male eben viel auf Porzellan & dann giebt es noch manches Andere zu thun. Endlich scheint das Wetter schön zu werden & recht warm; angenehm nach diesem scheusslichen Wetter — die Hitze mag ich natürlich nicht, aber ich will doch nicht klagen. Neulich haben wir Lawntennis gespielt, & es war sehr nett. Ich hoffe wir werden es noch oft thun. Geritten bin ich auch einmal; zu vieren waren wir, ich habe es nicht sehr genossen, denn mein Pferd zappelte so auf dem Rückweg, & machte mich ganz nervös, — ich werde noch leicht ängstlich, hoffentlich verliert sich das aber bald, denn es verdirbt einem allen Spass am Reiten. Zu Hause ist es anders, auf demselben, lieben Pferd jedesmals neben Herrn v. Riedesel, der so gut und freundlich ist, & so aufpasst. —

den 2ten

Für Deinen sehr lieben Brief, den ich heute Morgen erhielt, tausend Dank und einen innigen Kuss. — Es thut mir so gut, Briefe aus der lieben Heimath zu bekommen, dies ist ja eigentlich meine 2te Heimath, sie sind auch alle so freundlich & gut, — aber ich stehe die ganze Zeit Ängste aus, sie sprechen so oft von Nicky. Du kannst Dir denken wie es mir dabei zu Muth wird — glücklicherweise werde ich dann nicht immer roth, also denken sie nichts, hoffe ich, heute vorhin sprach die Grossmama mit meiner Schwester davon, ich hörte nur den Schluss, meine Tante Alix, die Mutter von Eddy hat es erzählt, sie ist neidisch, kann mir eigentlich die Geschichte mit ihrem Sohn nicht vergeben. Ihre Schwester die Kaiserin v. R. muss ihr irgend etwas gesagt haben; aber ich hörte wie Victoria sagte, sie glaube die Tante habe exageriert — & die ahnt nichts. — Wenn Grossmama über ihn und seinen Bruder spricht, guckt sie mich immer an, sodass ich mitsprechen & antworten muss, was furchtbar weh thut. Oh, Kind, warum können die Menschen einen nicht in Frieden lassen, — ich hasse wenn ich allein jetzt mit meiner Schwester bin, aus Angst, dass sie mich etwas frägt — Antwort wird sie keine kriegen, aber wenn mein Gesicht mich verräth, dann weiss ich nicht was ich anfange. — Diese beständige Unruhe greift sehr an, ich fühle mich manchmal innerlich ganz fertig, & dann soll man sprechen & lustig sein. — Ich male viel auf Porzellan, und das zerstreut. Die Andern fischen viel. Eine furchtbar traurige Geschichte ist hier letzte Woche passiert; ein junger Offizier von Ballater, die Station von hier (derselbe der die Fahne hielt, als wir ankamen), ist beim Fischen ertrunken — es ist zu grass. — Heute ist es greulich warm, aber dabei gar windig. — Wir werden wohl am 26ten unsere Reise nach Hause antreten, es ist aber noch nicht bestimmt. —

Für heute Addio, & bless you, bete für mich am 6ten, mir graut immer vor dem neuen Jahr, letztes Jahr war es mir auch schmerzlich zu Muth

— Du wirst mich für einen Hasenfuss halten.

A long kiss, ever Y. very loving Alte

English translation (my own, original English in italics):

Balmoral, 1st June 1891

Darling Child,

I want to start a few lines for you today, which you can then use the messenger tomorrow. I would have liked to write once a week, but I never got around to it, I simply paint a lot on porcelain & then there are still many other things to do. Finally the weather seems to be nice & quite warm; pleasant after this hideous weather — of course I do not like the heat, but I don't want to complain. We played Lawn Tennis the other day & it was very nice. I hope we will do it often. I rode once too; there were four of us, I did not enjoy it very much, because my horse wriggled so on the way back, & made me very nervous, — I get frightened a bit, but hopefully that will soon be lost, because it spoils everyone who enjoys riding. At home it is different, on the same dear horse next to Herr v. Riedesel who is so good and friendly & so takes care. —

