Alix's letter to Queen Victoria, dated December 26, 1892

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, pages 289 to 291, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

Königliches Schloss, Kiel
December 26th 1892
My own darling Grandmama,
I send You my most loving and heartfelt thanks for the lovely bracelet with my beloved Papa's head — nothing could have given me greater pleasure and I shall wear it constantly. Also for 'Tennyson's Works' and the sweet little Card, most tender thanks.

I received many lovely Presents, amongst others, a beautiful bracelet from Ernie, aranged out of buttons belonging to dear Papa, which makes it of course more valuable to me, he always knows how to give one pleasure, and I am sure there never was a dearer and kinder Brother.

It is such a comfort being able to spend Xmas here, as it would have been too painful the first time alone at home, but nevertheless it was hard going away from the Rosenhöhe.

Darling Grandmama, I hope You are spending these days happily with all the Relations and though we are not able to be with You, my thoughts, prayers and most earnest and tenderest wishes for the New Year are surounding You.

There is one thing I wanted to tell You still. I have had a formal invitation to go to Berlin for Mossy's wedding and Ernie thought it right that I should accept it as I have already been asked for the other occasion the last years and did not go. Finger also thinks it right I should go being the only Hessian Princess. I must say I dread it teribly, as I have a great dislike of such large festivities, and especially now that I have lost my own sweet darling Papa, but it must be, and I pray God may give me strength to do my duty. Ernie wrote to Aunt Vicky to ask her whether she would take me into her house instead of him, so as that I could be under her protection, and she has kindly agreed to it. Irène being also in the house will make it so much pleasanter for me, as if I had to live in the Schloss with all the guests, and no married nearer Relation, it would not have been so easy and far more tiring, as one would perpetually have to be running up and down.

It is bitterly cold to-day and snowing fast, regular Xmas weather.

But I must end my letter now, as a long letter is in the way, when I fear You must be having very much to do.

Thanking You again many times for the lovely presents and with my very tenderest wishes that the New Year may bring You much joy and happiness and good health, I remain, Darling Grandmama dear, Your ever deeply devoted, loving and grateful Child
Alix
God bless and protect You!
Many a loving and tender kiss for my dearest Grandmama

Above: Alix.

Above: Queen Victoria.

Alix's letter to Queen Victoria, dated December 22, 1892

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, pages 288 to 289, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

December 22nd 1892
My darling Grandmama,
I send you my most loving thanks for Your dear letter, which Bäuerlein brought me, You must please forgive my not having answered it before now, as also Your other kind note, but I was not well enough. I am so much better now, only must be still careful — I shall certainly do as You wish and consult an other Doctor, a specialist. Dr. Eigenbrodt thinks it also a very good thing I should do so. It is such a nuisance having perpetually something, and people imagine immediately it being something terrible, which is not in the least the case.

It was such a pleasure having dear Ella here, but alas her stay was too short.

The Christening went off beautifully yesterday, and the dear little Baby was so good and quiet, only smiling, and quite awake.

We leave to-morrow evening for Kiel, one dreads Xmas and the beginning of a new year as that is just the time one longs to have all one's dear ones close by, and one feels the loss of those that have been taken away, more than ever.

I wish we could have taken Victoria with us, but she did not like traveling at this time of year with such a small Baby. We shall be back next week, so as to begin the New Year here.

I have worked You an other chair, like the one I gave You on Your Birthday, and hope You will find it useful for one of the cottages. The little card is to bring You my most tender good wishes for Xmas.
Kissing Your dear Hand most affectionately, I remain, Beloved Grandmama,
Ever Your most loving and dutiful Child,
Alix

Above: Alix.

Above: Queen Victoria.

Excerpt from Alix's letter to Queen Victoria, dated October 15, 1892

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, page 288, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter excerpt:

October 15th 1892
... it was terribly sad coming back, and finding the house empty — but we must not speak about such sad things...

Above: Alix.

Above: Queen Victoria.

Alix's letter to Queen Victoria, dated October 13, 1892

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, pages 287 to 288, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

Buckingham Palace
October 13th 1892
My beloved Grandmama,
I must just send You a few lines before we leave, to thank You again for all Your kindness, and for letting us spend such a very happy time with You, it was only such a pitty not feeling well, as it prevented me from going out with You more. It is quite a second home to be with You and I can never thank You enough for Your great kindness to us.

I hope and trust that you are feeling quite well and that the weather is at last getting finer, here it has been quite pleasant and fine, only to-day it is rather windy, so I fear the sea will not be very smoothe.

This morning I called on Victoria Grant to enquire after Lady Fanny, but was grieved to hear that she had not had a good night. Victoria I thought was looking pale and tired.

