Alexandra's letter to Nicholas, dated October 3, 1915, and Nicholas's telegram, dated October 3, 1915

Sources:

Letters of the Tsaritsa to the Tsar, 1914-1916, published by Duckworth & Co., 1923

https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/pt?id=inu.30000011396573&view=1up&seq=237&skin=2021

https://www.alexanderpalace.org/letters/october15.html

The letter:

No. 132.
Tsarskoje Selo, Oct. 3-rd 1915
My own beloved Darling,
A gloriously bright, sunny day — 2 degr. of frost in the night. What a pitty, nothing is written in the papers about your having seen the troops — I hope it will appear to-morrow. It is necessary to print all such things without mentioning of course what troops you saw. — Am eagerly awaiting details how it all was.

So silly, in Moscou they want to give Samarin an address when he returns fr. the country — it seems that horror Vostokov has sent him a telegram in the name of his two "jlocks", Moscou & Kolomna — so the dear little Makari wrote to the Consistory to insist upon a copy of Vostokov's telegram to Samarin & to know what gave him the right to forward such a telegr. — how good, if the little Metropolitan can get rid of Vostokov, its high time, he does endless harm & its he who leads Samarin. Moscou is in a rotten state, but God grant nothing at all will be — but they need feeling yr. displeasure. — Sweetheart, me misses you very, very much, I want your kisses, I want to hear your dear voice & gaze into your eyes. —

Thanks ever so much for yr. telegram — well Baby must have been pleased that he was present at the review. How cosy yr. beds must be in the same room. And a nice drive too. — I always give over by telephone all you write to Vladimir Nikolaievitch.

This morning I went in to the little Boy — he is fast sinking & the quiet end may come this evening. — I spoke with his poor mother & she was so brave & understood all so rightly.

Then we worked in the hospital & Vladimir Nikolaievitch made an injection to the new officer — probably to-morrow will be the operation.

Pss. Gedroitz has 39 & feels so ill — eresypelis in the head one fears, so she begged Derevenko to replace her for serious operations. Nastinka lunched, then I received generals Prince Tumanov, Pavlov, Benkendorf, Isa. The inauguration of the Winter-Palace hospital can only be on the 10-th as the red cross has not brought the beds etc. yet — our part is done — so you see I better keep quiet after that ceremony (& Bekker no doubt) & the 11 & 12 — if so, then I would be at Moghilev 15-th morning at 9 if that suits you? Thats a Thursday, just 2 weeks fr. the day you left. You let me know. That means I am the 13-th at Tver, 14-th other places nearing you. — A lovely bright morn, its 10 minutes past 5 & becoming rather dark, we took tea after a drive to Pavlovsk, so cold — the little ones are trying on & the big ones have gone to clean the instruments in our hospital. At 6½ we go to the evening service in our new little Church. —

In the evening we see our Friend at Ania's to bid goodbye. He begs you very much to send a telegram to the King of Servia, as he is very anxious that Bulgaria will finish them off — so I enclose the paper again for you to use it for yr. telegram — the sense in yr. words & shorter of course reminding them of their Saints & so on. — Make Baby show you Peter Vassilievitch envelope, its sweet. I shall also address my letter separatly to him, he will feel prouder. Derevenko has got our presents for him & can arrange them in the bedroom before your dinner. — Wonder, how you will feast the Convoy.

Now I must end my letter, Sweetheart. God bless & protect you & the holy Virgin guard you from all harm. Every goodwish for our sweet Sunbeam's Namesday.

I kiss you without end & hold you tightly clasped to my old heart wh. yearns for you ever, Nicky sweet, yr. very own wify
Alix.

Nicholas's telegram:

Telegram. Stavka. 3 October, 1915.
Hearty thanks for dear letter sent by courier. Of course the Little One was present at yesterday's magnificent review and was very pleased. We arrived during the night, left the train at 10 in the morning, and have settled down quite cosily. Clear but cold. We went for a walk in the wood. Both embrace you closely.
NICKY.

Above: Nicholas and Alexandra with Alexei.

Notes: Madame Becker was a euphemism that Alexandra and her daughters used to refer to their menstrual periods.

Alexandra almost always referred to Grigori Rasputin as "our Friend".

Servia = the old name for Serbia.

