Source:
The letter:
Everything can be endured if you feel His presence and love and if you believe in Him steadfastly in everything. Severe trials are helpful — they prepare us for the other life, for the distant journey. It is easier to bear one's own sufferings than to see the woe of others without it being possible to help them. I am reading the New and Old Testament extensively, as I must prepare for lessons with the children; it is a great comfort after that to read everything with them — it provides, in fact, our spiritual sustenance. And everytime you find a new and better understanding. I have many such good books, and I always copy out from them. There is no falsehood in them. Did you ever read the letters of St. John Chyrsostom to the Deaconess Olympiada? I started to read them again now. There is such profundity in them, surely you would like them. My excellent books help me very much. I find in them answers to many things. They give strength, consolation, especially for my lessons with the children. The children understand deeply — the soul grows in sorrow. You yourself know this. Tomorrow at noon is a molieben. Tatiana will already be twenty. They are well, thank God. One must ever thank God for all that He gives, and even if He took it away, then perhaps, when one endures without a murmur, all will be even brighter. One must always hope. The Lord is so great, and one needs only to pray to ask Him unceasingly to save our dear homeland. It has quickly, frighteningly begun to collapse in such a short time. But then, when everything seems bad, that worse cannot be. He will show His mercy and will save everything. How and when is known to Him alone... Although there is darkness and gloom now, the sun is shining brightly in nature and provides hope for something better.
You see, we have not lost our faith, and I hope we never will. It alone provides strength, the steadfastness of spirit, to endure all. And one must be grateful for everything, for it could be much worse... Isn't that so?
For now we are alive and together, a small, tightly-knit family. And they, why did they want to separate us?** Thus, you see how the Lord is great. We even spend our time in the garden. But remember those others, O God, how we suffer for them, for what they, innocent ones, are living through... They will receive crowns from the Lord. One wants to kneel before them for what they suffer on our behalf, but we cannot help them, not even with a word. This is the most burdensome of all. We grieve for them, but yet for them too, I firmly believe, there will be something greater also while here on earth. Already their health will never be what it was, but their souls are growing, and He will provide the strength to carry the cross. There are those who find it difficult there without mother, but her faith will save her. I cannot remember without tears. But she knows (wherever she may be) my soul is with her, and those who truly love me ought to remember this, lest our separation be unbearable. To be thus without news is so distressing, so burdensome.
You are surprised that suddenly I write so candidly, but this letter will not go by mail — I am less shy of new commandant. We visited him several times in the Liazonov Hospital, took photographs together, so that there is a very different feeling and then he is a true soldier.*** At that I do not envy him — it must be very difficult for him. But God will reward his every kindness; you see, God helped again. All the same it feels different now that he is our superior and censor. Previous to this he too had suffered. My mind is somewhat weary — today I wrote much to others, and soon it will be time for lessons. It is time to go. May the Lord bless and keep you on all your paths, and may He give you inner peace and tranquility.
Most heartfelt regards.
Your sister. **** May 28, Tsarskoye Selo 1917
Above: Alexandra.
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