Then I also went to see the German Governesses home, and Fräulein Adelmann took me all over it — she showed us with great pride an engraving You had given of Yourself, after that we went to the National Gallery, but only stayed there quite short, as it would otherwise have been too tiring.

Yesterday, Aunt Mary, Uncle Franz, May and Algey came to tea — they were all looking well and in good spirits. Then Uncle Alfred came to see us, before leaving this morning for Coburg and Siegmaringen.

It was so kind of You allowing us to stop here three days — there has been so much to do, what with seeing tradespeople and so on. Herr Wolff came to dinner last night and afterwards played to us, and really more beautiful than ever. Miss Moore came too — it reminded one so much of the evenings at Balmoral.

I am sending You the only two photographs I have of myself — the large one was done before Xmas last year and the other was taken out of a group, but I have been done here, and if they succeed, I shall send You one.

But I am afraid I must end my letter now, as there are still several things that have to be packed, and we leave, alas, in an hour.
Goodbye my own darling Grandmama
Kissing Your dear Hand most tenderly, I am ever Your very moving, deeply devoted and dutiful Child
Alix

Above: Alix.

Above: Queen Victoria.

Alix's letter three days after what would have been her father's 56th birthday, written to Queen Victoria, dated September 15, 1892

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, page 286, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

Wolfsgarten
Sept 15th 1892
My darling Grandmama,
I cannot thank you enough for your dear letter, which touched me so deeply. It was too good and kind of you to write to me for the 12th, which was a terribly sad day, — one missed beloved Papa quite dreadfully — to think that one never more shall spend that else so happy day to-gether, one cannot believe it.

But I am too thankful that we were still last year to-gether on that day at Cassel, when the large parade was.

Though coming to Balmoral will bring many memories, I am looking forward to it, as I long to see you, my dearest darling Grandmama.

Ernie is so sorry that we cannot leave here sooner, but it is impossible, on account of the manoeuvres, at wh. he has to be present.

Yesterday I went to Homburg to say Goodbye to the Aunts and Cousins, whom I all thought looking well — they are expecting Willy to come on Sunday. I am so glad that Dona's wish has at last been fulfilled and that she has a little Daughter, God grant that all may go well.

With much love and kissing Your dear Hand most affectionately, I remain Beloved Grandmama, Ever Your very loving deeply devoted and dutiful Child
Alix

Above: Alix.

Above: Queen Victoria.

Alix's letter three days after her 20th birthday (her first without her father), written to Queen Victoria, dated June 9, 1892

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, page 272, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

Heiligenberg
June 9th 1892
My darling Grandmama,
Your dear letter and present touched me deeply, and I hasten to send You my very warmest thanks for both. Nothing could have given me greater pleasure than that enamel of beloved Papa. Oh, I had to think so much of last year, how happy we were then on my Birthday.

This was the first time I spent the 6th without him and I felt it terribly and longed for him. It is a selfish wish to want them back again, now that they are happy and at peace, but one does so yearn to have those one loved close to one.

Now we have at last again fine, sunny weather. I hope everything is now nice and green at Balmoral.

I was indeed astonished when I heard of Missy's engagement and could not at first believe it. One had often heard speak of it, but I thought she had other intentions. She is still so very young, almost a Baby, but I trust she will be happy with Ferdinand.

With [illegible] thanks and kissing Your dear Hand most tenderly, I am, Dearest Grandmama, Your ever very loving and dutiful Child
Alix

Above: Alix.

Above: Alix as a teenager with her father.

Above: Queen Victoria.

Alix's letter to Queen Victoria for her 73rd birthday, dated May 22, 1892

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, pages 266 to 267, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

Darmstadt
May 22nd 1892
My own darling Grandmama,
These lines are to bring You my most tender and heartfelt goodwishes for Your dear Birthday. I hope You will spend the day very happily and not think too much of the sad things this year has brought, Grandmama dear. I am so glad that we were able to spend that dear day to-gether last year, and my thoughts will now be so much with You.

May God bless and protect You, beloved Grandmama, and keep every sorrow from You, and give You good health and everything one can possibly wish.

I am writing on grey paper, as I felt a black edged letter for such a day would never do.

I hope You will like the chair I have worked for You. I thought it might perhaps do for one of the cottages or for sitting out in the garden. I have done another one exactly like it, only it was unluckily not finished in time, but I hope to be able to send it by next Messenger. I began working on it when I used to sit with dear Papa and then I went on with it once or twice during the time of his dreadful illness, when one was not allowed to be in the room, and wished to do something to keep one quiet — for these reasons I thought You might like to have it, and as he had seen me working at it.

