Source:
A Lifelong Passion, letters and diary entries compiled by Andrei Maylunas and Sergei Mironenko
The letter:
My little childy,
Ever such loving thanks for your letter. I had long ago noticed that you were sad, but did not ask because one does not like it when others ask. Certainly, coming home to lessons (which are inevitable) after your long holidays and gay life with relations and merry young people is not easy.
Then loving your old Mama who is always ill does not make life bright for you poor children. It is my great sorrow not to be able to be more with you all, and to read and shout and play together — but we must bear all. He has sent His cross which must be borne. I know it's dull having an invalid mother, but it teaches you all to be loving and gentle. Only try to be more obedient, then you make it easier for me, and you show the little ones a good example.
I know well your feelings for poor little one.
Try not to let your thoughts dwell too much on him, that's what our Friend said.
You see, others might see your looks when you are with him and speak unkindly. Now that you are a big girl, you must always be more careful and not show those feelings. One must not let others see what one feels inside, when one knows it's considered not proper.
I know he likes you as a little sister and would like to help you not to care too much, because he knows you, a little Grand Duchess, must not care for him so. Deary, I can't write all, it takes too long and I am not alone.
Be brave and cheer up and don't let your thoughts dwell too much upon him. It's not good and makes you yet more sad. Had I been well I should have tried to amuse and cheer you up, so all would have been easier — but it's not so and nothing can be done. God will help you. Cheer up, little one — try to be good and don't think yourself horrid.
God bless you. A big kiss from your very own old,
Mama +
Above: Alexandra and the children with Rasputin and a maid. "Our Friend" was the name Alexandra used to refer to him.
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