Source:
Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 24 to 27, by George Hawkins, 2023
The letter:
No. 7
Windsor Castle
May 8th 1894
My милый, дорогой Ники,
Здравствуйте! I am just back from breakfast with Grandmama. Aunt Vicky sent a long letter of Sophie's — poor things, it must be too terrible in Greece, these incessant shocks. She said what had made such a curious impression when on Good Friday night the procession in the streets with the carpet and candles, all sang out Lord have mercy on us! No really it must be too fearful for words living in the constant dread of being shattered to atoms. It is as tho' they were being punished for some great sin, one cannot understand it. But God knows best why He is inflicting them with this misfortune and tho' we seem to think it cruel, what sorrows this life does bring and what great trials, how difficult to bear them patiently, and then again we are not half grateful enough for the joys this life brings us. Darling, I am sure these five years have been good for both of us, I only know they have made me think of God far more than I did before. Suffering always draws one nearer to God, does it not, and when we think of what Jesus Christ had to bear for us, how little and small our sorrows seem in comparison and yet we fret and grumble and are not patient as He was.
Oh my love, I wish I had you always by my side, how you might help me and teach me to be a better creature — I am not half worthy of you. I have still so much to learn, that is why I also say, do not let us marry just yet, tho' separation is hard, it is better not to hurry. And think only of the Religious question, you cannot expect me to know and understand it all immediately and to know a thing only half, is not right, and I must know the language a bit, so as to be able to follow the services a little.
To-day Georgie's answer came but sent to Aunt Alix, as I had simply signed Alix, he of course did not think of me.
Well the Staals dined last night and were most amiable and the Italian Ambassador and wife. He had been long ago in St Petersburg and his wife is Russian — good heavens how she chattered, one did not know any more where one's head was. We eat white bait and I longed to send you my plate, flying over the sea. I have got a large thing to burn and paint for Granny's Birthday on May 24th and I don't know how to get it done as I have had as yet absolutely no time and my legs ache fiendishly. Now Louise Aribert has telegraphed to her Parents that she is coming to them on the 25th so there is no room for me. I am sorry as it would have been nice, but perhaps Granny will allow me to go earlier for four days.
Still no news of Frl. Schneider. I wish Ella would let me know. I have been for 10 minutes with Gretchen — it is close and yet windy, not enjoyable weather. Oh, I do so long for a letter from you, they take such ages to come. I wonder if you have very much to do, my old, sweet thing. The ink is so watery that one makes blotches perpetually, too dirty, o tho' [illegible].
Aunt Alix and the 2 girls are coming to luncheon — poor Victoria — God bless her and may He some day make her happy, she deserves it, the dear Child, and little Maudy too. When one is happy, one longs to see others also joyous and grieves one cannot do anything for them — don't you too?
Some German lines I think so pretty, and which are set to music by F. Liszt.
"Es muss ein Wunderbares sein
Ums Lieben zweier Seelen,
Sich schliessen ganz einander ein,
Sich nie ein Wort verhehlen,
Und Freud und Leid und Glück und Not
So mit einander tragen;
Vom ersten Kuss bis in den Tod
Sich nur von Liebe sagen."
This moment I received your sweet letter, for which very fondest thanks and many a loving kiss. You cannot think how intensely happy it has made me, and that your Parents have agreed. Oh, you sweet boy, my own, my precious darling, my Nicky dear. I feel another being since your letter has come and all the dear words and little flower. God bless you my love.
You naughty thing, how dare you say that about the sly look and the house on the left!!!! Be ashamed of yourself, I wish I were there to pinch you for it.
The monogram on your paper does for me A H Hessen. This monogram I have stamped on the papers with a thing that belonged to darling Mama, that is why it has got the English crown.
I can see all the people running in to your room, how happy they must be to have you back again and how you must rejoice being home again — home, "there is no place like home" how true it is — and then to think that it is some day to also be the old owl's, I can scarcely believe it.
Aunt Alix and the three girls have left again, they were very dear, especially Victoria. She is going to write to you. They dine on Thursday at Buckingham Palace so I shall see them there. They are greatly looking forward to seeing you — how they all love you, well, I think I can understand it — you old beast, you make a rumpus in our heart.
The wind is howling and the grey clouds are collecting to-gether, so I fear we shall be douched out driving with Granny.
No, I am so happy with your angelical letter and only wish I could write such nice ones. And you all take nice walks to-gether, the whole happy family. Yes, indeed, I miss the inevitable Rosenau so much, tho' we grumbled then, now I look back upon those afternoons and long for them again.
Sweet Boy, I must say goodbye now, with many a tender kiss and fond blessing, I remain
Ever yr deeply devoted little girly
Alix
To-morrow we are off to London so my next letter will be from there — how I shall rejoice if the postman brings me a letter every day, or is it expecting too much!
Above: Nicholas and Alix.
Notes: "My милый, дорогой Ники, здравствуйте!" = "My dear, sweet Nicky, hello!".
"Es muss ein Wunderbares sein
Ums Lieben zweier Seelen,
Sich schliessen ganz einander ein,
Sich nie ein Wort verhehlen,
Und Freud und Leid und Glück und Not
So mit einander tragen;
Vom ersten Kuss bis in den Tod
Sich nur von Liebe sagen." =
"How woundrous it must be
When two souls love each other,
Locking each other wholly in,
Never concealing a single word,
And sharing with each other
Joy and sorrow, weal and woe;
Talking only of love
From the first kiss unto death."
(Translation by Richard Stokes, author of The Book of Lieder (Faber, 2005).
