Sources:
Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 190 to 194, by George Hawkins, 2023
George Hawkins at Letters and writings of Nicholas II and his family on Facebook
The letter excerpt:
You will send me a photo of your little house in the camp, won't you? And you know whose photo you said you would bring with you for inquisitive me to see? I hope she will leave you in peace and not worry you with letters when she is near the camp. Your confidence in me when you told me that little story touched me deeply. Whenever anything troubles or worries you, tell it me straight, lovy dear, as you will always find a compassionate heart in Alixy's and one always ready to help and soothe.
The letter in full:
No 56
Osborne
July 30th 1894
My own sweet Darling,
On coming back from Cowes where we had been shopping, I found yr sweet, long letter No 40 for wh very tenderest thanks. You can imagine what utter happiness and yet sorrow filled my heart when reading it. My great Darling, all you write is so awfully dear and loving and kind, just your own precious self. I miss you quite too terribly I can assure you so it is a comfort indeed receiving your lines of love and affection. I kiss you for them. What your love is to me, I cannot tell you but it makes me proud and so happy to think that I am loved by such an angel. I love you, it is all that I can say, it is my happiness to be able to give you my whole heart in return. It beats for you, you know how it can beat.
Yes, душки, I do feel your presence wherever I go, yet I long to have you by my side in person and to be able to kiss you and clasp you in my arms and gaze into those eyes I love so much — my love is strong and deep, beloved Nicky dear, and you know that you can fully and for ever trust your Girly being true and ever faithful to you.
Feeling so sure of each other too is a comfort — no snares can loosen the links by which we are chained to each other, your name is engraved on my heart and nothing can wash it away.
This will be my last letter from here. I am glad we were able to spend a few days here to-gether, it makes it so much nicer knowing the same places and everything has another aspect afterwards. But I am happy at last to return to Darmstadt, respective Wolfsgarten, but you don't know how sad yet every homecoming is to me as I feel the loss of beloved Papa then each time more deeply. Wolfsgarten that he loved so and where every little spot is associated with thoughts and remembrances of him. To come home and not find him is each time a fresh blow. I see him always before me there, riding, driving, leading the animals out in his light flannel suit. What it is to have lost him. Never was there a kinder, more loving Father — Father and Mother at once, and he and I were so much alone to-gether the last years, that I miss now too terribly, I cannot even yet often realize that I shall really never see him more on this earth — it seems always as tho' he were only absent on a long journey. Dearest one, I may speak to you about him sometimes, may I not? It does one good as you knew him too. I never speak to any others more about him, I cannot. Yet to you it is so different. Your great love helps me so. Sweetest darling Nicky dear, let me once more whisper gently (I love you with unending true devotion, better than I can say) But I must be off now.
I have had a telegram from Toria. They leave to-morrow, happy creatures, no, how I envy them seeing my pet. She is going to write to me from Peterhof. You will send me a photo of your little house in the camp, won't you? And you know whose photo you said you would bring with you for inquisitive me to see? I hope she will leave you in peace and not worry you with letters when she is near the camp. Your confidence in me when you told me that little story touched me deeply. Whenever anything troubles or worries you, tell it me straight, lovy dear, as you will always find a compassionate heart in Alixy's and one always ready to help and soothe.
Aunt B has gone to Southampton for some function or other — no opening or shutting this time however. I played on the pianos with Thora wh was nice. Then we two went down on the beach. I drove the ponies but they pulled vilely. We watched the Children bathe with the sailors and learn to swim and then we went into the boat and I rowed with heavy oars in the broiling sun — the result, I look like a vulgour poppie and have big blisters on my hand wh stick out like a red bump. Pooh, it is hot, such a change from the wind this morning.
How I long for you. What are you doing I wonder. Probably playing Bull with the officers. I have been for a drive with Granny and A. Louise and am now resting on the sopha. I got a dear telegram from Motherdear. How happy she will be to have you back again and you to see her and all the other dear ones, to whom much love. Granny has lent me Dean Stanley's letters he wrote from St Petersburg at the time of yr Mother's Wedding, so I am most anxious to read them.
The sunset was glorious, like a firy red ball. We are so many ladies that it is a difficulty to find any gentlemen, the most could not come. Lord Duffries neither, as he is out sailing. I am sorry as I shld so much liked to have seen him as we met last four years ago in Rome and we took tea in their house.
My friend (A. B.'s lady) Minnie Cochrane (with the white hair) peeped in a second — she is coming to-morrow to see me as who knows whether we shall meet again before a noughty somebody has got me as a dull wife? eh?
In the papers this evening I saw that you and Henry had been at midnight after yr Uncle's Dinner on board the Polar Star and Sachsen. Really you are too mad, I suppose I shall hear of it in the letter I hope to get to-morrow morning.
Really the Chinese and Japanese are horrid, sinking a transport ship and drowning and shooting the rest — what will be the end! My handwriting is like a schoolchild's, pardon it душеньки — and this epistle is mad, jumping from one thing to another.
