Sources:
Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 266 to 268, by George Hawkins, 2023
George Hawkins at Letters and writings of Nicholas II and his family on Facebook
The letter:
No 78
Wolfsgarten
Aug 20th 1894
My precious One,
To-day it is four months that we are engaged, and my thoughts flie back to Coburg — shall I ever forget the emotions of that day and what it brought me. I don't deserve that gift wh God gave me after those five years of despair — me He make us worthy to possess it. Sweetest boy, how kind and loving you were. I must perpetually think of you, it was such a joy therefore receiving two dear letters to-day as none came yesterday on account of the Sunday post. Best thanks for them and for Toria's, thank her from me, will you and tell her how much it touched me her having written from yr little house. I am not angry darling, on the contrary, I am glad for you having her as I know how devoted you are to each other and that she is your best friend. I must now confess that when you went to Sandringham, I felt miserable knowing you would be much to-gether and I was so furious with myself for being jealous wh is a horrid thing, and for being so selfish in wanting to keep you all to myself. I am glad you are to-gether now, it is good for me to get over that rotten, wicked feeling. I love her dearly and would for nothing in the world wish to stand between yr friendship — why, she has known you longer and seen you more and knows you better than poor old spitzbub. I am glad you have such an honest, dear friend. God bless your friendship and may it ever remain the same.
Never mind me, it was a passing, silly feeling, like Lausbub and Lord Acton — how foolish!
I must be off, the Dinnerbell is ringing.
Tho' it is already late, I must write a little still, my heart is so full. I feel low to-day, I long for you so increasingly, madly, to-day more than ever. Oh, my love, my Nicky, to be able to call you my own and to have a right to do so, what bliss. How can I ever thank you enough for yr great love and devotion, my precious boysy, only mine, as I only and utterly unto death yours. Bless you my Childy, my Nicky. I love you, love you.
This afternoon we drove to Darmstadt and were overtaken by showers. We looked at the rooms, Ducky's are being arranged — you cannot think what a pang it gives me each time seeing dear Mama's rooms changed and belonging to another, who can, I doubt remember her at all. Papa's rooms too are partly changed and it makes me wretched — all the old, dear remembrances flying away, but not in memory, it makes me miss him more than ever, it upsets me each time, going there now and I have to look as tho' I did not care.
I went quickly to my rooms and looked for things I wanted, then we took tea, after wh we drove down to the stables, looked at the horses and whilst Ernie and Ducky went to see Nora, Thora and I ran up to the Riedesels — only the three youngest children were at home. They were very dear and showed everything and I poked about amongst the little one's school books wh usually amused her. Her brother we had met in the street as he had gone out to tea. The other 2 joined us and when the worst shower was over, we returned. The roads were swamped. But to-night the stars are shining, so I hope it will improve. This daily rain is rather trying. But, you know, I must go to bed now, poor legging are so tired. Good night and God bless you and may His angels keep watch over you. Our thoughts I am sure have met. A good kiss I press on yr brow and gently clasp you to my beating heart, not beating as that day of the noughty officer, but beating with love for душки. I long to go on chattering to you for ever, my heart is so full. I must gaze at yr dear photos wh surround me, and wonder what you are doing — perhaps writing too!
One month still, and then lovy comes, I hope and pray, oh, the meeting do you think like at Walton July 20th? That dear place! I have used yr scent to-night again and it reminds me so of you. Your letters smell so delightfully of cigarettes always, I enjoy it so much. Your box is quite as full still, I cannot smoke now you are away, and you, are you not puffing away too much? You will call me an old plague and old maid, but deary, I have known people's hearts being affected by too much smoking, and that makes me nervous, tho' I understand people doing it, perfectly, myself liking it, only I hate it when women try to smoke as much or more than men.
I hope you have good news from the young married couple. And how does Mother dear bare the separation? Now I really must be off to bed, otherwise I shall be quite lame to-morrow. Night night. Боже тебя храни!
21st — I must quickly finish my letter. At last it is fine to-day. Thora went for a ride with H. v. Riedesel and Ducky and I felt too fearfully jealous. Ernie has gone to Offenbach for a grand reception — he is going to look at all the manufactories and so on, so for luncheon we are six ladies and one Gentleman. I have been learning and burning and now must flie to luncheon. You will let me know whether you really think there is a chance for Schneiderlein and if you can speak to yr Mother about it.
Many tender kisses,
Ever yr deeply loving own true girly,
Alix
Above: Nicholas and Alix. Photo courtesy of Ilya Grigoryev on Flickr.
Above: Princess Victoria "Toria" of Wales, Nicholas's and Alix's cousin.
Note: душки = darling.
Боже тебя храни! = God save you!
