Alix's letter to Nicholas, dated August 8 and 9/20 and 21 (New Style), 1894

Sources:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 266 to 268, by George Hawkins, 2023

George Hawkins at Letters and writings of Nicholas II and his family on Facebook

https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=pfbid0Ltt6LEebg3EvghvjvnAVRojNb3n1au2vgW2DHaeabbTQ8y3pBZrKC4Nxv9Yf3CZ3l&id=100067001081671

The letter:

No 78

Wolfsgarten

Aug 20th 1894

My precious One,

To-day it is four months that we are engaged, and my thoughts flie back to Coburg — shall I ever forget the emotions of that day and what it brought me. I don't deserve that gift wh God gave me after those five years of despair — me He make us worthy to possess it. Sweetest boy, how kind and loving you were. I must perpetually think of you, it was such a joy therefore receiving two dear letters to-day as none came yesterday on account of the Sunday post. Best thanks for them and for Toria's, thank her from me, will you and tell her how much it touched me her having written from yr little house. I am not angry darling, on the contrary, I am glad for you having her as I know how devoted you are to each other and that she is your best friend. I must now confess that when you went to Sandringham, I felt miserable knowing you would be much to-gether and I was so furious with myself for being jealous wh is a horrid thing, and for being so selfish in wanting to keep you all to myself. I am glad you are to-gether now, it is good for me to get over that rotten, wicked feeling. I love her dearly and would for nothing in the world wish to stand between yr friendship — why, she has known you longer and seen you more and knows you better than poor old spitzbub. I am glad you have such an honest, dear friend. God bless your friendship and may it ever remain the same.

Never mind me, it was a passing, silly feeling, like Lausbub and Lord Acton — how foolish!

I must be off, the Dinnerbell is ringing.

Tho' it is already late, I must write a little still, my heart is so full. I feel low to-day, I long for you so increasingly, madly, to-day more than ever. Oh, my love, my Nicky, to be able to call you my own and to have a right to do so, what bliss. How can I ever thank you enough for yr great love and devotion, my precious boysy, only mine, as I only and utterly unto death yours. Bless you my Childy, my Nicky. I love you, love you.

This afternoon we drove to Darmstadt and were overtaken by showers. We looked at the rooms, Ducky's are being arranged — you cannot think what a pang it gives me each time seeing dear Mama's rooms changed and belonging to another, who can, I doubt remember her at all. Papa's rooms too are partly changed and it makes me wretched — all the old, dear remembrances flying away, but not in memory, it makes me miss him more than ever, it upsets me each time, going there now and I have to look as tho' I did not care.

I went quickly to my rooms and looked for things I wanted, then we took tea, after wh we drove down to the stables, looked at the horses and whilst Ernie and Ducky went to see Nora, Thora and I ran up to the Riedesels — only the three youngest children were at home. They were very dear and showed everything and I poked about amongst the little one's school books wh usually amused her. Her brother we had met in the street as he had gone out to tea. The other 2 joined us and when the worst shower was over, we returned. The roads were swamped. But to-night the stars are shining, so I hope it will improve. This daily rain is rather trying. But, you know, I must go to bed now, poor legging are so tired. Good night and God bless you and may His angels keep watch over you. Our thoughts I am sure have met. A good kiss I press on yr brow and gently clasp you to my beating heart, not beating as that day of the noughty officer, but beating with love for душки. I long to go on chattering to you for ever, my heart is so full. I must gaze at yr dear photos wh surround me, and wonder what you are doing — perhaps writing too!

One month still, and then lovy comes, I hope and pray, oh, the meeting do you think like at Walton July 20th? That dear place! I have used yr scent to-night again and it reminds me so of you. Your letters smell so delightfully of cigarettes always, I enjoy it so much. Your box is quite as full still, I cannot smoke now you are away, and you, are you not puffing away too much? You will call me an old plague and old maid, but deary, I have known people's hearts being affected by too much smoking, and that makes me nervous, tho' I understand people doing it, perfectly, myself liking it, only I hate it when women try to smoke as much or more than men.

I hope you have good news from the young married couple. And how does Mother dear bare the separation? Now I really must be off to bed, otherwise I shall be quite lame to-morrow. Night night. Боже тебя храни!

