Monday, July 1, 2024

Alix's letter to Nicholas, dated November 20, 1893

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, pages 306 to 308, by George Hawkins, 2023

Written in response to this letter from Nicholas:
Nicholas's reply to this letter:
The letter:

Darmstadt
Nov 20th 1893
Dearest Nicky,
I send you my very best thanks for your dear letter and enclose the photograph you wished to have and which Ella will forward to you. I believe it must have been a stronger will than ours which ordained that we should not meet at Coburg, for like this it gives me the chance to write to you all my innermost feelings wh perhaps on the spur of the moment I might not have said, or that you might have misunderstood me. You know what my feelings are as Ella has told you them already, but I feel it my duty to tell them you myself. I have thought over everything for a long time and I only beg you not to think that I take it lightly for it grieves me terribly and makes me very unhappy. I have tryed to look at it in every light that is possible, but I always return to one thing. I cannot do it against my conscience. You, dear Nicky, who have also such a firm belief will understand me that I think it a sin to change my belief and I would be miserable all the days of my life, knowing that I had done a wrongful thing. I am certain that you would not wish me to change against my conviction. What happiness can come from a marriage wh begins without the real blessing of God. For I feel it a sin to change that belief in wh I have been brought up and wh I love. I should never find my peace of mind again, and like that I should never be able to be your real companion who should help you on in life, for there always would be something between us in my not having the real conviction of the belief I had taken and in regret for the one I had left. It would be acting a lie to you, your Religion and to God. This is my feeling of right and wrong, and one's innermost religious convictions and one's peace of conscience towards God, so before all one's earthly wishes. As all these years have not made it possible for me to change my resolution in acting thus, I feel that now is the moment to tell you again that I can never change my Confession. I am certain that you will understand this clearly and see as I do, that we are only torturing ourselves about something impossible, and it would not be a kindness to let you go on having vain hopes wh will never be realized.
And now Goodbye my darling Nicky and may God bless and protect you.
Ever your loving
Alix


Above: Alix. Photo courtesy of TatianaZ on Flickr.


Above: Nicholas.

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