Alix's letter to Nicholas, dated May 6 (New Style), 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 21 to 23, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

No. 5
Windsor Castle, May 6th 1894
Дорогой, милый Ники,
Здравствуйте! I have just come back from service, we had lovely singing and a fine sermon. I prayed most earnestly for my darling. I wish you had been there, I think you would like the English service, the prayers are to beautiful and elevating.

This moment a letter has come from Aunt Alix, full of yr praise and so kind. She wants me to go with them to Sandringham from Saturday to Monday — whether Granny can spare me I don't know as she does not care for our going on visits whilst one is living with her. I shall ask her afterwards. I would much rather have waited and gone with you, it wld have been less shy work as they have always a large party, into wh I so little belong. I forgot to say yesterday that foolish Georgie says I am to insist upon yr wearing high heals and that I am to have quite low ones. May, he says won't change hers, but he wears much higher ones — at first they had been uncomfortable but now he did not mind it any more. I can see yr face when you read this — really so mad! As if the highth made any difference, and a gentleman with high heals looks too absurd and I am sure you would never do it.

Granny is alas very lame to-day, wh depresses her, poor dear. Darling you will be able to get leave sometimes, so as that we can come and see her, as who knows how long we may still have her in our midst and it makes her so unhappy thinking me so far away, as we all have been so constantly here, and she has always been a second mother to us, and treated us more as her own children, not like Grandchildren. It is too awful when I think anything may happen to her — then the whole family wld more or less separate and it wld never be the same again — the head wld be missing, round whom all used to collect. God grant that she may be spared to us still many years.

I must dress now as I am to go out with her and Aunt. I shall probably only follow the carriage a bit as it goes to fast for me now with my rotten old legs.

Me come back again. Granny won't spare me, I am not to go, she has the first right to me and it is the last time and she does not think it good I should go if they have a large party and without you. She seems not to wish me to go there, even not whilst she is at Balmoral. I am to see her in London she says. I am also not to go to Ascot races without you, it wld not be proper, well, honestly, I much prefer not going to the latter.

Last night Aunt B and I played to Granny some things of Grieg wh she liked. Thora, the snipe, is coming this afternoon and I want her to go to Church with me.

I have had such idiotical dreams, I who usually never dream, that it was a mistake, that I was not engaged to you, tho' I loved you awfully, but to your Uncle Alexei, you and I were always to-gether, skating, and I was in despair as I only cared for you and I did not know how to get out of it — too absurd. I was completely confused when I woke up in the morning. It is warm and windy. I hope the post will bring me a letter to-morrow as they take to long coming from Russia and I am longing for news.

Many tender kisses, sweetest One, and bless you. I am yearning for you. The bells chime so beautifully here, I wish they could ring over to you.

I have just seen Dr. Reid and he is going to give me a nerve tonic and I am to take what my Dr told me too. My pulse ought to be stronger. I shall be good and do all I am told as I must get my legs in order, for all the standing. I do wonder when I shall get your first letter from home.

"La vie est un sommeil, l'amoue en est le rêve, et vous avez vécu, si vous avez aimé."

Now my own precious One, I must say Goodbye. Many a tender kiss do I press here for my Pet. God bless and protect you my Own beloved One, my Nicky sweet.
Ever yr deeply loving and devoted little Girl
Alix

Above: Nicholas and Alix.

Above: Queen Victoria.

Notes: "Дорогой, милый Ники, здравствуйте!" = "Dear, darling Nicky, hello!".

Thora = Princess Helena Victoria of Schleswig-Holstein (1870-1948), daughter of Princess Helena and Prince Christian. Cousin of Alix.

"La vie est un sommeil, l'amoue en est le rêve, et vous avez vécu, si vous avez aimé." = "Life is a sleep, love is its dream, and you have lived, if you have loved."