Alix's letter to Nicholas, written May 10 and 11 (New Style), 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 36 to 38, by George Hawkins, 2023

The 1,500th post to this blog!

The letter:

No 10

Buckingham Palace

May 10th 1894

My own precious Nicky,

Tho' I have only just written to you, I am sitting down to scrible again, but this letter will only leave to-morrow. I am alone, Christle has gone to his room and Thora is dressing for a dinner to wh she is going to-night, but as we only dine so late, I think the best way of filling up my time is by sitting in a comfortable armchair with the lamp close to me, chattering to you. No, you cannot imagine how it poured when we were out driving, the 2 poor gentlemen who had to ride next to the carriage looked like drowned rats, it reminded me of the day of the wedding, our drive back from the Rosenau. I am sure you remember my beautiful aspect when I afterwards turned up for tea — Sandra's red cap, a red, wet face and blue frozen hands, from driving Caesar without gloves on. You know you deserve a good scolding for remaining up so late at night, tho' it touches me deeply you do it as to write to the old owl, but still I wish you would not — it is not good. Don't think I am preaching because I myself like doing the same, but it is surely a bad habit to get into and one cannot cure oneself of it so quickly later. I want my Darling to look well when he comes here and not thin and pale as I alas have seen him look.

I wish I could remain quietly up here instead of going to Dinner, it is so quiet and peaceful here and I have been trotting about all day long and am rather ramolie in consequence. I pity my neighbours to-night, they will find me more idiotic than ever. Christle brought in rather an extraordinary part of his garments, to have them [illegible] by his sister's maid. Whenever anyone knocked, he died of fright, lest it should be Gretchen who would have been too terribly shocked. Really, boys are funny creatures, well, men I ought to say as he is getting on for 30. But now I must go and dress. Good night my Boysy, sleep well, and may your Guardian angel keep watch over you, my own true love.

It is getting on for 12 and I am sitting in my bedroom in a décolté gown with no jewels on and my hair all down. I look raving mad, but Madeleine has gone to see some friends who seem to have kept her rather long and my gown is laced and pinned and tied at the back so that I cannot possibly undo it alone and am as helpless as a Baby. Well, Dinner was nice, only I have neuralgia in the one side of my face wh is idiotic, but a night's rest will take it away. A. Beatrice forgot to write the sitting list, so Christle and I being the ones in the house had to arrange it, but I think all were satisfied. Naughty Cousins teazed me so, for sitting went to the nice, young Lord in Waiting, and said I had on purpose arranged it so and they thought it too bad that as I did not go to parties, I chattered with young men, too wicked of them. Why should I not choose an amusing neighbour, and as he was the best of the Gentlemen and I the second last lady, we had to sit next to each other. You don't mind that, I am sure, you know yr old Owl does not flirt, one can talk and laugh without doing that, can't one?

Just before Dinner, I received your sweet letter. Bless you for it my Boysy. You cannot think how intensely happy I am to hear from you. I do not understand why you don't get a letter from me, as I write every day. Please thank dear Xenia for her charming letter. Don't let us speak yet about my coming, tho' I should so much like to see your Parents. I honestly would rather not go. To travel there without Ernie would be so unpleasant, belong to him still in one way, don't I, tho' you have got me quite in another [illegible]. Don't make me travel so far again. I feel Imust write you all I feel and you will understand me, my own precious love, won't you? Toria spoke so much about you again, how fond she is of you. I am sure you must also be very devoted to her, dear girl. It is such a pleasure like that hearing so much about you, as otherwise I have no one to speak about you too — she knows you best. She is going to lend me some books your dear old Priest gave her. I do wish I could see more of her, and hear like that more about my love. She wore the lovely bracelet you have her. I am glad you have had such a friend all these years and I hope I will never stand in the way of your friendship — friendship is such a lovely rare thing that one must not loose it for anything. "Freundschaft macht die Menschen Gottes Engeln gleich etc." What a noble, fine, utterly unselfish character hers is. Anyone whom you love is doubly dear to me, for they must be worth loving if you care for them.

