Alix's letter to Xenia, dated April 10, 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, pages 316 to 317, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

April 10th 1894
Душка Ксеніи,
A tender kiss and best thanks for your dear letter and the charming photos. It seems too funny to think that you are about to be married. God bless you, my sweet Child and may you have every possible happiness.
Darling, why did you speak about that subject wh we never wanted to mention again? It is cruel, as you know it never can be — all along I have said so, and do you think it is not already hard enough to know you are hurting just the person whom of all other you wld long to please. But it cannot be — he knows it — and so do not I pray you, speak of it again. I know Ella will begin again, but what is the good of it, and it is cruel always to say I am ruining his life — can I help it, when to make him happy I should be committing a sin in my conscience. It is hard enough as it is, and beginning about it again and again is so unkind. You, who have found what your heart has desired, think only kindly of me, tho' I am grieving you too. One worry and sorrow follows the other — in 5 days we are off to Coburg for Ernie's Wedding — what my feelings are you can imagine. God grant they may be happy — she is such a dear. I am going to England for two or three months, as I shld only be in their way here.

The heat is great, but everything is so green and lovely, and all the fruittrees in bloom — too beautiful, we spend many hours in the woods.
Goodbye my little Chicken, many a loving kiss from yr ever devoted old
Alix
Best love to Sandro

Above: Alix.

Above: Xenia.

Note: "Душка Ксеніи" = "Darling Xenia".

Alix's letter to Xenia, dated November 20, 1893

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, page 308, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

Darmstadt
Nov 20th 1893
Душка Ксеніи,
A good kiss and fondest thanks for yr dear letter. It was such a pleasure hearing again from you. Yes, do continue writing to me, don't let what I am going to tell you put a stop to our friendship and correspondence. My photo and a letter I have sent through Ella to Nicky. In it he will see that I cannot change my decision — I cannot because untrue to my own confession, do not believe that my love is less, why that has made it so far more hard and difficult to me and I have been torturing myself. To hurt one whom one loves is fearful, and yet, I don't want him to go on hoping as I can never change my Religion. God bless the dear, and may he not think ill of his old Pelly.
I feel too upset to write any more.
Yr old
Alix

Let me hear sometimes from you, may I? Don't let us quite drift apart, that would be too hard.

Above: Alix.

Above: Xenia.

Note: "Душка Ксеніи" = "Darling Xenia".

Alix's letter to Nicholas, dated November 20, 1893

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, pages 306 to 308, by George Hawkins, 2023

Written in response to this letter from Nicholas:

https://empressalix.blogspot.com/2023/04/nicholass-letter-to-alix-dated-october.html

Nicholas's reply to this letter:

https://empressalix.blogspot.com/2023/04/nicholass-letter-to-alix-dated-december.html

The letter:

Darmstadt
Nov 20th 1893
Dearest Nicky,
I send you my very best thanks for your dear letter and enclose the photograph you wished to have and which Ella will forward to you. I believe it must have been a stronger will than ours which ordained that we should not meet at Coburg, for like this it gives me the chance to write to you all my innermost feelings wh perhaps on the spur of the moment I might not have said, or that you might have misunderstood me. You know what my feelings are as Ella has told you them already, but I feel it my duty to tell them you myself. I have thought over everything for a long time and I only beg you not to think that I take it lightly for it grieves me terribly and makes me very unhappy. I have tryed to look at it in every light that is possible, but I always return to one thing. I cannot do it against my conscience. You, dear Nicky, who have also such a firm belief will understand me that I think it a sin to change my belief and I would be miserable all the days of my life, knowing that I had done a wrongful thing. I am certain that you would not wish me to change against my conviction. What happiness can come from a marriage wh begins without the real blessing of God. For I feel it a sin to change that belief in wh I have been brought up and wh I love. I should never find my peace of mind again, and like that I should never be able to be your real companion who should help you on in life, for there always would be something between us in my not having the real conviction of the belief I had taken and in regret for the one I had left. It would be acting a lie to you, your Religion and to God. This is my feeling of right and wrong, and one's innermost religious convictions and one's peace of conscience towards God, so before all one's earthly wishes. As all these years have not made it possible for me to change my resolution in acting thus, I feel that now is the moment to tell you again that I can never change my Confession. I am certain that you will understand this clearly and see as I do, that we are only torturing ourselves about something impossible, and it would not be a kindness to let you go on having vain hopes wh will never be realized.
And now Goodbye my darling Nicky and may God bless and protect you.
Ever your loving
Alix

Above: Alix. Photo courtesy of TatianaZ on Flickr.

Above: Nicholas.

Nicholas's letter to Alix, dated December 17/29, 1893

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, pages 310 to 311, by George Hawkins, 2023

https://disk.yandex.com/mail?hash=kuDdHgzAhlj8Vmyce8roYrsV8lLetWtFFyElqTSKDCI%3D%3A

The letter:

Gatchina.

December 17/29 1893.

My dearest Alix,

Please excuse my not having answered your letter sooner, but you may well imagine what a blow it proved to me. I could not write to you all these days on account of the sad state of mind I was in. Now that my restlessness has passed I feel more calm and am able to answer your letter quietly. Let me thank you first of all for the frank and open way in which you spoke to me in that letter! There is nothing worse in the world than things misunderstood and not brought to the point. I knew from the beginning what an obstacle there rose between us and I felt so deeply for you all these years, knowing perfectly the great difficulties you would have had to overcome! But still it is so awfully hard, when you have cherished a dream for many a year and think — now you are near to it's being realized — then suddenly the curtain is drawn and — you see only an empty space and feel oh! so lonely and so beaten down!!

I cannot deny the reasons you give me, dear Alix; but I have got one which is also true: you hardly know the depth of our religion. If you only could have learnt it with somebody, who knows it, and could have read books, where you might see the likeness and difference of the two — perhaps then! it would not have troubled you in the same way as it does now! Your living quite alone without any one's help in such a matter, – is also a sad circumstance in the barrier that apparently stands between us! It is too sad for words to know that that barrier is — religion!

Don't you think, dearest, that the five years, since we know each other, have passed in vain and with no result? Certainly not — for me atleast. And how am I to change my feelings after waiting & wishing for so long, even now after that sad letter you sent me?

I trust in God's mercy; may be it is His will that we both, but you especially, should suffer long — may be after helping us through all these miseries and trials — He will yet guide my darling along the path that I pray daily for!

Oh! do not say 'no' directly, my dearest Alix, do not ruin my life already! Do you think there can exist any happiness in the whole world without you? After having unvolontarily! kept me waiting and.... hoping, can this end in such a way?

Oh! do not get angry with me if I am beginning to say silly things, though I promised in this letter to be calm! Your heart is too kind not to understand what tortures I am going through now.

But I have spoken enough and must end this epistle of mine. Thank you so much for your charming photo. I send you mine here enclosed.

Let me wish, dearest Alix, that the coming Year may bring you peace, happiness, comfort and the fulfillment of your wishes. God bless and protect you!

Ever your loving & devoted

Nicky

Above: Alix.

Above: Nicholas.