2nd

For your very dear letter that I received this morning, a thousand thanks and a deep kiss. — It does me so good to get letters from my dear Home, this is actually my 2nd Home, they are all so friendly and good too, — but I am anxious all the time, they talk so often about Nicky. You can imagine how it will give me courage — luckily I don't always get red, so do not think anything, I hope, today Grandmama talked about it with my sister, I just heard the end, my Aunt Alix, Eddy's mother said it, she is jealous, cannot really forgive me for the story with her son. Her sister the Empress of R[ussia] must have said something to her; but I heard Victoria say she thinks Aunty has exaggerated — & she has no idea. — When Grandmama talks about him and his brother, she always looks at me so that I have to join in and answer, which hurts terribly. Oh, Child, why can't people leave one in peace — I hate when I am alone with my sister now, for fear that she will ask me something — she won't get an answer, but if my face betrays me, then I do not know what I am beginning. — This constant restlessness is very attacking, I sometimes feel completely exhausted inside, & then one must talk and be witty. — I paint a lot on porcelain, and that is scattered. The others fish a lot. A terribly sad story happened here last week; a young officer from Ballater, the station from here (the same one who held the flag when we arrived) drowned while fishing — it is too sad. — Today it is terribly warm, but very windy. — We will probably begin our journey home on the 26th, but it has not yet been determined. —

For today Addio, & bless you, pray for me on the 6th, I always dread the New Year, last year it was also painful to me

— You will think I am a coward.

A long kiss, ever Y. very loving Alte

Above: Alix. Photo courtesy of TatianaZ on Flickr.

Above: Toni Becker.

Alix's letter to Toni Becker, dated May 1, 1890

Source:

Briefe der Zarin Alexandra von Russland an ihre Jugendfreundin Toni Becker-Bracht (2009), edited by Lotte Hoffmann-Kuhnt

The letter:

Donnerstag Abend um 10 Uhr. Darmstadt den 1ten Mai 1890

Meine süsse kleine Toni,

Ich schicke Dir rasch noch einige Zeilen, um Dir herzlich für Deinen lieben Brief zu danken, der mir viel Freude bereitete. Also Du gehst schon am Samstag fort, wie schade schon so bald, wenigstens für mich, denn ich hätte Dich doch zu gerne vor Deiner & unserer Abreise gesehen. Wir gehen Ende nächster Woche, — besonders amüsant wird es in Friedberg nicht sein, aber es ist wegen Papa's Knie, denn er kann dann immer nach Nauheim hinüber. Mein ältestes Nichtchen wird dort auch Bäder gebrauchen, und die alte Orchie.

— Mein Bruder ist heute Abend abgereist — er lässt Dich vielmals grüssen; ich habe ihm Deinen Auftrag ausgerichtet. Er kommt zu Pfingsten wieder, worüber ich mich sehr freue wie Du Dir denken kannst.

— Bitte schicke mir gleich morgen das Geld vom Schneeball, & lass mich zur selben Zeit wissen, um wieviel Uhr Du abreist nach Berlin. Wenn ich Dich nur noch einmal hätte sehen können, aber ich fürchte es geht leider nicht. Darum drücke ich einen Kuss hier auf das Papier. — Ach, ich habe mich diese letzten Tage so nach Dir gesehnt, denn ich war so unglücklich.