Alexandra's letter to Nicholas, dated October 2, 1915, and Nicholas's telegram, dated October 2, 1915

Sources:

Letters of the Tsaritsa to the Tsar, 1914-1916, published by Duckworth & Co., 1923

https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/pt?id=inu.30000011396573&view=1up&seq=236&skin=2021

https://www.alexanderpalace.org/letters/october15.html

The letter:

No. 131.
Tsarskoje Selo, Oct. 2-th 1915
My own beloved Sweetheart,
Goodmorning my precious ones, how did you sleep, I wonder! I did not very well its always so when you are away, Lovy mine. So strange to read in the papers, that you & Baby have left for the front. I am sure you felt cosy sitting & playing with Baby, not this perpetual loneliness; for N. P. I am too glad, as he feels lonely there often, none are such particular friends, tho' he likes most of them & they get on splendidly but he misses us all — & now Alexei being there, it will warm him up & he will feel you nearer to him too. Mr. Gilliard will enjoy all & he can speak with the French. — You did have such hard work here, that I am glad it is over now, more or less, & you see the troops to-day!
Oh, how pleased I am, the heart of a soldier's daughter & soldier's wife rejoices for you — & I wish I were with you to see the faces of those brave fellows when they see for whom & with whom they go out to fight. I hope you can take Alexei with you. — The impression will remain for his w[h]ole life & theirs.

Oh how I miss you both! The hour for his prayer, I must say I broke down, so hurried off into my room & said all his prayers in case he should forget to say them. — Please, ask him whether he remembers them daily. — What will it be to you when I fetch him! You must go off too somewhere, not to remain alone. — It seems to me as tho' you were already gone ages ago, such yearning after you — I miss you, my own Angel, more than I can say. — I went to A. this morning & took her to Znamenia & the big Palaces fr. whence she left for town, & I went to the poor boy — he had recognised nobody & not been able to speak, but me he did at once & even spoke a little. From there I went to our hospital. Two new officers have come. The one poor fellow has the ball or splinter in his eye — the other deep in his lungs & a fragment probably in the stomach — he has such a strong internal hemorrhage wh. has completely pushed his heart to the right side so that one clearly sees it beat, hear his right niple. Its a very serious case, & probably he must be operated to-morrow — his pulse is 140 & he is awfully weak, the eyeballs so yellow, the stomach blown up — it will be an anguishing operation. — After luncheon we received 4 new Alexandrovtsi just promoted going off to the war — 2 Elisavetgradtsi & 4 Vosnesentsi? — 4 wounded & Arseniev's son. Then we drove, eat a pear & apple — & went to the cemetry to have a look at our wee temporary Church for our dead heroes. From there to the big Palace to a Te Deum before the Image of the Virgin, wh. I had told them to bring fr. Znamenia it passed through all the wards — it was nice. —

After tea I saw Russin & gave him letters for Victoria & Toria — then Ressin about our journey — only what date to settle, because of Bekker, wh. spoils everything. — Got your telegram at 5½ & we all enjoyed it, thank God you saw the troops, but you do not mention whether — Tiny accompanied you. — Wont you let the soldiers, wh. stand now at Moghilev, show you some exercises & then they can see Baby. His having gone to the army will also bring its blessing our Friend told Ania; even agoo wee one helps. He is furious with the way people go on in Moscou. — There, the Pss. of the Palace has already sent her first perfumed letter so I forward it to you. Personally I think she ought not to ask for him — what wld. it look like, both Paul's sons living lazily, comfortably at the Headquarters, whilst their comrades shed their blood as heroes.

I shall send you the boy's pretty verses to-morrow. If I were you, I should tell Paul about this letter, even show it to him, & explain that its too early to call him back — its bad enough one son not being out at the front & it would harm the boy in the regiment, I assure you; — after a bit of service he can be perhaps given a place as courier of one of the Generals, but not yet, I find. I understand her Mother's heart bleeding — but she must not spoil the boy's career — dont speak to Dmitri about it. — I must now write to Miechen & Aunt Olga, so to speak to invite them to the consecration of our microscopic Church — officially I cant, as the Church is too small, but if I don't, Miechen is sure to be offended. The Pavlovsk family (ladies) I must then too, as their soldiers are buried on our ground. —
Goodbye my Love, sweetest One, Beloved — I bless & kiss you without end.
Ever yr. very own old
Wify.

Khvostov has asked to see me after the 5-th. —

Nicholas's telegram:

Telegram. Rejitza. 2 October, 1915.
Thanks for news. I had the great joy to-day of seeing the wonderful 21st Corps. The weather is splendid, sunny. In thought I am with you and the children. We are now on our way to Mogilev. Alexey and I kiss you all fondly.
NICKY.