But now, I really must be off to bed. Good night again. God bless you. "Almighty and ever lasting God, give unto us the increase of faith, hope and charity, and that we may obtain that which thou dost promise, make us to love that which thou dost command, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen." "He will give His Angels charge over thee to keep thee in all His ways." "Gracious is the Lord and righteous, yea, our God is merciful. I was in misery, and He helped me." "Let us be content, we do not know what is good for us, and God does." God bless you, Nicky dear.

Goodmorning my own sweet one. I hope you slept well and had no fight with hats. Thora, Sandra, Gretchen and I went to a picture gallery, but I was greatly disappointed. There was nothing of interest to be seen, then we drove through the Park. There is an exhibition of English silks going on here, and Grdmama allowed me to choose two pieces for dresses she will give me for my wedding. One is white with little coloured flowers and silver line twisted in and out, and the other a greyish white with pinkish red japonica. I took it immediately, as it reminded me the most of our flower, only that is a prunus something.

It is finer to-day, and this morning the sun shone. Aunt B is remaining here for the Theatre, so Granny and I will return all alone to Windsor. I can well imagine that her letter was a difficulty to decypher.

But I must be off.

Ever, beloved Nicky mine, yr own true little Bride

Alix

Above: Nicholas and Alix. Photo courtesy of TatianaZ on Flickr.

Notes: ramolie = exhausted.

"Freundschaft macht die Menschen Gottes Engeln gleich etc." = "Friendship makes men like God's angels etc."

Alix's letter to Nicholas, dated May 9 (New Style), 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 30 to 31, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

No. 8

Buckingham Palace

May 9th 1894

Дорогой Ники,

I am writing rot, because Thora Holstein is sitting near me and knitting and chattering like a magpie, and then I am expected to write decently. I have just come back from a visit to Aunt Alix and Cousins. How charmingly they have arranged their rooms, lots of photos of my Darling, wh make me quite jealous. I saw the room in wh you lived. I wish we could stop there a few days to-gether, what fun we might have. What tears Toria and Maud are, it is so sad I see so very little of them — if we could only get Toria to Russia — what a devoted friend she is to you, dear Child.

It is pouring so I hope Granny won't drive as it would make me sick sitting backwards in a shut carriage.

Thora is killing and makes impossible remarks. She thinks "Hetschendorf" man charming, so it's not only me you see. You old goose, well, I was one too, why, Weeping Willow's birthday is only to-day, how cld I be such a donkey as to think it was on the 7th. I think I am getting ramolie, you'd better come and wake your old owl up a bit. Oh, sweety, how I long for you, daily more and more if it is possible, if you only knew how I adore you, my Darling, my own sweet Boysy dear.

Granny is actually going out driving so I must fly. I shall get sick.

At last back again, nearly chocked swallowing hot tea, tore up 38 steps, am panting for breath. It poured in deluges and when we came home the sun shone. Now I must rush and dress for supper and theatre — really it is killing and I live quite at the top of this immense palace.

I am greedy, I want another letter from you, my sweetheart. Sweet Boysy. Thora has made me roar — in one of the papers was written that we had loved each other for five years, but had been too shy to tell it each other — is it not sweet. Oh, how happy I am in your love, my Nicky sweet. I long to fly to you and hide myself in your arms and look at those lovely, gentle eyes. To-morrow I will write more, now I have no time, it is too tiresome, but I am hunted from one place to the other. A good long kiss and tender blessing.

Ever yr own truly loving little girly

Alix

Thora sends you her love.

Above: Nicholas and Alix.

Notes: "Дорогой Ники" = "Dear Nicky"

ramolie = exhausted.

Alix's letter to Nicholas, dated May 6 (New Style), 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 21 to 23, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

No. 5
Windsor Castle, May 6th 1894
Дорогой, милый Ники,
Здравствуйте! I have just come back from service, we had lovely singing and a fine sermon. I prayed most earnestly for my darling. I wish you had been there, I think you would like the English service, the prayers are to beautiful and elevating.