21st — I must quickly finish my letter. At last it is fine to-day. Thora went for a ride with H. v. Riedesel and Ducky and I felt too fearfully jealous. Ernie has gone to Offenbach for a grand reception — he is going to look at all the manufactories and so on, so for luncheon we are six ladies and one Gentleman. I have been learning and burning and now must flie to luncheon. You will let me know whether you really think there is a chance for Schneiderlein and if you can speak to yr Mother about it.

Many tender kisses,

Ever yr deeply loving own true girly,

Alix

Above: Nicholas and Alix. Photo courtesy of Ilya Grigoryev on Flickr.

Above: Princess Victoria "Toria" of Wales, Nicholas's and Alix's cousin.

Note: душки = darling.

Боже тебя храни! = God save you!

Pierre Gilliard's diary entry, dated August 5 (New Style), 1914

Sources:

Treize années à la cour de Russie: Le tragique destin de Nicolas II et de sa famille, pages 88 to 90, by Pierre Gilliard, 1921

https://archive.org/details/LeTragiqueDestinDeNicolasIiEtDeSaFamille/page/n85/mode/2up

Thirteen Years at the Russian Court, pages 108 to 110, by Pierre Gilliard, translated by F. Appelby Holt, 1921

https://archive.org/details/cu31924028372088/page/n127/mode/2up

The diary entry:

Mercredi 5 août. — ... Le soir j'ai de nouveau une longue conversation avec l'impératrice qui ne peut pas admettre que je parte pour la Suisse.

— C'est absurde, vous n'y arriverez jamais, tous les chemins sont coupés.

Je lui dis qu'un arrangement est intervenu entre l'ambassade de France et la légation de Suisse et que nous partirons tous ensemble par les Dardanelles.

— Le malheur est que si vous aves quelque chance — fort minime d'ailleurs — d'arriver chez vous, vous n'en avez aucune de revenir ici avant la fin de la guerre. Et comme la Suisse ne se battra pas, vous resterez chez vous à ne rien faire.

En ce moment le Dr Dérévenko entra dans la salle où je me trouve avec Sa Majesté. Il tient à la main les journaux du soir qui annoncent la violation de la neutralité suisse par l'Allemagne.

— Encore! mais c'est fou, c'est insensé, s'écrie l'impératrice. Ils ont complètement perdu la tête.

Et comprenant qu'elle ne peut maintenant me retenir, elle n'insiste plus et se met à me parler avec bonté de mes parents qui vont être pendant si longtemps sans nouvelles de moi.

— Je n'ai moi-même aucune nouvelle de mon frère, ajoute-t-elle. Où est-il? En Belgique, sur le front français? Je tremble à la pensée que l'empereur Guillaume, par vengeance contre moi, ne l'envoie contre la Russie, il est bien capable de cette vilenie! ... Oh! c'est horrible la guerre! Que de maux, que de souffrances, mon Dieu! ... Que deviendra d'Allemagne? Quelle humiliation, quel écrasement! Et tout cela par la faute des Hohenzollern, par suite de leur orgueil fou et de leur ambition insatiable. Qu'ont-ils fait de l'Allemagne de mon enfance? J'ai gardé de mes premières années de si jolis souvenirs de Darmstadt, si poétiques, si bienfaisants et j'y avais de bien bons amis. Mais, lors de mes derniers séjours, l'Allemagne m'est apparue comme un autre pays, comme un pays inconnu et que je ne comprenais plus... Il n'y avait que les vieux avec lesquels je me retrouvais comme autrefois en communion de pensée et de sentiments. La Prusse a fait le malheur de l'Allemagne. On a trompé le peuple allemand, on lui a inculqué des sentiments de haine et de vengeance qui n'étaient pas dans sa nature... La lutte va être terrible, monstrueuse, et l'humanité marche au devant d'effroyables souffrances...

English translation (by Holt):

Wednesday, August 5th. — ... This evening I had another long talk with the Czarina, who will not hear of my leaving for Switzerland.

"It's ridiculous! You will never get there. All communications are interrupted."

I told her that an arrangement had been made between the French Embassy and the Swiss Legation, and that we should all go home together via the Dardanelles.