I am so sorry to hear that nothing is yet green at Balmoral, here the woods and garden are perfectly lovely. We are probably going to lunch at Jugenheim to-day as it is so fine. Aunt Julie is still here, she intends only going when the great heat begins, I think.

Above: Alix.

Above: Queen Victoria.

Excerpt from Alix's letter to Queen Victoria, dated May 14, 1892

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, page 264, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter excerpt:

May 14th 1892
... It is quiet here now, and one misses sweet Papa so terribly & especially now that the fine warm weather has begun, when he always used to take one out for long drives, or all sat to-gether. Oh, darling Grandmama it is too terrible....

Above: Alix.

Above: Queen Victoria.

Above: Alix as a teenager with her father.

Alix's letter to Queen Victoria, dated May 9, 1892

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, pages 262 to 264, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

Darmstadt
May 9th 1892
My beloved Grandmama
I cannot tell You how deeply touched I was that You wrote to me so very soon — it was really too dear and kind of You, and I send you my most heartfelt thanks. I am so glad that You had a good crossing, and only hope that the journey was not too tiring.

We do miss You so, as it was such a pleasure seeing You, and that You were able to spend a few days with us. Thanks so much for coming as indeed it was a great comfort seeing You. It is so quiet again now, and Irène and Baby have also left — a Child in the house makes so much difference.

Ernie returns this evening from Potsdam — he seems to have had a grand reception — yes indeed, darling Grandmama I shall try and do all to help him, as his life will not be easy for him now, and he is still so young. I only wish I were as clever as Victoria, as then I could be of far more use to him — but I am sure Ernie will always try and so all that is right, & will gladly listen to all and any advice.

It will not always be easy, as he is so lively and not as patient as my own beloved Papa was. Oh, dear Grandmama, one does miss him too terribly. Everything has remained the same, and yet it is so very different — the real sunshine has left us.

Yesterday Irène and I went for a ride with Herr and Frau von Riedesel, it was very pleasant out. I thought it would be a good thing to begin again, as then we can take Ernie sometimes out too, as I am sure it will do him no end of good.

Victoria has asked me to lunch at the Alte Palais, so as that I should not feel too lonely. Her headache is quite gone and she looks better.

Pfarrer Bender and Dr. Eigenbrodt were deeply touched that You so kindly sent them Your Print and Photograph.

I am glad to hear that Mrs Tuck arrived safely, and hope that she will soon quite recover, as it must be too unpleasant for You having an ill Maid in the house.
Kissing Your dear Hand most affectionately, I remain, My dearest Grandmama,
Ever Your very loving and deeply devoted and dutiful Child
Alix

Above: Alix.

Above: Queen Victoria.

Alix's letter to Xenia, after the recent and deeply traumatising death of Alix's father, dated April 8, 1892

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, page 255, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

Darmstadt
April 8th 1892
Душка Ксеніи
I was deeply touched by your letter so full of kind sympathy, and send you now my most heartfelt thanks.

It has all been too terrible, one can scarcely realize it, it seems like some horrible dream.

One scarcely finds courage to begin life again, without beloved Papa. He was my Sunshine. Being left so much alone to-gether these last years, one had grown if possible still more attached to each other — and then He was suddenly taken from one. One misses Him too fearfully. Oh, it is so hard to be quiet and brave when one feels quite crushed.

Poor Ernie is so young, and such grave responsibilities rest now upon his shoulders. What sorrows this life does bring one, and such hard trials. But I must not make you sad with this letter, you must only know joy and happiness and be spared every sorrow and worry.

I cannot write any more to-day.
A good kiss,
Your loving old

Alix

We miss Ella so much. Alfred is getting on nicely. Very hot weather, all is getting green. I hope you spent your Birthday happily, we thought much of you.

Above: Alix and her siblings in mourning for their father. Photo courtesy of TatianaZ on Flickr.

Above: Alix with her father.

Above: Xenia.

Note: "Душка Ксеніи" = "Darling Xenia".

Alix's letter to Queen Victoria, five days after the recent and deeply traumatising death of Alix's father, dated March 18, 1892

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, pages 250 to 252, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

Darmstadt
March 18th/92
My own darling Grandmama,
Your sweet and kind letter arrived just this minute and I send You my most heartfelt thanks for it, as well as for Your other one, which please forgive my not having answered yet.

Oh, dearest Grandmaam, I can scarcely write, I feel so utterly broken. This irreparable loss seems nearly too hard to bear, and to have to begin life again, when one's sunshine has been taken from one, one scarcely knows how to do so. Yet one must be brave and try to be like Him and do what one thinks He would have wished. Oh, how awfully one misses, daily more and more. To think that one never more shall be able to see His beloved, precious face and never to hear His sweet voice again, oh, my darling Grandmama, it is too terrible and one knows not how to say, "Thy Will be done."

