Sources:
Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 327 to 330, by George Hawkins, 2023
George Hawkins at Letters and writings of Nicholas II and his family on Facebook
"Soon after her engagement, Alix began learning Russian in earnest, though she found it difficult. By September 1894, she was confident enough to write 2 pages of her daily letter to Nicholas in Russian by herself without help from Ekaterina Schneider - naturally enough there were mistakes, (and she wrote she was afraid of making mistakes) but an amazing effort for someone who had only been learning for approximately 3 months. ..."
The letter excerpt:
... о тебе, я скучно без мой дорогой лаусбуб. — Когда будешь ты у нас. И ты думаешь что я делала успехы, но я боюсь (ошибок?) — Это письмо очень скучно, но я не могу говорить что я хочу, подому что я забываю слова, и я пишу теперь одна. — Я так доволен чтобы доктор мог уехать, и что твой отец спит лучше. Говорй ему много Grüsse для обо мне. —
English translation (by Hawkins):
[I cannot live without you. I think] about you [all the time], I'm lonely without my dear lausbub. When will you be with us. And you think that I made progress, but I'm afraid (mistakes?) [—] This letter is very boring, and I can't say what I want, because I forget the words and I'm writing by myself now. I am so pleased that the doctor can leave, and that your father sleeps better. Give him a lot of greetings from me.
The letter in full:
No 100!
September 9th 1894
My own precious darling Nicky dear,
I think you ought to give me a medal for my 100th epistle, hurry up with your letters so that you get as far. We are just back from Church where I prayed fervently for my own manny, his father and the Weeping Willow. Our thoughts will have met and our prayers, don't you think so! Church was at 9½, the others walked and Ducky and I drove in the little carriage with the mule. It is so sad poor little Alice cannot hear the service or prayers — in the English church she can at least follow the prayers in the prayer book.
The weather cannot make up its mind what to do, sun and showers are fast changing. I have asked Schneiderlein to come as I do want to get on with my Russian, so later I shall continue.
Я тебѣ благодарю отъ всего сердца за твое письмо No 89 которое доставило мнѣ большое удовольствіе. Ек. Адольф. была очень довольна когда я ей прочитала изъ твоего письма, и она тебѣ позволаетъ пріѣхать у сюда. Пожалуйста привези только хорошую погоду а то мы скоро утонемъ, дождь не перестаётъ литьсъ утра до вечера. Такъ трудно писать безъ ошибокъ и я бояться. Теперь я могу читать что ты меня раскажетъ. Правда — для тебѣ я всегда все буду дѣлать, и потому что я хочу скоро говорить порусски. Впредь я буду быть внимательніѣ когда я учила но я долженъ думать что быть съ тобою хорошо. "Сколько горкихъ слезъ украдкои я въ ту ночь пролью" когда ты не скоро пріѣдешь. Я не могу жить безъ тебя. Я всегда думаю о тебѣ, я скучно безъ мой дорогой лаусбубъ. Когда будешь ты у насъ. И ты думаешь что я дѣлала успѣхи, но я боюсья (ошибокъ?) Это письмо очень скучно, но я не могу говорить что я хочу, потому что я забываю слова и я пишу теперь адна. Я такъ доволенъ чтобы докторъ могъ уѣхать, и что твои отецъ спитъ лучше. Говори ему много Grüsse обо мнѣ. О Ники, прелесть моё, я ты люблю больше какъ мой жизнь. Когда будешь ты за одно за всегда? Мой возлюбленный (right now?) Я была бы счастлива еслибы у меня мой дорогой Ники, мой душки другъ. Не стичи (?) твоя борода много. Enough! I cannot any more, it goes too slowly and I am afraid of saying impossibilities, and it is so difficult.
The others are playing to-gether and I am resting on the sopha as we are going to the theatre afterwards. At last the sun is shining again. Please excuse such an untidy letter. If it does not bore you too much, tell me my faults. Hang it, all my books have tumbled down. Yr first English verse I know well, I wrote them out for A. Alix after poor Eddy had died. The other lines are sweet. Ever so much as I love yr letters I should prefer having you in my arms and hearing those sweet words from yr lips. I shall finish this to-night. I think you will get it then on yr dear Father's namesday. Will you please give him my very tenderest love and best wishes, blessings I fear I may not send him, but I pray for him.
10th — Good morning dear boysykins, I hope you slept well — one day nearer already to our meeting, oh! that happiest of days when I at last may hold you again in my loving arms.
Well we drove to Darmstadt yesterday evening and returned towards 11. They gave the piece really very well. In the entre acte we had supper with the gentlemen and two of the ladies who had come over from the Wolfsgarten. It is raining again but there are more sunny intervals, in doors it is really cold. I hope a letter will come form you later on as I am greedy you know and never can have enough. When you have got this letter you ought to tie the first 100 to-gether. I wonder how many more 100s I shall have to write till we are quite to-gether in our own little home!
The clergyman who confirmed us and to whom I last year spoke about you when I was in such utter despair and who wrote to me in April is coming over to see me this morning. I honestly dread the meeting tho' I like the man and he has always been kind. When I once have seen and spoken to him it will be better, but I feel rather nervous and don't quite know how to explain all to him.