This moment a letter has come from Aunt Alix, full of yr praise and so kind. She wants me to go with them to Sandringham from Saturday to Monday — whether Granny can spare me I don't know as she does not care for our going on visits whilst one is living with her. I shall ask her afterwards. I would much rather have waited and gone with you, it wld have been less shy work as they have always a large party, into wh I so little belong. I forgot to say yesterday that foolish Georgie says I am to insist upon yr wearing high heals and that I am to have quite low ones. May, he says won't change hers, but he wears much higher ones — at first they had been uncomfortable but now he did not mind it any more. I can see yr face when you read this — really so mad! As if the highth made any difference, and a gentleman with high heals looks too absurd and I am sure you would never do it.

Granny is alas very lame to-day, wh depresses her, poor dear. Darling you will be able to get leave sometimes, so as that we can come and see her, as who knows how long we may still have her in our midst and it makes her so unhappy thinking me so far away, as we all have been so constantly here, and she has always been a second mother to us, and treated us more as her own children, not like Grandchildren. It is too awful when I think anything may happen to her — then the whole family wld more or less separate and it wld never be the same again — the head wld be missing, round whom all used to collect. God grant that she may be spared to us still many years.

I must dress now as I am to go out with her and Aunt. I shall probably only follow the carriage a bit as it goes to fast for me now with my rotten old legs.

Me come back again. Granny won't spare me, I am not to go, she has the first right to me and it is the last time and she does not think it good I should go if they have a large party and without you. She seems not to wish me to go there, even not whilst she is at Balmoral. I am to see her in London she says. I am also not to go to Ascot races without you, it wld not be proper, well, honestly, I much prefer not going to the latter.

Last night Aunt B and I played to Granny some things of Grieg wh she liked. Thora, the snipe, is coming this afternoon and I want her to go to Church with me.

I have had such idiotical dreams, I who usually never dream, that it was a mistake, that I was not engaged to you, tho' I loved you awfully, but to your Uncle Alexei, you and I were always to-gether, skating, and I was in despair as I only cared for you and I did not know how to get out of it — too absurd. I was completely confused when I woke up in the morning. It is warm and windy. I hope the post will bring me a letter to-morrow as they take to long coming from Russia and I am longing for news.

Many tender kisses, sweetest One, and bless you. I am yearning for you. The bells chime so beautifully here, I wish they could ring over to you.

I have just seen Dr. Reid and he is going to give me a nerve tonic and I am to take what my Dr told me too. My pulse ought to be stronger. I shall be good and do all I am told as I must get my legs in order, for all the standing. I do wonder when I shall get your first letter from home.

"La vie est un sommeil, l'amoue en est le rêve, et vous avez vécu, si vous avez aimé."

Now my own precious One, I must say Goodbye. Many a tender kiss do I press here for my Pet. God bless and protect you my Own beloved One, my Nicky sweet.
Ever yr deeply loving and devoted little Girl
Alix

Above: Nicholas and Alix.

Above: Queen Victoria.

Notes: "Дорогой, милый Ники, здравствуйте!" = "Dear, darling Nicky, hello!".

Thora = Princess Helena Victoria of Schleswig-Holstein (1870-1948), daughter of Princess Helena and Prince Christian. Cousin of Alix.

"La vie est un sommeil, l'amoue en est le rêve, et vous avez vécu, si vous avez aimé." = "Life is a sleep, love is its dream, and you have lived, if you have loved."

