Source:
Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 45 to 47, by George Hawkins, 2023
The letter:
No. 13
Windsor Castle
May 12th 1894
Милый, дорогой Ники
As I have just a minute to myself I am going to begin my epistle to you. I drove with Granny and Aunt Beatrice. And we took tea at Cumberland Lodge which was very nice. I fear my last letter was very dull and I only hope this one won't be the same.
Georgie and May, Aunt Louise and Uncle Lorne have come for two nights, and there are several strangers coming to Dinner, which I think a great nuisance and not even the young Lord in Waiting to cheer me up — is this not too sad, eh? I feel quite [illegible] and cannot even put on the face you so much like. You old goose, I should like to give you a good... punch, not a kiss, do you hear? I am in a beastly bad humour. I wish the man would not come and light all the candles, it looks as if I were going to give a party. Do you remember how you used to help me putting out my lamps in my little room at Coburg. How I long for those evenings back again — shall we be as dumb when we meet here do you think?
Aunt Marie sent me the photo of us and Caesar, done before the Church, not at all a nice remembrance. How angry we were there, when they dragged us out to be done and just when we had a few minutes only to ourselves before I left. I longed to say such a lot to you, but somehow I could not. The little tear you then gave me is so sweet and I prize it greatly.
May 13th. Good morning sweet One, I have just come from Church, where we heard a most beautiful sermon. It reminded me rather of the old clergy man's at Ernie's wedding. I could have sat there for hours listening to him. I wish I could tell it you all, how that God does not look for the outer form, but for the spirit, the same as people who are devoted to each other do not go by the outer appearance but their hearts, spirits are drawn to each other, that religion is not a thing only in a certain [illegible] or Church but everywhere "God is to be found" that we all have got our duties, sometimes they are only small ones and we think we need not put our whole heart into it and how wrong that is. St John. Chapter IV v 4, that was his text, the woman of Samaria "God is a spirit and they that worship him shall worship him in spirit and truth. As long as we don't understand God's spirit, the laws wh rule nature, we are not his creatures. The spirit of God teaches us how always to draw nearer to him. Taking a decision between right and wrong, your conscience shows it you, it is the spirit within you, that draws you involuntarily to the right, you must not make calculations as to what comes after your decision, but let yr spirit direct you. It is not the decision wh brings you the blessing, but the spirit which you have obeyed in taking it.
Many think that to be near God the places of adoration are where your souls are lifted high above the world by the droning of the organ, the voices rising up in harmony, the momentary inspiration, but the true secret to find God is by the consecration of your whole life and of every little pail of water you must carry on the long and weary road to the well. Christ always does his very, but no matter how small and insignificant the work is, he has to fulfil. He gives his very best teaching to the poor woman of narrow mind conception and narrow, mean surroundings — to her he speaks of the greatest truth, wh. are a secret even for the wise. She sought only for deliverance from her earthly toils and we all how often to get rid of all suffering and worry, this longing of hers he used as a means by which to lead her on to higher vistas of spiritual development. The faithful consecration of our life, doing the smallest duties with all our powers concentrated and with the one wish "to do our very best."
I have tried with Gretchen's help to put down a little of the sermon, but it is almost too difficult and I fear I have not done it clearly, but it can give you some idea at least of what he preached.
This afternoon we are going to St George's Chappel for service and to-day I think the singing will be particularly fine.
Aunt B tried a pair of new ponies to-day and they seemed to go quite nicely, tho' at first they scidadled about. My own sweet One, did our thoughts and prayers meet in Church? How the time flies! Well, I am glad for the one season as it brings the time of our meeting again. My legs are so bad and seem to be swollen again, so I am going to be good and see Dr. Reid — alas, I fear it comes from riding, so I foresee that I shall have to give up that pleasure still for a time — oh, it is such a nuisance and I do enjoy cantering about in this lovely Park so much. The both hands are going to play on the terrace afterwards and then crowds come and listen. I shall listen from the room, as the pleasure of walking is not for me. Oh, Nicky sweet, do you really not get frightened when you think of what a creature is to become your wife, will she not drive you mad? I shall do all in my power to get my legs in order till next year, but it is not so easy, and you who are so fond of walking, oh dear, what can I do?
The post has brought me nothing from you, let's hope to-night a letter may still come, or else I shall be so sad, so sad. Beloved boysy, my thoughts are always with you and I long impatiently for the hour of your arrival. If the weather is fine we must have some fun then/ A. Beatrice was saying that we must go up the river then, wh. would be delightful as I have never done it, and it is said to be so lovely. Sweet one, I must say Goodbye now. God bless you and may his Angels watch over you.
Many a tender kiss
Ever yr deeply loving and devoted little girly
Alix
Above: Nicholas and Alix.
No comments:
Post a Comment