Sources:
Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 48 to 50, by George Hawkins, 2023
The letter:
2го/14го Мая. 1894.
No. 12
PALAIS ANITCHKOFF.
ST. PETERSBOURG.
Милая душка Аликс,
Your sweet letter just arrived when I took my pen & the paper to begin to write to my little girly-darling. But who is Christle? Is it your old servant, who used to stand near the door beside the staircase from your room at Coburg? - I think the idea of your arranging the list for the places for dinner yourself, quite delightful; it is perfectly natural that you should at least get the benefit of having an entertaining neighbour at table. I certainly would arrange something of that sort if I were in yr. place!
This morning we came over from Гатчина, & every one in the family grumbles at the thought of spending here in the dusty town a couple of nights. The weather continues to be lovely & bright; the whole nature smiles — ah! if we could only spend these beautiful days out of doors together. — Instead of sitting in our garden we have to go twice a day to the service for poor aunt Katty, whose body has been embalmed & laid in the coffin to-day. We are directly going there again as service begins at 8. and they have transported her to the her own small chapel wh. is in the house. Poor Helen is more quiet now; the two sons also seem to bear their pain calmly. By this time this letter reaches you it will be all over, as the funeral has been fixed to take place on the 4/16 — and the same day we go back. By the by it is aunt Miechen's birthday & I as a real beast forgot to remind you of it in a telegram. But I told her at the family-lunch that you had written to me asking me to congratulate her & then I drank her health from us both — so that is all very well! She was most pleased! We put those biscuits you liked so much at aunt Marie's (this looks like an ear) and that made me think so much of my little girl, when she used to take mine away, though it was meant for her! We have finished our dinner which was at 9.0, after having been at the service for aunt Katty. No! the heat there was madning & all the flowers smelt so strong, my head aches till now. A poor officer who was standing near the coffin, or service, fell flat upon his face, the poor man! and into the midst of all the wreaths; it was great trouble getting at him & pulling him out. Luckily he was not hurt & came recovered his senses in very few minutes! He was awfully shy after that poor fellow! —
2) My room, where I am writing to you from, reminds me oh! in such a way of winter in 1889, of that particular tea and of the game we two played. Especially that corner where you sat on the rocking chair! How little did I imagine then, that everything should end so divinely. "All's well that end's well" — is a true saying. I have only got your photos that I brought from Гатчина & Ella's in her "empire" dress — standing on the table & they bring so vividly back some scenes that happened in a certain room at the Schloss of Coburg. I cannot help marvelling yet how strangely those things turned out in the end. Yes! my own love it is good to have suffered so deeply as then, but I really would not begin again if I had to.
Those talks simply wore me out! After four days had passed away, I assure you I got an inch thinner round the waist, I measured that with my hussar-belt! But when all the troubles were gone, what peace & real happiness settled in my heart. I don't know why that evening when I sat with You, sweet one, before Easter service, has left upon me such a strong impression; & afterwards on coming back to my room what a delightful surprise to find those lines of your's in the owl-copy-book; it was the first time you had written me some of your sweet verses! I remember not being able to go to sleep till 6 o'clock in the morning! My own sweet beloved little girly-dear! I have taken all the unnecessary rubbish off my watch-chain and wear only the little medal Toria gave me with my darling's face inside & the half broken uncle Wladimir brought from Paris. The sweet little cigarette-case and best of all - your ring - are the four objects that never leave me. Oh! and I have forgotten the little Virgin Mary that you also gave me & I have got it on my chain with the cross. I remembered ab0ut it because I am sitting in my japanese nightgown after a nice bath — and just saw the cross peep out! —
But I am afraid I shall have to finish as it is getting late in the night & my own Darling does not like when I sit up too long! Besides I must be up early tomorrow & fly to the regiment. Today all the young took their oath of allegiance. It was a pretty sight! — Good-night my beloved little Alix. Many a tender kiss & thank for all your dear letters. God bless you +.
Ever my love your deeply loving and devoted for life your own
Ники. old Nicky
Halibut's compl. to Madeleine!
Above: Nicholas and Alix.
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