A greater angel never was, so good, dear, kind, beloved. He was everything to me, and the more we were left alone to-gether, the more one felt drawn close to Him, and yet one could not keep Him, out of our midst He was taken, so full of life and vigour still. But one must try and be calm. I am sure our heavenly Father would not have taken Him from us, if it had not been to spare Him many an earthly sorrow. If He had always remained an invalide, how fearful that would have been.

Poor dear Ernie, so suddenly placed in such a position, and with such responsibilities on his young shoulders. He is so brave and good, the dear Boy. To him I must now give all my affections and try to help him were I can and I am sure You, beloved Grandmama, will always be ready to give him advice and love when he needs it.

How good and full of kindness You always were to beloved Papa and us all — we never can forget it and You know how His devotion was to You and how ours is.

May God comfort You in Your great sorrow, dear Grandmama.

It is such a comfort having dear Sisters here, and Aunt Vicky and Uncles were also so kind.

So many loving thanks for sending me the Service and special prayers of the 17th.
Please forgive my letter not being properly written, but I scarcely know how to write yet.

Kissing You dear Hand most affectionately, I am, Beloved Grandmama,
Your ever very loving, truly devoted, dutiful and deeply sorrowing Child
Alix

How happy he will be now, united with sweet Mama & the dear little ones & I am sure they are now looking down upon us & watching over us in our deep sorrow.
A tender kiss for the sweetest of all Grandmamas.

Above: Alix and her sisters in mourning for their father.

Above: Alix with her father.

Above: Queen Victoria.

Note: Alix's father, Grand Duke Louis IV of Hesse, had died from a heart attack at the New Palace in Darmstadt on March 13, 1892.

Alix's letter to Xenia, dated January 11, 1892

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, pages 249 to 250, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

Jan 11th 92
My darling Xenia,
To-day I am sending you one of my English photos; you must send me a large one of yourself also once, will you?

Ernis sends you the enclosed card with best wishes for the New Year.

Uncle Arthur and A. Louischen are arriving soon, so you must not expect a long letter. The Edinburghs' are coming for two days from Friday on.
A good long kiss,
Ever yr very loving old
Alix

Above: Alix.

Above: Xenia.

Alix's letter to Toni Becker, dated September 20, 1892

Source:

Briefe der Zarin Alexandra von Russland an ihre Jugendfreundin Toni Becker-Bracht (2009), edited by Lotte Hoffmann-Kuhnt

The letter:

Den 20ten Sept. 1892

Meine liebe Toni,

Ich muss Dir einige Zeilen von hier schicken, um zu sagen, dass wir gestern gut ankamen. Zuerst war die See prachtvoll, — die aufgehende Sonne, Neumond & zwei Sterne wie wir an Bord gingen, ganz idyllisch. —

Je mehr wir uns Dover [näherten] je unangenehmer wurde es, wir fuhren gegen Wind und Fluth, — mir wurde es schlecht, & den ganzen Tag fühlte ich mich schwindlich. — Wir sind in den Strassen herumgelaufen (& ich habe Schneider u. s. w. gesehen, nicht gerade amüsant). — Es ist eine Tantalusqual immer an den prachtvollen Läden vorbeizugehen, & nicht gleich zu kaufen. Wir sind doch eine Nacht hier geblieben, Grossmama fand es besser; — heute um 7 herum geht's wieder los. — Bete für mich, Kind, ich fühlte mich so furchtbar traurig. — Der Abschied von Darmstadt war mir gresslich, Ernie muss es aber nicht bemerken, für ihn muss ich heiter sein, aber mein Herz blutet. Ich habe eben an zu viel trauriges zu denken. —

Wie glücklich waren Papa & ich voriges Jahr hier. —

Oh Liebling, denke an Deine Dir sehr treue Alte die Dich innig küsst, & schreibe mir bald. — Wetter schön, in der Nacht war Regen. —

Ein Schwalbacher Gesicht hat Ernie gestern in der Strasse gesehen, sein Freund, der so schön singt, haben wir auch gesehen, er geht ein Stückchen mit uns heute Abend. Bless you.