"The trouble is that, if you have some chance — it's a very small one — of getting home, you will have no chance of getting back here before the end of the war. As Switzerland will not fight, you will be at home doing nothing."

At that moment Dr. Derevenko entered the room. In his hand he held an evening paper announcing the violation of Swiss neutrality by Germany.

"Again! They must be crazy, mad!" cried the Czarina. "They have absolutely lost their heads!"

Realising she could not keep me now, she abandoned her resistance and began to speak kindly of my relations, who will be without news of me for some considerable time.

"I myself have no news of my brother," she added. "Where is he? In Belgium or on the French front? I shiver to think that the Emperor William may avenge himself against me by sending him to the Russian front. He is quite capable of such monstrous behaviour! What a horrible war this is! What evil and suffering it means! ... What will become of Germany? What humiliation, what a downfall is in store for her? And all for the sins of the Hohenzollerns — their idiotic pride and insatiable ambition. Whatever has happened to the Germany of my childhood? I have such happy and poetic memories of my early years in Darmstadt and the good friends I had there. But on my later visits Germany seemed to me a changed country — a country I did not know and had never known. ... I had no community of thought or feeling with anyone except the old friends of days gone by. Prussia has meant Germany's ruin. The German people have been deceived. Feelings of hatred and revenge which are quite foreign to their nature have been instilled into them. It will be a terrible, monstrous struggle, and humanity is about to pass through ghastly sufferings. ..."

Above: Alexandra.

Above: Pierre Gilliard.

Alix's letter to Toni Becker, dated January 8, 1894

Source:

Briefe der Zarin Alexandra von Russland an ihre Jugendfreundin Toni Becker-Bracht (2009), edited by Lotte Hoffmann-Kuhnt

The letter:

Den 8ten Jan. 1894

Liebe Toni,

Innigsten Dank für Deinen netten Brief. Es war gar schade, dass Du nicht mit nach Kranichstein konntest. I wanted you so to make the acquaintance of Mr. Whemyss. — Alle haben ihn riesig auf dem Ball bewundert. Lobe mich, ich habe nur in den Touren vom Cottilon mit Needles getanzt — alles Respectspersonen. —

Du kannst Dir denken, dass es mir wehmüthig zu Muthe war, da die Vergangenheit mir lebhaft vor Augen stand. — Sonst war es aber animiert. —

Ich liege auf meinem Bett & ruhe mich nach der Tanzprobe aus, denn heute thut mein Bein mir rasend weh. — Kind bete für uns. Morgen sehr früh geht's nach Coburg — warum — ist nicht nötig zu sagen. Ich freue mich unsäglich mir Ernie erlaubt ruhig in den alten Zimmern weiter zu wohnen — ich werde doch das junge Paar allein lassen. Sie ist so viel jünger als ich, was manches erschweren wird für mich. — But his happiness first. —

Wie anders hätte die Reise nach C. für mich sein können. — Er hat mir geschrieben & seine Photo geschickt, poor dear, quite heartbroken. — I don't know what to do with myself, I must seem happy now tata.

Deine treue Alix

Schreibe mir fleissig — Einen heissen Kuss. Kommst Du auch nicht zum Costümball? —

English translation (my own; original English in italics):

8th Jan. 1894

Dear Toni,

Great thanks for your nice letter. It was a shame that you could not go to Kranichstein. I wanted you so to make the acquaintance of Mr. Whemyss. — Everyone admired him immensely at the ball. Praise me, I only danced with Needles on the Cottilon tours — all of them respectable people. —

You can imagine that I felt sad when I saw the past vividly. — Otherwise it was animated. —

I am lying on my bed & resting after the dance rehearsal, because today my leg hurts madly. — Child, pray for us. Tomorrow very early we are going to Coburg — it is not necessary to say why. I am unutterably happy that Ernie allows me to continue living in the old rooms — I will leave the young couple alone. She is so much younger than me, which will make some things difficult for me. — But his happiness first. —

How different the trip to C. could have been for me. — He wrote to me and sent me his photos, poor dear, quite heartbroken. — I don't know what to do with myself, I must seem happy now tata.

Your faithful Alix

Write to me diligently — a warm kiss Won't you come to the costume ball either? —

Above: Alix.

