Nicholas's letter to Alix, dated December 17/29, 1893

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, pages 310 to 311, by George Hawkins, 2023

https://disk.yandex.com/mail?hash=kuDdHgzAhlj8Vmyce8roYrsV8lLetWtFFyElqTSKDCI%3D%3A

The letter:

Gatchina.

December 17/29 1893.

My dearest Alix,

Please excuse my not having answered your letter sooner, but you may well imagine what a blow it proved to me. I could not write to you all these days on account of the sad state of mind I was in. Now that my restlessness has passed I feel more calm and am able to answer your letter quietly. Let me thank you first of all for the frank and open way in which you spoke to me in that letter! There is nothing worse in the world than things misunderstood and not brought to the point. I knew from the beginning what an obstacle there rose between us and I felt so deeply for you all these years, knowing perfectly the great difficulties you would have had to overcome! But still it is so awfully hard, when you have cherished a dream for many a year and think — now you are near to it's being realized — then suddenly the curtain is drawn and — you see only an empty space and feel oh! so lonely and so beaten down!!

I cannot deny the reasons you give me, dear Alix; but I have got one which is also true: you hardly know the depth of our religion. If you only could have learnt it with somebody, who knows it, and could have read books, where you might see the likeness and difference of the two — perhaps then! it would not have troubled you in the same way as it does now! Your living quite alone without any one's help in such a matter, – is also a sad circumstance in the barrier that apparently stands between us! It is too sad for words to know that that barrier is — religion!

Don't you think, dearest, that the five years, since we know each other, have passed in vain and with no result? Certainly not — for me atleast. And how am I to change my feelings after waiting & wishing for so long, even now after that sad letter you sent me?

I trust in God's mercy; may be it is His will that we both, but you especially, should suffer long — may be after helping us through all these miseries and trials — He will yet guide my darling along the path that I pray daily for!

Oh! do not say 'no' directly, my dearest Alix, do not ruin my life already! Do you think there can exist any happiness in the whole world without you? After having unvolontarily! kept me waiting and.... hoping, can this end in such a way?

Oh! do not get angry with me if I am beginning to say silly things, though I promised in this letter to be calm! Your heart is too kind not to understand what tortures I am going through now.

But I have spoken enough and must end this epistle of mine. Thank you so much for your charming photo. I send you mine here enclosed.

Let me wish, dearest Alix, that the coming Year may bring you peace, happiness, comfort and the fulfillment of your wishes. God bless and protect you!

Ever your loving & devoted

Nicky

Above: Alix.

Above: Nicholas.