Ich habe meinem armen Vetter, Du weisst welchen, schreiben müssen, da er noch an mich denkt, um ihm meine Wünsche zu sagen. Der Arme dauert mich so; ich habe deutlich aber freundlich geschrieben — es thut mir so furchtbar leid, ihm so wehe zu thun, aber ich kann nicht anders. Ich habe in der Nacht so furchtbar geweint, — ich konnte die Thränen nicht mehr zurückhalten, — dass ich am nächsten Morgen ganz dick geschwollene Augen & Gesicht hatte. Alle glaubten glücklicherweise, es käme vom Schnupfen, da ich furchtbar erkältet war & bin, & dann kam noch mehreres dazu, mich zu betrüben, — unter Anderen, man hat mich so unhöflich & stolz gefunden, & so gar nicht freundlich & gesprächig. Kind, es ist hart, immer die alten Geschichten zu hören, & nie was gutes; es schmerzt warlich sehr — alle Bemühungen vergebens, man glaubt ich bin brummig, ich sehe so aus, & dass ich mir keine Mühe gäbe. Das ist doch hart. — Aber ich muss jetzt zu Bett; trocken werden die Augen nicht bleiben, am Abend muss man sich manchmal ausweinen, denn die zurückgedrängten Thränen thun so unendtlich weh. —

Addio. —

Gott segne Dich, u. möge Dein Aufenthalt in Berlin Dir gut bekommen, u. Dir Gelegenheit bieten, Deinen süssen Alex zu sehen.

Deine treue Alte

aeta for ever!!!! Treu bis zum Tod!!!! Gasparone!!!! —

English translation (my own):

Thursday evening at 10. Darmstadt, May 1st, 1890

My sweet little Toni,

I will quickly send you a few more lines to thank you warmly for your dear letter, which gave me great pleasure. So you are leaving on Saturday, what a shame so soon, at least for me, because I would have loved to see you before your and our departure. We are going at the end of next week — it won't be particularly amusing in Friedberg, but that is because of Papa's knee, because he can always go over to Nauheim then. My eldest little Niece will take baths there too, and old Orchie.

— My brother has left this evening — he sends you his best regards; I have given him your assignment. He will come again on Whitsunday, which I am very happy about, as you can imagine.

— Please send me the money from Snowball first thing tomorrow & let me know at the same time what time you are leaving for Berlin. If only I could have seen you one more time, but I'm afraid it won't work. That's why I put a kiss here on the paper — Oh, I've been longing for you these last few days, as I was so unhappy.

I had to write to my poor cousin, you know who, because he is still thinking of me to tell him my wishes. The poor man grieves me so; I wrote clearly but kindly — I am so terribly sorry to hurt him so, but I cannot help it. I cried so terribly in the night — I could no longer hold back the tears — so that the next morning I had very thickly swollen eyes and face. Luckily everyone believed that it came from the congestion, because I had a terrible cold, & then there were several things to sadden me — among others, one found me so rude & proud, & so was not at all friendly & talkative. Child, it is hard to always hear the old stories & never good; it truly hurts a lot — all efforts in vain, one thinks I am grumpy, I look like that, & that I wouldn't bother. It is hard. — But I must go to bed now; the eyes will not stay dry, in the evening one sometimes has to cry it out, as the tears that have been held back hurt so endlessly. —

Addio. —

God bless you, and may your stay in Berlin be good for you and give you the opportunity to see your sweet Alex.

Your faithful Alte

aeta for ever!!!! Faithful until death!!!! Gasparone!!!! —

Above: Alix with her older sisters Victoria and Irène. Photo courtesy of TatianaZ on Flickr.

Above: Toni Becker.

Notes: "My eldest little Niece" = Princess Alice of Battenberg (1885-1969).

Gasparone = an operette by Carl Millöcker that premiered in Vienna in 1884 and was very popular.

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Alexandra's letter to Nicholas, dated November 17, 1914, and his reply letter

Sources:

https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/pt?id=inu.30000011396573&view=1up&seq=74

http://www.alexanderpalace.org/letters/november14.html

Alexandra wrote this letter to Nicholas on November 17, 1914, the first day of another painful separation, as Nicholas frequently had to be away at army headquarters because of the war. He wrote his reply the next day.