English translation (my own; original English in italics):

20th Sept. 1892

My dear Toni,

I must send you a few lines from here to say that we arrived safely yesterday. At first the sea was magnificent — the rising sun, new moon & two stars as we went on board, very idyllic. —

The closer we got to Dover, the more unpleasant it became, we drove against wind and high tide, — I felt sick, & all day I felt dizzy. — We ran around in the streets (& I saw tailors etc., not exactly amusing). — It is a torture to walk past the splendid shops & not to buy straight away. We stayed here one night, Grandmama thought it was better; — today at 7 o'clock it starts again. — Pray for me, Child, I felt so terribly sad. — It was horrible for me saying goodbye to Darmstadt, but Ernie was not to notice, for him I must be cheerful, but my heart bleeds. I simply have too many sad things to think about. —

How happy Papa & I were here last year. —

Oh Darling, think of your very faithful Alte, who gives you a big kiss, & write to me soon. — The weather was fine, there was rain that night. —

Ernie saw a Schwalbacher face yesterday in the street, we also saw his friend, who sings so beautifully, he is going a little way with us tonight. Bless you.

Above: Alix.

Alix's letter to Toni Becker, dated December 23, 1892

Source:

Briefe der Zarin Alexandra von Russland an ihre Jugendfreundin Toni Becker-Bracht (2009), edited by Lotte Hoffmann-Kuhnt

The letter:

Freitag Abend

Dez. 23. 1892.

Liebes Kind,

Wir reisen in einer halben Stunde ab, ich muss Dir aber noch rasch vorher einige Zeilen schicken, um Dir meinen innigsten Dank auszusprechen für Deinen lieben Brief, das hübsche Bücherzeichen, & der schöne Kasten. — Mit vielem Dank schicke ich "Jane Eyre" zurück — es hat mich sehr interessiert & ist so schön geschrieben.

Denke an Deine alte Freundin & bet für sie — wir waren heute Nachmittag mit Blumen auf der Rosenhöhe — oh, Kind, Du kannst Dir meine Gefühle jetzt denken — wie immer wird mir der Abschied von Darmstadt so schwer.

Bless you — a good Xmas Kiss,

Ever Y loving old Alix

English translation (my own, with original English in italics):

Friday evening

Dec. 23. 1892.

Dear Child,

We leave in half an hour, but I must send you a few lines beforehand in order to express my heartfelt thanks for your dear letter, the pretty Bookmark, & the nice Box. — Thank you very much, I am sending back "Jane Eyre" — I was very interested in it & it is so beautifully written.

Think of your old friend & pray for her — we went to the Rosenhöhe with flowers this afternoon — oh, Child, you can imagine my feelings now — as always, saying goodbye to Darmstadt will be so difficult for me.

Bless you — a good Xmas Kiss,

Ever Y loving old Alix

Above: Alix.

Above: Toni Becker.

Alix's letter to Toni Becker, dated October 4, 1892

Source:

Briefe der Zarin Alexandra von Russland an ihre Jugendfreundin Toni Becker-Bracht (2009), edited by Lotte Hoffmann-Kuhnt

The letter:

Balmoral

Den 4ten Oct. 92

Mein liebes Kind,

Tausend Dank für Deinen süssen Brief den mir der messenger heute Morgen als ich noch zu Bett lag, brachte. Ich werde versuchen heute mehr zu schreiben, aber ich habe wenig Zeit zum Schreiben, da ich so viel andere Sachen treibe. — Mit der Grossmama kann ich leider fast nie gehen, da man zu rasch neben ihrem Wägelchen hergehen muss, & es mein Knie immer schlimmer macht, darum gehe ich meistens allein spazieren am Fluss entlang im langsamen Schritt, & träume vor mich hin. — Ich habe mich auch öfters schon gefahren, & einmal ein Stück 4spännig. — Wir spielen manchmal 8händig, & es geht recht gut.

Der Violinspieler Wolff (Holländer) den ich schon öfters früher gehört habe, hat zweimal gespielt, er soll auch noch einmal diese Woche kommen ehe er abreist. Er spielt zu wunderbar schön, mit soviel Gefühl & reinem Anschlag, er scheint jedes Jahr Fortschritte zu machen — er übt auch jeden Morgen vier Stunden. Er ist sehr angenehm & liebenswürdig & wir haben ihn nach Darmstadt geladen, worauf er sich schon sehr freut. Erst muss er nach Amerika, & kommt dann zu uns im April, wahrscheinlich. Ich muss mich im Begleiten üben, denn es wäre so interessant mit ihm zu spielen.

Es regnet heute wieder und ist beastlich. — Ich habe in der letzten Woche furchtbar viel an Kopfweh gelitten, & ich glaube ich vertrage die starke Luft dieses Jahr nicht so gut wie sonst. — I have just returned from the station where I fetched Irene & family, & now they are sitting in my room & chattering away, so I cannot possibly write anymore.

A loving kiss.