At Darmstadt just now in these days is the large Versammlung of the Gustav Adolf's Verein and the town swarms of Protestant Clergy. You won't mind my going to the Festspiel this evening will you, but Ernie thought perhaps I better as Victoria is not going. It will be rather peinlich but Wilhelmine Grancy thinks it will please the people. I thought perhaps they might prefer my not going, but Ernie thinks better I should as a Hessian Princess. I'll just see what Pfarrer Sell thinks afterwards. On Wednesday there is the large liturgischer Gottesdienst with singing to wh I want to go, but to-night it won't be quite so easy for me. Gustav Adolf and our Landgraf Philipp der Grossmüthige were such staunch Protestants and fought so for their faith, so I fear painful passages will come, but now that my mind is once made up and my conscience quieted, I need not fear and God will help me, but such things upset me still rather and one must not show it outwardly. Forgive my speaking to you about it, only it does me good to tell someone who loves me and understands me, I think, yes sweety, you know yr bridy now and will help her, won't you — as it is not so easy at first you must be lenient, it will come in time.
But I must say Goodbye now my precious Darling as I must learn still for the old Priest who comes again to-day and Schneiderlein must help me.
With many a tender kiss and fond blessing, I remain my own beloved Nicky dear yr ever very loving, truly devoted own deeply affectionate girly
Alix
Fondest love to all, Miechen too please.
Do you think Weeping Willow would like to read these?
"Hast thou a care whose presence dread Expels sweet slumber from thy bed? To thy Redeemer take that care, And change anxiety to prayer."
"Who loves the Cross and Him who on it died, In every cloud sees Jesus by his side."
"In every trouble look unto the end, And take the Cross to be thy constant friend>"
"Crosses are ladders to Heaven."
"Thou art with me, O my Father In the changing scenes of life, In loneliness of spirit And in weariness of strife. My sufferings, my comfortings, alternate at Thy will, I trust Thee, O, my Father, I trust Thee and am still."
Above: Nicholas and Alix.
Above: Nicholas's father, Tsar Alexander III, with his wife, Empress Marie Feodorovna, formerly Princess Dagmar of Denmark.
Notes: In correct Russian, доволен for a woman is довольна.
I too know all too well the challenge of writing without help in a second or beyond language!
"Я тебѣ благодарю отъ всего сердца за твое письмо No 89 которое доставило мнѣ большое удовольствіе. Ек. Адольф. была очень довольна когда я ей прочитала изъ твоего письма, и она тебѣ позволаетъ пріѣхать у сюда. Пожалуйста привези только хорошую погоду а то мы скоро утонемъ, дождь не перестаётъ литьсъ утра до вечера. Такъ трудно писать безъ ошибокъ и я бояться. Теперь я могу читать что ты меня раскажетъ. Правда — для тебѣ я всегда все буду дѣлать, и потому что я хочу скоро говорить порусски. Впредь я буду быть внимательніѣ когда я учила но я долженъ думать что быть съ тобою хорошо. "Сколько горкихъ слезъ украдкои я въ ту ночь пролью" когда ты не скоро пріѣдешь. Я не могу жить безъ тебя. Я всегда думаю о тебѣ, я скучно безъ мой дорогой лаусбубъ. Когда будешь ты у насъ. И ты думаешь что я дѣлала успѣхи, но я боюсья (ошибокъ?) Это письмо очень скучно, но я не могу говорить что я хочу, потому что я забываю слова и я пишу теперь адна. Я такъ доволенъ чтобы докторъ могъ уѣхать, и что твои отецъ спитъ лучше. Говори ему много Grüsse обо мнѣ. О Ники, прелесть моё, я ты люблю больше какъ мой жизнь. Когда будешь ты за одно за всегда? Мой возлюбленный (right now?) Я была бы счастлива еслибы у меня мой дорогой Ники, мой душки другъ. Не стичи (?) твоя борода много." = "I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your letter No. 89, which gave me great pleasure. Ek. Adolf. was very pleased when I read to her from your letter, and she allows you to come here. Please bring only good weather, otherwise we will soon drown, the rain does not stop pouring from morning to evening. It is so difficult to write without mistakes and I am afraid. Now I can read what you tell me. True, I will always do everything for you, and because I want to speak Russian soon. From now on, I will be careful when I learn, but I must think that it is good to be with you. "How many bitter tears I will furtively shed that night" if you do not arrive soon. I cannot live without you. I think about you all the time, I'm bored without my dear lausbub. When will you be with us? And you think that I made progress, but I'm afraid (mistakes?) This letter is very boring, and I can't say what I want, because I forget the words and I'm writing by myself now. I am so pleased that the doctor can leave, and that your father sleeps better. Give him a lot of greetings from me. Oh Nicky, my love, I love you more than my life. When will you be mine forever? My beloved (right now?) I would be happy if I had my dear Nicky, my darling friend. Don't trim (?) your beard a lot."
Versammlung = Assembly.
Festspiel = Festival.
peinlich = awkward.
liturgischer Gottesdienst = Liturgical Service.
Gustav Adolf (1594-1632) was King of Sweden from 1611 until his death. He is hailed as one of history's greatest military commanders even today and in his day was revered as the saviour of Protestant Germany, and in 1630 he joined his final war, the Thirty Years' War. He was killed on November 6, 1632 at the Battle of Lützen. With Gustav Adolf's death, the new monarch of Sweden was his nearly six year old daughter Kristina (1626-1689; the subject of my main blog!), who as a young adult ultimately and (in)famously went on to voluntarily abdicate the throne, convert to Catholicism — the very faith her father had died fighting against — and spend most of the rest of her life in Rome, where she died at age 62 and is buried. The Swedes in her day and some even today have never forgiven her for abandoning the faith and country her father gave his life for.
Landgraf Philipp der Grossmüthige = Landgrave Philip I "the Magnanimous" of Hesse (1504-1567), a German nobleman and champion of the Protestant Reformation, notable for being one of the most important of the early Protestant rulers in Germany. He was one of the main belligerents in the War of the Katzenelnbogen Succession.
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