The letter:

Tsarskoje Selo, Nov. 17-th 1914
My own beloved One,
The train will be carrying you far away from us when you read these lines. Once more the hour of separation has come — & always equally hard to bear. — The loneliness when you are gone, tho' I have our precious Children, is intense — a bit of my life gone — we make one.

God bless & protect you on your journey & may you have good impressions & shed joy around you & bring strength & consolation to the suffering.

You always bring »revival« as our Friend says. I am glad his telegram came, comforting to know His prayers follow you. —

Its good you can have a thorough talk with N. & tell him your opinion of some people & give him some ideas. May again your presence there bring goodluck to our brave troops. —

Our work in the hospital is my consolation & the visiting the specially suffering ones in the big palace. — I only dread Ania's humour — last times our Friend was there, once a bad leg, & then her little friend.

Lets hope she will hold herself in hand. I take all much cooler now & don't worry over her rudenesses & moods like formerly — a break came through her behaviour & words in the Crimea — we are friends & I am very fond of her & always shall be, but something has gone, a link broken by her behaviour towards us both — she can never be as near to me as she was. — One tries to hide one's sorrow & not pride with it — after all its harder for me than her, tho' she does not agree — as you are all to her & I have the children — but she has me whom she says she loves. — Its not worth while speaking about this, & it is not interesting to you at all.

It will be a joy to go & meet you, tho' I hate leaving Baby & the girlies. And I shall be so shy on the journey — I have never been alone to any big town — I hope I shall do all properly & your wife wont make a mess of herself. — Lovy my dear, huzy my very, very own — 20 years my own sweet treasure — farewell & God bless & protect you & keep you from all harm.

My light & sunshine, my very life & being. For all your love be blessed, for all your tenderness be thanked. I bless you, kiss you all over & gently press you to my deeply loving old heart.

Ever, Nicky my Own,
your very own
Wify.

I am so glad N. P. accompanies you, it makes me quieter knowing him near you and for him its such a colossal joy. —

Our last night together, its horribly lonely without you — and so silent — nobody lives in this story.

Holy Angels guard you and the Sweet Virgin spread her mantle of love around you. —
Sunny.

Nicholas's reply:

In the train. 18 November, 1914
MY BELOVED SUNNY AND DARLING WIFY,
We have finished breakfast and I have read your sweet, tender letter with moist eyes. This time I succeeded in keeping myself in hand at the moment of parting, but it was a hard struggle.

The weather is dismal; it is pouring with rain; there is very little snow left. When we moved off, I visited the gentlemen [of the suite] and looked in at each coupé. This morning I found among the papers of the Minister of War the paper relating to Rennenkampf and signed it. He will have to leave his Army. I do not know who Nic. has in view for his place.

What joy and consolation it would be if we could make the whole of this journey together! My love, I miss you terribly — more than I can express in words. Every day a courier will leave the town with papers. I shall try to write very often, as, to my amazement, I have come to the conclusion that I can write while the train is in motion.

My hanging trapeze has proved very practical and useful. I swung on it many times and climbed up it before meals. It is really an excellent thing for the train, it stirs up the blood and the whole organism.

I like the pretty frame which you have given me. It lies in front of me on the table for safety, because a sudden jerk might break the lovely stone.

All the miniatures are good, with the exception of Marie. I am sure that everyone will appreciate their merit. What a joy and consolation it is to know that you are well and are working so much for the wounded! As our Friend says, it is by God's grace that in such a time you can work so hard and endure so much. Believe me, my beloved, do not fear, I have more confidence in yourself when you are left alone, and all will go smoothly and prosperously.

May God bless you, my beloved Wify! I kiss you and the children lovingly. Sleep well and try to think that you are not lonely.

Your hubby
Nicky.

Above: Nicholas and Alexandra.

Above: Alexandra and Anna Vyrubova as nurses in the hospital with their patients.

Above: Grigori Rasputin, who Alexandra referred to as "Our Friend".