Above: Nicholas and Alexandra with Alexei. Photo courtesy of Ilya Grigoryev at lastromanovs on VK.

Note: Madame Becker was a euphemism that Alexandra and her daughters used to refer to their menstrual periods.

Alexandra almost always referred to Grigori Rasputin as "our Friend".

Alexandra's second letter to Nicholas, dated October 1, 1915

Source:

Letters of the Tsaritsa to the Tsar, 1914-1916, published by Duckworth & Co., 1923

https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/pt?id=inu.30000011396573&view=1up&seq=235&skin=2021

The letter:

No. 130.
Tsarskoje Selo, Oct. 1-st 1915
Sweet precious One,
It seems a messenger leaves this evening, so I profit to send you a word. Well there we are again separated — but I hope it will be easier for you whilst Sunbeam is near you — he will bring life into your house & cheer you up. How happy he was to go, with what excitement he has been awaiting this great moment to travel with you alone. I was afraid he might be sad, as when we left for the south to meet you in Dec. he cried at the station, but no, he was happy. Tatiana & I felt very hard to be brave — you dont know what it is to be without you & the wee one. I just looked at my little book & saw with despair that I shall... the 10-th... to travel & inspect hospitals the two first days I really cant, as otherwise shall get again one of my raging headaches — is it not too stupid! —

We drove this afternoon to Pavlovsk — the air was very autumnal — then we went into Znamenia & placed candles & I prayed hard for my darlings. Hereafter Ania read to me. After tea I saw Isa & then I went to the poor boy he has changed, a good deal since yesterday. I stroked his head a while & then he woke up — I said you & Alexei sent messages wh. delighted him & he thanked so much — then went to sleep again — that was the first time he had spoken to-day. My consolation when I feel very down & wretched is to go to the very ill & try & bring them a ray of light & love — so much suffering one has to go through in this year, it wears one out.

So Kira went with you, thats good & just — may he only not be stupid & sleep. Do so hope you can manage to see some troops to-morrow. Sweet Huzy mine, I kiss & bless you without end & long for your caresses — the heart is so heavy. God be with you & help you evermore. Very tenderest, fondest kisses, sweet Beloved, fr. yr. very own
Wify.

Sleep well, dream of old Sunny. —

I hope Paul will be allright & not fidgety. Did the little Admiral answer you?

Above: Nicholas and Alexandra. Photo courtesy of Ilya Grigoryev at lastromanovs on VK.

Above: Alexandra with Alexei.

Alexandra's letter to Nicholas, dated October 1, 1915, and Nicholas's telegram, dated October 1, 1915

Sources:

Letters of the Tsaritsa to the Tsar, 1914-1916, published by Duckworth & Co., 1923

https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/pt?id=inu.30000011396573&view=1up&seq=234&skin=2021

https://www.alexanderpalace.org/letters/october15.html

The letter:

No. 129.
Tsarskoje Selo, October 1-st 1915
My own Beloved,
You will read these lines when the train has already carried you from us. This time you can part with a quieter heart, things, God blessed, are going better — exteriorly as interiorly our Friend is here to bless your journey. The holy feast of Pokrov may it shed its blessings upon our troops and bring us victories and the holy Virgin spread her mantle over your whole country. —

Its always the same pain to see you leave & now Baby too for the first time in his life, its not easy, its awfully hard. But for you I rejoice, at least you wont be quite alone & wont agoo wee one be proud to travel with you without any of us women near him. Quite a big boy. I am sure the troops will rejoice, when the news reaches them that he is with you — our officers in the hospital were enchanted. If you see troops beyond Pskov, please, take him also in the motor, — awfully much hope you can see some no matter how few, but it will already create joy & contentment. Wire a word from Pskov about your plans, so that I can follow you in thoughts & prayers.