Ever Y deeply affectionate Alte

Schreibe mir mit dem nächsten messenger nach Buckingham Palace, denn wir reisen Montag von hier ab, & bleiben einige Tage in London, & würde mich sehr freuen von Dir dort zu hören. —

English translation (my own, with original English in italics):

Balmoral

4th Oct. 92

My dear Child,

A thousand thanks for your sweet letter that the messenger brought me this morning when I was still in bed. I will try to write more today, but I have little time to write as I do so many other things. — Unfortunately, I can almost never walk with Grandmama, because one must walk too quickly next to her cart & it makes my knee worse and worse, that is why I usually walk alone along the river at a slow pace & dream to myself. — I have also driven myself several times, & once a piece of 4 horses. — We sometimes play 8 hands & it works quite well.

The violin player Wolff (Dutch), whom I have heard several times before, has played twice, he is supposed to come again this week before he leaves. He plays too wonderfully beautifully, with so much feeling & pure touch, he seems to make progress every year — he also practices four hours every morning. He is very pleasant & amiable & we have invited him to Darmstadt, which he is really looking forward to. First he must go to America, & then comes to us in April, probably. I must practice accompanying because it would be so interesting to play with him.

It is raining again today and it is beastly. — I suffered an awful lot from headaches in the last week, & I think I cannot take the strong air as well as usual this year. — I have just returned from the station where I fetched Irene & family, & now they are sitting in my room & chattering away, so I cannot possibly write anymore.

A loving kiss.

Ever Y deeply affectionate Alte

Write to me with the next messenger to Buckingham Palace, as we are leaving on Monday, & are staying in London for a few days, & I would be very happy to hear from you there. —

Above: Alix.

Above: Toni Becker.

Nicholas's diary entry about Alix, dated April 1, 1892

Source:

Olga Grigor'eva at lastromanovs on VK

https://vk.com/lastromanovs?w=wall-56510987_46228

The diary entry:

1 апреля. Среда.

... Весьма странное явление которое я в себе замечаю: я никогда не думал что два одинаковых чувства, две любви одновременно совместимы в душе. Теперь уже пошел четвертый год что я люблю Аликс Г. и постоянно лелею мысль если Бог даст! на ней когда-нибудь жениться! На следующую зиму я сильно влюбился в Ольгу Д., теперь впрочем это прошло! А с лагеря 1890 г. по сие время я страстно полюбил (платонически) маленькую К. Удивительная вещь наше сердце!

Вместе с этим я не перестаю думать об Аликс! Право можно бы заключить после этого что я очень влюбчив? До известной степени: да; но я должен прибавить что внутри я строгий судья и до крайности разборчив! Вот это и есть то настроение которое вчера я назвал непостным!

English translation (my own):

April 1. Wednesday.

... A very strange occurrence that I notice in myself: I never thought that two identical feelings, two loves are simultaneously compatible in the soul. Now it is already the fourth year that I love Alix H. and I constantly cherish the thought if, God willing! I should someday marry her! The next winter I fell deeply in love with Olga D., but now it is gone! And from the camp of 1890 to this time, I passionately fell in love (platonically) with little K. An amazing thing is our heart!

At the same time, I can't stop thinking about Alix! Can one then rightly conclude that I am very amorous? To a certain extent: yes; but I must add that on the inside I am a strict judge and extremely discriminating! This is the mood that yesterday I called impious!

Above: Alix.

Above: Olga Dolgoroukova.

Above: Mathilda Kshessinskaya.

Above: Nicholas.

Alix's letter to Toni Becker, dated October 12, 1892

Source:

Briefe der Zarin Alexandra von Russland an ihre Jugendfreundin Toni Becker-Bracht (2009), edited by Lotte Hoffmann-Kuhnt

The letter:

Den 12.ten Oct. 92.

Meine liebe Toni,

Tausend Dank für Deinen lieben Brief, den ich gestern erhielt. Da wir erst Morgen abreisen, so soll Dir der messenger noch vorher diese Zeilen bringen. Ich bin eben vom Photographen zurückgekommen, & sitze in grande "toilette", da die Kammerfrauen nicht da sind, & das Kleid hinten zugemacht is. — Das Wetter ist glücklicher Weise sehr schön hier, wenn die See Morgen nur ruhig ist — wir gehen wieder über Ostend, so dass wir um 1 Uhr ungefähr am Freitag in Darmstadt ankommen werden, wenn es Gottes Will ist. —

Der Violinspieler hat wieder in Balmoral gespielt, & ist mit uns hierhergereist, er spielt bei uns heute Abend & soupiert mit — wenn Du ihn nur hören könntest — es ist ein solcher Genuß. —

Gestern habe ich bei Miss Jackson in ihrem kleinen Häuschen Thee gehabt, es war nett & gemüthlich — mein Bruder ist met einem Freund herumgelaufen, heute kommen die Teck's zu uns zum Thee. — Wir sind gestern den lieben langen Tag herumgerast in Läden u. s. w. — One gets ruined here. — Miss Robson (die bei meinen Cousinen, den kleinen Connaught's war) reist mit uns, sie wird die Gouvernante von der kleinen Alice. —

Ich freue mich so auf „home, sweet home” —

& ich hoffe wir sehen uns recht bald.