Alexandra's letter to Ernst, dated January 9/21 1896

Source:

mashkaromanova on Tumblr

https://mashkaromanova.tumblr.com/post/190384653445/alexandra-sunny-feodorovna-1896-my-darling

Alexandra wrote this letter to her brother Ernst on January 9/21, 1896. I can't believe she didn't like the music for Swan Lake!

The letter:

My darling Ernie,
It is a shame my not having written to you for such an age, but I have really very much to do. We dine every evening now at 7 & at 8 go to the Theatre. Twice we have been to the Пцковая дама, wh. I enjoyed immensely, & then to to Tschaikowsky's first ballet, the Swan Lake (tiresome), & not pretty music, & then to two small French innocent plays. To-night we are going to the Russian Theatre. — How charming Medea & her husband sing, his voice is the best when he sings piano — quite lovely & so sympathetic, reminding me much of little Georgie's.

In the morning I receive daily ladies of gentlemen & twice a week play an hour with Nicky's former music master. — I enjoy it much & feel how necessary it is — you can tell it Herr de Haan, that I read with a master. I think he will be contented with me then. — Then after luncheon we go & walk for an hour or two in Anitchkoff garden & sometimes lunch or have tea there, then I go to Baby's bath, wash her sometimes & then nurse her, as also every morning. In between I have to try on dresses wh. won't ever fit. —

We went to the Xmas tree at one Institute — yesterday to an exhibition of watercolours & we brought some quite nice ones. — The weather is changeable, but the view out of my corner window is ideal. I still have not yet got all my furniture, wh. is an utter nuisance, as how can people judge with empty rooms. — Baby is flourishing, thank God — grows in length & breadth — her length is 62½ cm., 55½ when she was born 2 months ago. I am not at all enchanted with the nurse — she is good & kind with Baby, but as a woman most antipathetic, & that disturbs me sorely. Her manners are neither very nice, & she will mimic people in speaking about them, an odious habit, wh. would be awful for a Child to learn — most headstrong (but I am too, thank goodness). I foresee no end of troubles, & only wish I had an other. —

Now I must be off. Kissing you 3 dear Creatures very, very tenderly, I remain, yr utterly, deeply loving old Sunny.

P. S. I hope & trust you are quite well again, poor darling Boy. I used your lovely fan the other evening. Three Thursdays & then a Wednesday are the balls. I am dying of fright. Fancy, for the big ball this first Thursday, I shall have to make a cercle in a room with 55 Mamas & more daughters — it is cruel, & I don't know how I shall ever manage it — what can one say to them, with men it's so much easier, one has so much more to ask. — Many messages to the Ladies & Gentlemen.

Above: Nicholas and Alexandra. Photo courtesy of TatianaZ on Flickr.

Above: Ernst.

Above: Olga. Photo courtesy of TatianaZ on Flickr.

Alexandra's letter to Ernst, dated January 7/19, 1895

Alexandra wrote this letter to her brother Ernst on January 19 (Old Style date January 7), 1895.

Source:

mashkaromanova at Tumblr

https://mashkaromanova.tumblr.com/post/186540198050/alexandra-sunny-feodorovna-1895-my-darling

The letter:

My darling Ernie dear,
I send you my very tenderest thanks for your sweet letter the Admiral brought. How glad I was to see him & hear about you dear ones, you can imagine — it was nice of you seing him so often & letting him live in the Schloss. I am sure you must have noticed his funny walk — poor man was wounded in the war inside of both legs. —

It is such a pitty Aunt Alix had to leave — really she acted as A. Minny's comforting angel, & she misses her sadly, — we sit now more with her — yesterday we took tea upstairs & then Nicky read to us till 7 — a most interesting French book about Prince Eugène, it shows one Napoleon in quite another light — how kind & nice he could be. He arranged the marriage between Eugène & the Elector Max's daughter, as he was made King. Nap: letters to her of affection & telling her to care for her health, giving her advice & so on — I never imagined such a soft side to his character.