To-day I heard, but it is as yet not to be spoken of, that Dolly Teck is engaged to a Doughter of the Duke of Westminster (you remember he dined at Windsor with his (2nd) wife).
Look here, we have been using the word "memories" for two things, have not received any letter from you and for "I love you" (at the end). Shall we not change and take another word for it, it is so silly, as so many come twice, we might for "love you" put Somemoris, only the one syllable before it, no, that is not necessary, we have been silly I see, the words quite at the end come in at the beginning but have only been added later than when the book was first edited, so let us change Peterhof: Venundo instead of Palpat, Petersburg: Venor. I love you Vesania.
I have just said good night to dear Granny who felt very sad that it was my last evening, the organ played the same sad tune as 8 days ago so it has made me feel quite low, and I have to think of last week the whole time — that terrible parting — oh, love sweet, pray to God that we may soon meet again. A charming oldish Clergyman whom dear Papa was so fond of and who comes to Balmoral to preach dined here to-night and after Dinner I spoke to him. About 13 years ago he went to Russia — Petersburg, Moscou, Troitza Monastery and two other towns, he had to return however sooner than he had intended and so could not see more places as he had wished. He has travelled all over the world and seen all the Churches of different Confessions and he said as long as you are a good person, it matters not to what Church you belong, it is only the outer form, like a dress and if there is a good heart, it matters not what your Confession is. He spoke so kindly and nicely. I wish we had been alone, I shld have asked him much more. He said he had met with such kindness from all yr Clergy in Russia. It does one good, a little talk with a liberal minded person like that and comforts and helps one.
Granny kindly gave Gretchen a charming chain bracelet and Schneiderlein a sweet brooch — they both are enchanted with their presents. It is so warm to-night, if only it is fine to-morrow as we want to bathe again.
Now, good night sweet, as we go off before 8 and I want to get a good sleep — the last time here — the lovely big bed, it spoils one, at home I have got a narrow hard one. God bless you, sweetest precious Nicky darling, and your Alixy is praying for you and kisses you ever so tenderly.
31st. Good morning Darling. It is very warm and fine. We have just come back from bathing in the large swimming bath. The sailor held Thora from a bridge with a cord to a belt around her waist and told her the movements, then he fastened a cord to me and made me try. I let it loose and afterwards I swam without anything through the place, 11 years ago I had three lessons in France and fancy, I could do it. I was muchly frightened at first, but am delighted I can do it. I am sorry to leave for that reason, as I should have liked to be able to swim properly. I rowed there and back, wh has not improved the blisters. Now I am going to rest on the sopha till breakfast as I feel somewhat exhausted. You will have to teach me some day to swim properly. Oh, I dreamt such nonsence about you and Thora's maid, not to be described the way you behaved and your flirtation etc. Too mad an idea for words. You know the beastly people always stand the three yellow chairs in a row of an evening, wh makes me feel quite low.
Beloved, truest Darling, yr dear letter has come and I send you a good kiss and my tenderest thanks for it. Now I am still anxiously awaiting a telegram to hear of yr arrival at Peterhof. So poor many was hot and had to write in his shirt! How happy all must have been to have had you there for the Silver Wedding. Yes, is not O an odious town for dining, for large dinners, we have had to do it too sometimes. Your letter is so sweet and loving, it has really delighted me — you are really too dear and kind for words and I love you always more and more, if that is possible. Du mein ein und mein alles, mein Nicky.
I shall send you a letter from Flushing — so nice I can have yr cabin. Osborne says goodbye to you and come here soon again with yr little (wife.) To think that I may one day call myself so — I cannot believe it! It will be too great a happiness. What an endless letter this one is, will it not bore you? But when I once sit down and begin to chatter to you, I could go on for ever. I am dying for a kiss from sweetykins, at home you will have to make up for the lots you owe me now.
Dr Reid has just wayed me and I way 11£ more than when I came to England in May. Is that not grand? My health is perfect, if it were only not for these legs, they do ache still so terribly, it gets on one's nerves, the pain, I could almost cry sometimes.
Now Goodbye my own precious Nicky sweety, many tender kisses. God bless you beloved one. Ever yr own truly devoted and deeply affectionate loving bridy
Alix
Above: Nicholas and Alix. Photo courtesy of TatianaZ on Flickr.
Above: Mathilde Kschessinskaya, the ballerina Nicholas had been in love with and had previously had a brief relationship with.
Notes: душки = darling.
душеньки = darling.
"Dolly Teck is engaged to a Doughter of the Duke of Westminster" = Prince Adolphus of Teck (brother of the future Queen Mary) 1868-1927. Married Lady Margaret Grosvenor, daughter of the Duke of Westminster, on 12 December 1894.
"Du mein ein und mein alles, mein Nicky" = "You are my one and all, my Nicky".