Lovy my Soul! Oh how hard it is to let you go each time, tho' now I have got the hope to see you soon, but it will make you sad as I come to fetch Alexei — but not before 10 days, I suppose. —

Its so lonely without Your caresses wh. mean everything to me — ah how me loves oo, "better better every day, with unending true devotion, deeper than I can say". But these days have been awfully tiring for you & the last evening we could not even spend quietly together — its sad. — See that Tiny does not tire himself on the stairs, I regret that he does not sleep near you in the train — but at Moghilew it will be cosy — it is not necessary — even, too touching & sweet. I hope you will like my photo of Baby in the frame. Derevenko has got our presents for Baby — the tipe writing mashene he gets here & a big game when he returns — a bag in train. You will give him some writing paper & a silver bowl to have near his bed when he eats fruits in the evening, instead of a china saucer. — Ask him from time to time whether he says his prayers properly, please Deary. — Sweet One, I love you & wish I could never be parted from you & share everything with you. — Oh the joy it was having you here, my Sunshine, I shall feed on the remembrances. — Sleep well huzy, wify is ever near you, with & in you. When you remember the picture books think of old wify for ever & ever. —

God bless you & protect you, guard & guide you.
Ever Your very own old
Sunny.

I bless you.

I kiss & caress every tenderly beloved place & gaze into your deep, sweet eyes wh. long ago conquered me completely.

Love ever grows. —

Nicholas's telegram:

Telegram. Pskov. 1 October, 1915.
Hearty thanks for dear telegram. — We miss you greatly. I sat with Alexey, played various games, walked about on the stations. I have just had dinner with Marie and the Generals. To-morrow I shall inspect the troops further on. Good-night. Sleep well...

Above: Nicholas and Alexandra with Alexei.

Note: Alexandra almost always referred to Grigori Rasputin as "our Friend".

Alix's letter to Nicholas, written May 10 and 11 (New Style), 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 36 to 38, by George Hawkins, 2023

The 1,500th post to this blog!

The letter:

No 10

Buckingham Palace

May 10th 1894

My own precious Nicky,

Tho' I have only just written to you, I am sitting down to scrible again, but this letter will only leave to-morrow. I am alone, Christle has gone to his room and Thora is dressing for a dinner to wh she is going to-night, but as we only dine so late, I think the best way of filling up my time is by sitting in a comfortable armchair with the lamp close to me, chattering to you. No, you cannot imagine how it poured when we were out driving, the 2 poor gentlemen who had to ride next to the carriage looked like drowned rats, it reminded me of the day of the wedding, our drive back from the Rosenau. I am sure you remember my beautiful aspect when I afterwards turned up for tea — Sandra's red cap, a red, wet face and blue frozen hands, from driving Caesar without gloves on. You know you deserve a good scolding for remaining up so late at night, tho' it touches me deeply you do it as to write to the old owl, but still I wish you would not — it is not good. Don't think I am preaching because I myself like doing the same, but it is surely a bad habit to get into and one cannot cure oneself of it so quickly later. I want my Darling to look well when he comes here and not thin and pale as I alas have seen him look.

I wish I could remain quietly up here instead of going to Dinner, it is so quiet and peaceful here and I have been trotting about all day long and am rather ramolie in consequence. I pity my neighbours to-night, they will find me more idiotic than ever. Christle brought in rather an extraordinary part of his garments, to have them [illegible] by his sister's maid. Whenever anyone knocked, he died of fright, lest it should be Gretchen who would have been too terribly shocked. Really, boys are funny creatures, well, men I ought to say as he is getting on for 30. But now I must go and dress. Good night my Boysy, sleep well, and may your Guardian angel keep watch over you, my own true love.

It is getting on for 12 and I am sitting in my bedroom in a décolté gown with no jewels on and my hair all down. I look raving mad, but Madeleine has gone to see some friends who seem to have kept her rather long and my gown is laced and pinned and tied at the back so that I cannot possibly undo it alone and am as helpless as a Baby. Well, Dinner was nice, only I have neuralgia in the one side of my face wh is idiotic, but a night's rest will take it away. A. Beatrice forgot to write the sitting list, so Christle and I being the ones in the house had to arrange it, but I think all were satisfied. Naughty Cousins teazed me so, for sitting went to the nice, young Lord in Waiting, and said I had on purpose arranged it so and they thought it too bad that as I did not go to parties, I chattered with young men, too wicked of them. Why should I not choose an amusing neighbour, and as he was the best of the Gentlemen and I the second last lady, we had to sit next to each other. You don't mind that, I am sure, you know yr old Owl does not flirt, one can talk and laugh without doing that, can't one?