Above: Ernst and Victoria Melita.

Above: Nicholas.

Notes: Alix's brother Ernie's engagement to their cousin Victoria Melita ("Ducky") was announced in Coburg on January 9th. Alix dreaded the change that would come from Ernie's marriage to the lively Victoria Melita, who was four years her junior and whose character was in total contrast to hers.

"Er hat mir geschrieben & seine Photo geschickt..." = Here Alix is referring to Nicholas.

Letters detailing Alix's reluctance to convert

By 1893, Princess Alix of Hesse was deeply in love with the Tsarevich Nicholas Alexandrovich Romanov of Russia, but she knew that to marry him, she must convert to Russian Orthodoxy. But Alix belonged to the Lutheran faith, and her strong sense of virtue and duty made her feel overwhelmed and abhorrent toward the idea of converting, which she agonised over. Her initial refusal to convert and the immense anxiety it caused her can be seen in these letters.

Source:

A Lifelong Passion, letters compiled in this book by Andrei Maylunas and Sergei Mironenko

1. From Grand Duchess Elisaveta "Ella" to Nicholas, dated October 20, 1893

"Dearest Nicky,
Here is at last my letter about Pelly I. He is just as ever no changement and you remember our conversations before, well I wish you to know all perfectly clearly, after different conversations he gave in to see Pelly II but wishing her to understand that in spite of the depth and unaltering sentiment he has not the courage to change his r only I repeated that Pelly II longed to see him and speak it out -- well dear much hope there is not and he begs me to tell you not to misunderstand him but that my idea is that seeing Pelly II talking with her perhaps God will give him the courage to do a thing for love which now seems to him impossible. I don't mention the Pellys' names as really one never knows if the post does not read the letters and as I know how important and what deep interest you take in their fate I write thus. Please tell Pelly's parents all I say so that in case (God grant it may not be so) nothing comes of their meeting they may not reprove Pelly I of having given false hopes. I promised to write all as it is and hope you understand, in spite of all I hope that love may conquer and be too strong and his love is so deep and pure and the poor creature so utterly miserable that it makes ones heart ache that R should come between, they must both pray, and oh I do so hope as all other difficulties have passed.

If Pelly II consents telegraph to me all right then Sergei will write to the person who invited for Easter and we would go together to pay a visit and meet Pelly II there. You must answer directly. Pelly II might do as if she were travelling in different towns or simply pay a visit of congratulations as they are reigning now, papers will always talk if they meet or do not meet so that must not be the trouble. May I now say my opinion this is her last and only chance she must come now or it is a finished thing forever whereas if they meet who knows it is so difficult to refuse accepting the only being you love since years for whom the heart has been suffering to be separated. Pelly I said he would die for his love and if they speak perhaps the real barrier which has kept them apart will melt before the words of love from Pelly II don't you hope so and pray so for their happiness may God bless those poor darlings.

Ask the Father Ioann of Kronstadt to come and see Pelly II bless her and pray with her she wants God's help more than ever usually in life please please do tell her so now dear courage to speak to her and say all and may she come and we meet her soon. Kind messages from all to you, and a hearty kiss from your old friend and Aunt Ella."

2. From Alix to Xenia (one of Nicholas's two sisters), dated November 8, 1893.

"Darling Xenia,
A good kiss and fondest thanks for your dear letter.

It was such a pleasure hearing again from you. Yes, do continue writing to me, don't let what I am going to tell you, put a stop to our friendship and correspondence. My photo and a letter I have sent through Ella to Nicky. In it he will see, that I cannot change my decision, -- I cannot become untrue to my own confession -- do not believe that my love is less, why that has made it so far more hard and difficult to me, and I have been torturing myself. To hurt one whom one loves is fearful, and yet I don't want him to go on hoping, as I can never change my Religion. God bless the dear, and may he not think ill of his old Pelly. I feel too upset to write any more.
Your old Alix

Let me hear sometimes from you, may I? Don't let us quite drift apart, that would be too hard."

3. From Alix to Nicholas, dated November 8, 1893 (same day as above letter)

"Dearest Nicky,
I send you my very best thanks for your dear letter, and enclose the photograph you wished to have and which Ella will forward to you.