Excerpt from Alix's letter to Nicholas, dated July 27 and 28 (New Style), 1894

Sources:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 177 to 179, by George Hawkins, 2023

George Hawkins at Letters and writings of Nicholas II and his family on Facebook

https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=pfbid0z4RmBk123HpoWH8Huk3eV5igajamKaMbaWNJESMLtuvgzKq96RnXR7dJCBhfNAnHl&id=100067001081671

The letter excerpt:

Thora is on deck being swung by Dr Woods on a little swing they hang up on purpose for her. The Island looks lovely to-day. How I miss you is not to be described, how mad we were that day and when you lay smoking on Granny's bed. Thora told it Admiral Fullerton and he roared. Schneiderlein and Gretchen are with us... The sea is like a looking glass — if it is only so on Tuesday it will be delightful. What fun we might have had were you here. I cannot enjoy myself properly without you, tho' I had to laugh before. We were up on the bridge and the wind wld catch under Thora's dress and blow it up so that she looked impossible and did not know how to move.

The letter in full:

No. 53

July 27th 1894

Душки Ники,

I am down below in the cabin where the piano is — this time it is open and there are tables with writing materials. To my joy I am going to have yr cabin — my name is already put in the place near the door. I shall kiss the name a certain person wrote and where he placed a kiss. I hope it will make me dream of you. Our party only consists of four as the others we had asked rebelled the last moment as they were afraid it might be ruff — nonsense, as there is no motion at all.

Thora is on deck being swung by Dr Woods on a little swing they hang up on purpose for her. The Island looks lovely to-day. How I miss you is not to be described, how mad we were that day and when you lay smoking on Granny's bed. Thora told it Admiral Fullerton and he roared. Schneiderlein and Gretchen are with us.

Fancy, one of the poor men of the explosion last week was swamped up near the yacht yesterday and he is now lying where the poor others were. It is too sad! The sea is like a looking glass — if it is only so on Tuesday it will be delightful. What fun we might have had were you here. I cannot enjoy myself properly without you, tho' I had to laugh before. We were up on the bridge and the wind wld catch under Thora's dress and blow it up so that she looked impossible and did not know how to move. We are going to have tea up there afterwards. We lunched at ¼ to 1 before coming on board. Schneiderlein grumbles because I did not learn properly to-day, my head is ramolie and empty, only one picture is in it. Whose?

Here I am home again. I have been rubbing Thora as poor Child had such a bad headache. Our trip was nice, the air so lovely but I could not help feeling depressed without you. I miss you too dreadfully my beloved sweet darling. I am going to rest now a bit and then shall continue before going to bed. "Loin des yeux mais près du coeur" "I love thee, I love thee, that's all I can say, it is my dreaming in the night, my vision in the day, the very echo of my heart, the blessing when I pray."

We had Lady's Dinner (dull) and then played duets of course. I can't write much to-day as I have such neuralgia and my right eye is fast closing. Lovy sweet, God bless you. Your little girly misses you badly and the evenings, how gently my poor tired Darling slept that night, I longed to keep you clasped in my arms and to have watched over you, but yr old man would have been too greatly shocked and who knows whom you might have met in the morning then.

Granny heard from Charlotte — she suffers from headaches, ever since she was thrown out of the carriage and is therefore going for a change of air to the Norderney. My Gentleman had concussion of the brain, but the ladies did not suffer in any way.

Now good night sweety, sleep well and dream of your forlorn spitzbub who is anxiously awaiting a letter from darling lausbub by to-morrow morning's post.

28th. Good morning. My hair is being done and I must finish this letter quickly as we are going to Ryde at 10.30 to be photographed. I hope they will succeed as then I shall send you some immediately and those of the other day I hope are at last finished. A good kiss for yr dear telegram I received this morning, it looks too mad in this impossible language.

It is 10 and I must dress and be off to breakfast otherwise Granny is sure to be there before me. Hang that clock striking, og dear, and my hair is not finished.

Schneiderlein will address this. A good kiss. Ever yr own deeply loving and ever faithful bridy

Alix

God bless you, sweety.

Above: Alix.

Above: Nicholas.

Above: Alix's cousin Princess Helena Victoria of Schleswig-Holstein, known within the family as Thora.

Notes: "Душки Ники" = "Darling Nicky".

ramolie = exhausted.

"Loin des yeux mais près du coeur" = "Out of sight, but close to the heart".