Es küsst Dich innig

Deine sehr treue Alte

English translation (my own, with original English in italics):

October 12th. 92

My dear Toni,

A thousand thanks for your lovely letter that I received yesterday. Since we do not leave until tomorrow, the messenger should bring you these lines first. I have just come back from the photographer, & I am sitting in the grande "toilette", since the maids are not there, & the dress is closed at the back. — Fortunately, the weather is very nice here, if only the sea is calm in the morning — we are going over Ostend again, so that we will arrive in Darmstadt at around 1 o'clock on Friday, if it is God's will. —

The Violin Player has played again at Balmoral & has traveled here with us, he is playing with us tonight & has dinner — if you could only hear him — it is such a pleasure. —

Yesterday I had tea at Miss Jackson's little house, it was nice and cozy — my brother ran around with a friend, today the Tecks come to us for tea. — Yesterday we raced around in shops all day long and so on — One gets ruined here. — Miss Robson (who was with my cousins, the little Connaughts) travels with us, she shall be the governess to little Alice. —

I am so looking forward to "home, sweet home" —

& I hope to see you soon.

I kiss you deeply

Your very faithful Alte

Above: Alix. Photo courtesy of TatianaZ on Flickr.

Above: Toni Becker.

Alix's letter to Toni Becker, dated July 11, 1892

Source:

Briefe der Zarin Alexandra von Russland an ihre Jugendfreundin Toni Becker-Bracht (2009), edited by Lotte Hoffmann-Kuhnt

The letter:

Schwalbach den 11ten Juli/92

Meine liebe Toni, 

Vielen Dank für Deinen letzten sehr willkommenen Brief. Es freut mich, dass Du Deinen Aufenthalt in Michelbach zu geniessen scheinst, & möge er Dir recht gut bekommen. Und wie vergnügt die Kleine sein muss ihre liebe Freundin zu haben. Ich wünschte Du könntest nur nachher nach Mehlem, oder kannst Du es nicht einrichten, dass Du Frl. v. Rath nach ihrem Besuch in Darmstadt, heimbegleitest, & dann ein wenig bei ihr bleiben, aber Carlito wäre wol doch nicht da, — hörst Du nie was er treibt? — Es ist immer so schade wenn man einen Menschen hat gut kennen lernen, & mit ihm viel zusammengewesen ist, & man dann scheidet & sich eine Ewigkeit nicht wiedersieht. —

Ich liege eben auf dem Sopha, nachdem ich den Andern beim Lawn Tennis zugesehen hatte, — es ist Tantalusqual, aber ich kann nicht spielen wegen meinem Bein, aber hoffentlich auf dem Wolfsgarten. Es graut mir so vor dort. Wie anders wird es nun vom vorigen Jahr. — Mein Kind, — I can not get over it, I do miss him too terribly, one minute one laughs, & the next one longs to cry — nearly four months already, & we never were seperated so long before — & now it is to last for ever, — nevermore shall I look on his beloved face or hear his dear voice again, oh, it seems too hard to bear. — But he is happy & at rest now, & I ought not to fret, but I did love him so. There never was a better creature a more adorable Father. — Aber diese trüben Gedanken dürfen Dich nicht stören, Du musst nur Sonnenschein haben, es passt besser zu Dir. —

Es küsst Dich von Herzen

Deine treue Alte

Einen schönen Gruss an die Kleine

English translation (my own; original English in italics):

Schwalbach, July 11th/92

My dear Toni,

Many thanks for your last very welcome letter. I am pleased that you seem to be enjoying your stay in Michelbach, & may it be good for you. And how happy the Little One must be to have her dear Friend. I wish you could only go to Mehlem afterwards, or can't you arrange to accompany Frl. v. Rath home after her visit to Darmstadt & then stay with her for a while, but Carlito wouldn't be there, — you never hear anything; what is he doing? — It's always a shame when you get to know someone well, & have been with them a lot, & then one is separated & they don't see each other for ages. —

I am just lying on the sopha after watching the others play Lawn Tennis — it is torture, but I can't play because of my leg, but hopefully in the Wolfsgarten. I dread it there. How different it will be from last year. — My Child, — I can not get over it, I do miss him too terribly, one minute one laughs, & the next one longs to cry — nearly four months already, & we never were seperated so long before — & now it is to last for ever, — nevermore shall I look on his beloved face or hear his dear voice again, oh, it seems too hard to bear. — But he is happy & at rest now, & I ought not to fret, but I did love him so. There never was a better creature a more adorable Father. —  But these sad thoughts must not disturb you, you must only have sunshine, it suits you better.