Just before Dinner, I received your sweet letter. Bless you for it my Boysy. You cannot think how intensely happy I am to hear from you. I do not understand why you don't get a letter from me, as I write every day. Please thank dear Xenia for her charming letter. Don't let us speak yet about my coming, tho' I should so much like to see your Parents. I honestly would rather not go. To travel there without Ernie would be so unpleasant, belong to him still in one way, don't I, tho' you have got me quite in another [illegible]. Don't make me travel so far again. I feel Imust write you all I feel and you will understand me, my own precious love, won't you? Toria spoke so much about you again, how fond she is of you. I am sure you must also be very devoted to her, dear girl. It is such a pleasure like that hearing so much about you, as otherwise I have no one to speak about you too — she knows you best. She is going to lend me some books your dear old Priest gave her. I do wish I could see more of her, and hear like that more about my love. She wore the lovely bracelet you have her. I am glad you have had such a friend all these years and I hope I will never stand in the way of your friendship — friendship is such a lovely rare thing that one must not loose it for anything. "Freundschaft macht die Menschen Gottes Engeln gleich etc." What a noble, fine, utterly unselfish character hers is. Anyone whom you love is doubly dear to me, for they must be worth loving if you care for them.

But now, I really must be off to bed. Good night again. God bless you. "Almighty and ever lasting God, give unto us the increase of faith, hope and charity, and that we may obtain that which thou dost promise, make us to love that which thou dost command, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen." "He will give His Angels charge over thee to keep thee in all His ways." "Gracious is the Lord and righteous, yea, our God is merciful. I was in misery, and He helped me." "Let us be content, we do not know what is good for us, and God does." God bless you, Nicky dear.

Goodmorning my own sweet one. I hope you slept well and had no fight with hats. Thora, Sandra, Gretchen and I went to a picture gallery, but I was greatly disappointed. There was nothing of interest to be seen, then we drove through the Park. There is an exhibition of English silks going on here, and Grdmama allowed me to choose two pieces for dresses she will give me for my wedding. One is white with little coloured flowers and silver line twisted in and out, and the other a greyish white with pinkish red japonica. I took it immediately, as it reminded me the most of our flower, only that is a prunus something.

It is finer to-day, and this morning the sun shone. Aunt B is remaining here for the Theatre, so Granny and I will return all alone to Windsor. I can well imagine that her letter was a difficulty to decypher.

But I must be off.

Ever, beloved Nicky mine, yr own true little Bride

Alix

Above: Nicholas and Alix. Photo courtesy of TatianaZ on Flickr.

Notes: ramolie = exhausted.

"Freundschaft macht die Menschen Gottes Engeln gleich etc." = "Friendship makes men like God's angels etc."

Alix's letter to Nicholas, dated May 9 (New Style), 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 30 to 31, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

No. 8

Buckingham Palace

May 9th 1894

Дорогой Ники,

I am writing rot, because Thora Holstein is sitting near me and knitting and chattering like a magpie, and then I am expected to write decently. I have just come back from a visit to Aunt Alix and Cousins. How charmingly they have arranged their rooms, lots of photos of my Darling, wh make me quite jealous. I saw the room in wh you lived. I wish we could stop there a few days to-gether, what fun we might have. What tears Toria and Maud are, it is so sad I see so very little of them — if we could only get Toria to Russia — what a devoted friend she is to you, dear Child.

It is pouring so I hope Granny won't drive as it would make me sick sitting backwards in a shut carriage.

Thora is killing and makes impossible remarks. She thinks "Hetschendorf" man charming, so it's not only me you see. You old goose, well, I was one too, why, Weeping Willow's birthday is only to-day, how cld I be such a donkey as to think it was on the 7th. I think I am getting ramolie, you'd better come and wake your old owl up a bit. Oh, sweety, how I long for you, daily more and more if it is possible, if you only knew how I adore you, my Darling, my own sweet Boysy dear.

Granny is actually going out driving so I must fly. I shall get sick.

At last back again, nearly chocked swallowing hot tea, tore up 38 steps, am panting for breath. It poured in deluges and when we came home the sun shone. Now I must rush and dress for supper and theatre — really it is killing and I live quite at the top of this immense palace.

I am greedy, I want another letter from you, my sweetheart. Sweet Boysy. Thora has made me roar — in one of the papers was written that we had loved each other for five years, but had been too shy to tell it each other — is it not sweet. Oh, how happy I am in your love, my Nicky sweet. I long to fly to you and hide myself in your arms and look at those lovely, gentle eyes. To-morrow I will write more, now I have no time, it is too tiresome, but I am hunted from one place to the other. A good long kiss and tender blessing.

Ever yr own truly loving little girly

Alix

Thora sends you her love.

Above: Nicholas and Alix.

Notes: "Дорогой Ники" = "Dear Nicky"

ramolie = exhausted.