I believe it must have been a stronger will than ours which ordained that we should not meet at Coburg, for like this it gives me the chance to write to you all my innermost feelings which perhaps on the spur of the moment I might not have said, so that you may have misunderstood me.

You know what my feelings are as Ella has told them to you already, but I feel it my duty to tell them to you myself. I thought everything for a long time, and I only beg you not to think that I take it lightly for it grieves me terribly and makes me very unhappy.

I have tried to look at it in every light that is possible, but I always return to one thing. I cannot do it against my conscience. You, dear Nicky, who have also such a strong belief will understand me that I think it is a sin to change my belief, and I should be miserable all the days of my life, knowing that I had done a wrongful thing.

I am certain that you would not wish me to change against my conviction. What happiness can come from a marriage which begins without the real blessing of God? For I feel it a sin to change that belief in which I have been brought up and which I love. I should never find my peace of mind again, and like that I should never be your real companion who should help you on in life; for there always should be something between us two, in my not having the real conviction of the belief I had taken, and in the regret for the one I had left.

It would be acting a lie to you, your Religion and to God. This is my feeling of right and wrong, and one's innermost religious convictions and one's peace of conscience toward God before all one's earthly wishes. As all these years have not made it possible to change my resolution in acting thus, I feel that now is the moment to tell you again that I can never change my confession.

I am certain that you will understand this clearly and see as I do, that we are only torturing ourselves, about something impossible and it would not be a kindness to let you go on having vain hopes, which will never be realized.

And now Goodbye my darling Nicky, and may God bless and protect you.
Ever your loving Alix"

4. From Nicholas to Alix, dated December 17, 1893

"My dearest Alix
Please excuse my not having answered your letter sooner, but you may well imagine what a blow it proved to me.

I could not write to you all these days on account of the sad state of mind I was in. Now that my restlessness has passed I feel more calm and am able to answer your letter quietly. Let me thank you first of all for the frank and open way in which you spoke to me in that letter! There is nothing worse in the world than things misunderstood and not brought to the point.

I knew from the beginning what an obstacle there rose between us and I felt so deeply for you all these years, knowing perfectly the great difficulties you would have had to overcome! But still it is so awfully hard, when you have cherished a dream for many a year and think -- now you are near to its being realized -- then suddenly the curtain is drawn and -- you see only an empty space and feel oh! so lonely and so beaten down!!

I cannot deny the reasons you give me, dear Alix; but I have got one which is also true: you hardly know the depth of our religion. If you only could have learnt it with somebody, who knows it, and could have read books, where you might see the likeness and difference of the two -- perhaps then! it would not have troubled you in the same way as it does now!

Your living quite alone without anyone's help in such a matter, is also a sad circumstance in the barrier that apparently stands between us! It is too sad for words to know what that barrier is -- religion!

Don't you think, dearest, that the five years, since we know each other, have passed in vain and with no result? Certainly not -- for me at least. And how am I to change my feelings after waiting and wishing for so long, even now after that sad letter you sent me? I trust in God's mercy; maybe it is His will that we both, but you especially should suffer long -- maybe after helping us through all these miseries and trials -- He will yet guide my darling along the path that I daily pray for!

Oh! do not say 'no' directly, my dearest Alix, do not ruin my life already! Do you think there can exist any happiness in the whole world without you! After having involuntarily! kept me waiting and hoping, can this end in such a way?

Oh! do not get angry with me if I am beginning to say silly things, though I promised in this letter to be calm! Your heart is too kind not to understand what tortures I am going through now.

 But I have spoken enough and must end this epistle of mine. Thank you so much for your charming photo.

Let me wish, dearest Alix, that the coming Year may bring you peace, happiness, comfort and the fulfilment of your wishes. God bless you and protect you!
Ever your loving and devoted Nicky"

Above: Ella, year 1891.

Above: Nicholas, year 1893.

Above: Alix, year 1894.


Note: Pelly was a private nickname Nicholas and Alix used for each other during their courtship years. Nicholas was Pelly 2 and Alix was Pelly 1, together they were "the Pelly Party". In Ella's letter to Nicky, she switches their gender pronouns so as to keep the secrecy of the nickname intact.