I kiss you with all my heart

Your faithful Alte

Greetings to the Little One

Above: Alix.

Above: Toni Becker.

Alix's letter to Toni Becker, dated June 8, 1892

Source:

Briefe der Zarin Alexandra von Russland an ihre Jugendfreundin Toni Becker-Bracht (2009), edited by Lotte Hoffmann-Kuhnt

The letter:

Darmstadt, Den 8ten Juni/92

Liebe Toni,

Ich sende Dir meinen innigsten Dank für Deinen lieben Brief & den süssen Engel. Ich werde ihn im Schlafzimmer aufhängen. Ich habe solche Bilder besonders gern, & ich kannte dieses noch nicht. — Wie wunderschön es doch heute wieder ist. —

Dass Ihr in Aschaffenburg übernachten musstet finde ich prachtvoll. — Wir waren vorhin im Herrngarten & auf der Rosenhöhe, fahren jetzt gleich wieder fort, drum muss ich diese abermalige kurze Epistel schliessen.

Deine treue Alte

Kaulbach kommt morgen nach Jugenheim um V's & mein Bild zu machen. Seine ersten fand er schlecht.

With English translation (my own):

Darmstadt, June 8th/92

Dear Toni,

I send you my most heartfelt thanks for your dear letter & the sweet Angel. I shall hang it in the bedroom. I am particularly fond of pictures like this, & I never knew this one. — How beautiful it is today again. —

I think it is wonderful that you had to spend the night in Aschaffenburg. — We were earlier in the Herrngarten & on the Rosenhöhe, are going to continue straight away, so I must close this short epistle again.

Your faithful Alte

Kaulbach is coming to Jugenheim tomorrow to take V's and my picture. He found his first ones bad.

Above: Alix.

Above: Toni Becker.

Alix's letter to Toni Becker, dated June 7, 1892, her first birthday without her father...

Source:

Briefe der Zarin Alexandra von Russland an ihre Jugendfreundin Toni Becker-Bracht (2009), edited by Lotte Hoffmann-Kuhnt

The letter:

Jugenheim den 7ten Juni

1892

Meine gute liebe Toni,

Von Herzen danke ich Dir für Deinen lieben Brief von Mehlem. Es war lieb, dass Du meiner an meinem Geburtstag gedachtest. — Es war ein gar harter Tag. Obwohl alle Verwandten kamen, & ich viele schöne Geschenke erhielt, so freue ich mich doch wie der Tag vorüber war, denn ich vermisste meinen geliebten Papa zu furchtbar. Das erstemal, dass ich meinen Geburtstag ohne ihn feiern musste, — Oh, Kind, es ist zu furchtbar, ihn nicht mehr zu haben, täglich vermisst man ihn mehr & mehr. —

Wie gut, dass das Wetter endlich wieder einmal schön ist, denn obwohl man den Regen sehr herbeigewünscht hatte, so hätte man doch gerne Sonnenschein zu Pfingsten gehabt. Wir fahren heute zum Luncheon nach Schönberg & von dort auf den Hohenstein. Unternehmt Ihr auch einen Ausflug? Ich hoffe die Tage in Michelbach waren nett, ich habe viel an Dich gedacht. — Grüsse die Kleine von mir & danke für den Glückwunsch. — Ich kann aber Dir nichts mehr heute schreiben, denn ich habe noch andere Briefe zu beantworten ehe wir fortgehen.

Es küsst Dich herzlich

Deine Alte

With English translation (my own):

Jugenheim, June 7th

1892

My good, dear Toni,

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your dear letter from Mehlem. It was nice that you thought of me on my Birthday. — It was a very hard day. Although all the relations came and I received many beautiful gifts, I was still happy when the day was over, as I missed my beloved Papa too terribly. The first time that I had to celebrate my birthday without him, — Oh, Child, it is too terrible not to have him anymore, every day one misses him more & more. —

How good that the weather is finally nice again, because although one had wished for the rain very much, one would have liked to have sunshine on Whitsunday. Today we drive to the Luncheon in Schönberg & from there to the Hohenstein. Do you also go for an outing? I hope the days in Michelbach were nice, I thought of you so much. — Greet the Little One for me & thanks for the congratulations. — But I can't write anything to you today, as I have other letters to answer before we leave.

A hearty kiss.

Your Alte

Above: Alix. Photo courtesy of TatianaZ on Flickr.

Above: Toni Becker.

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