Then in the evening we sat with her from 8-11½, talking, working & she & I play Halma, I fear I usually am disrespectful enough as to win usually. Misha remains till 9½ or 1- & arranges little electric lamps & all sorts of things & pricks ones, & what does he not still do! — I am sitting by the window in the big armchair in a corner, half-hidden by the screen — & dream of my sweet home. Beloved Nicky has got his aggravating people — in the morning I don't see him for two hours, but in the afternoon whilst he usually reads his heaps of papers from the ministers, I look through the begging letters, of which there are not few & cut out the stamps, & if do not do it tidily am slightly reproved.

I get the Darmstadter Zeitung wh. I greedily devower — every bit of news interests me, & yesterday I saw then announced the death of Sophie v. Rotzmann — do tell Georgiana how grieved I was to hear of her Aunt's death — old Mme du Thil's cousin, — & Uncle Alexander's friend. My beloved (Jucker coachman) Berthalot I see has been promoted to real coachman. You see how I follow everything & Finger's 70th birthday — had I now it sooner  I should have telegraphed — do tell him so next Wednesday with kind messages & good wishes.

Yesterday was the day the river is blessed, but it was quietly done this year & none went. Here there was of course service & the day before too (in commemoration of Christ’s Christening in the river Jordan) & water was blessed & we each got a glass, drank a drop & then keep it in our rooms covered over. Then the old Priest J. & two deacons & some of the Choir go through the whole house & in to all the rooms, & sprinkle them with water, blessing them — a curious old custom done also at Trinity. — Excuse my untidy writing & bad English, but I am half ramolie. — I wonder how the little dances in our house went off. The first, since beloved Papa's death — is it not painful for you, darling, reminding you of the sad service & all hung black? —

Darling Boy, I cannot tell you how much I think of you & miss you. — The 9th month to-day that you are married. — About wh. date do you hope the happy event* to take place? You must be anxious — but I am delighted to hear darling little Ducky is so well. — Xenia I think expects in June — she is very well only paler than usual & I don't think feels ever as sick as poor Ducky did; — her good health now is all owing to Orchie's daily mess she brought her — do tell her that; — did she like Nany's sugar candy?

You can think of how awful the reception on the 1st was. 14 Ladies & heaps of Gentlemen, I thought I should die — to speak French to the most — horrid — & almost every face unknown to me — it lasted over an hour. — I admire my Nicky how well he does it — often enough he has to go through the same ordeal — but Ladies are much the worst — with Gentlemen it is easier — I think 70 on the whole. He spoke to all the men, I only to the Ambassadors & some of the secretarys. By the papers I see Albert Menzdorff is coming — at least someone I know, wh. will be pleasant. The new Austrian Ambassador Prince Lichtenstein is quite charming — I think even taller than Gummibaum with a long fare beard & handsome face. —

Do kiss dear Ducky & thank her for her letter, wh. I shall soon answer. Kissing you very tenderly I remain, Darling, beloved Ernie, yr very loving & devoted Sunny.

[P. S.] God bless you my darling. I hear Fürst Hohenlohe does not intend remaining much longer — whom will they find to replace him? — And Casimir Perrier gone too. — You remember that day of the large dinner when we had later to speak to the people, Admiral Gervais (can't spell his name)? The other day — touching — he sent me a ring with one nice pearl on it inside 'La V. M. règne par le coeur'. Really the French are most amiable, but this was quite privately sent. Love to Abby who I hope it well. He might write to me once. Nicky sends you both his very best love. The Sultan has send us two Arab horses. — Messages to all at home, Mino, Georgiana & the Gentlemen.

Above: Alix, year 1895. Photo courtesy of Tatiana Z on Flickr.

Above: Ernest, year 1894.

Note: "The happy event" refers to the birth of Ernest's child. The baby, Princess Elisabeth of Hesse and by Rhine, was born on March 11, 1895.