Alix's letter to Nicholas, dated May 8 (New Style), 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 24 to 27, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

No. 7

Windsor Castle

May 8th 1894

My милый, дорогой Ники,

Здравствуйте! I am just back from breakfast with Grandmama. Aunt Vicky sent a long letter of Sophie's — poor things, it must be too terrible in Greece, these incessant shocks. She said what had made such a curious impression when on Good Friday night the procession in the streets with the carpet and candles, all sang out Lord have mercy on us! No really it must be too fearful for words living in the constant dread of being shattered to atoms. It is as tho' they were being punished for some great sin, one cannot understand it. But God knows best why He is inflicting them with this misfortune and tho' we seem to think it cruel, what sorrows this life does bring and what great trials, how difficult to bear them patiently, and then again we are not half grateful enough for the joys this life brings us. Darling, I am sure these five years have been good for both of us, I only know they have made me think of God far more than I did before. Suffering always draws one nearer to God, does it not, and when we think of what Jesus Christ had to bear for us, how little and small our sorrows seem in comparison and yet we fret and grumble and are not patient as He was.

Oh my love, I wish I had you always by my side, how you might help me and teach me to be a better creature — I am not half worthy of you. I have still so much to learn, that is why I also say, do not let us marry just yet, tho' separation is hard, it is better not to hurry. And think only of the Religious question, you cannot expect me to know and understand it all immediately and to know a thing only half, is not right, and I must know the language a bit, so as to be able to follow the services a little.

To-day Georgie's answer came but sent to Aunt Alix, as I had simply signed Alix, he of course did not think of me.

Well the Staals dined last night and were most amiable and the Italian Ambassador and wife. He had been long ago in St Petersburg and his wife is Russian — good heavens how she chattered, one did not know any more where one's head was. We eat white bait and I longed to send you my plate, flying over the sea. I have got a large thing to burn and paint for Granny's Birthday on May 24th and I don't know how to get it done as I have had as yet absolutely no time and my legs ache fiendishly. Now Louise Aribert has telegraphed to her Parents that she is coming to them on the 25th so there is no room for me. I am sorry as it would have been nice, but perhaps Granny will allow me to go earlier for four days.

Still no news of Frl. Schneider. I wish Ella would let me know. I have been for 10 minutes with Gretchen — it is close and yet windy, not enjoyable weather. Oh, I do so long for a letter from you, they take such ages to come. I wonder if you have very much to do, my old, sweet thing. The ink is so watery that one makes blotches perpetually, too dirty, o tho' [illegible].

Aunt Alix and the 2 girls are coming to luncheon — poor Victoria — God bless her and may He some day make her happy, she deserves it, the dear Child, and little Maudy too. When one is happy, one longs to see others also joyous and grieves one cannot do anything for them — don't you too?

Some German lines I think so pretty, and which are set to music by F. Liszt.

"Es muss ein Wunderbares sein

Ums Lieben zweier Seelen,

Sich schliessen ganz einander ein,

Sich nie ein Wort verhehlen,

Und Freud und Leid und Glück und Not

So mit einander tragen;

Vom ersten Kuss bis in den Tod

Sich nur von Liebe sagen."

This moment I received your sweet letter, for which very fondest thanks and many a loving kiss. You cannot think how intensely happy it has made me, and that your Parents have agreed. Oh, you sweet boy, my own, my precious darling, my Nicky dear. I feel another being since your letter has come and all the dear words and little flower. God bless you my love.

You naughty thing, how dare you say that about the sly look and the house on the left!!!! Be ashamed of yourself, I wish I were there to pinch you for it.

The monogram on your paper does for me A H Hessen. This monogram I have stamped on the papers with a thing that belonged to darling Mama, that is why it has got the English crown.

I can see all the people running in to your room, how happy they must be to have you back again and how you must rejoice being home again — home, "there is no place like home" how true it is — and then to think that it is some day to also be the old owl's, I can scarcely believe it.

Aunt Alix and the three girls have left again, they were very dear, especially Victoria. She is going to write to you. They dine on Thursday at Buckingham Palace so I shall see them there. They are greatly looking forward to seeing you — how they all love you, well, I think I can understand it — you old beast, you make a rumpus in our heart.

The wind is howling and the grey clouds are collecting to-gether, so I fear we shall be douched out driving with Granny.

No, I am so happy with your angelical letter and only wish I could write such nice ones. And you all take nice walks to-gether, the whole happy family. Yes, indeed, I miss the inevitable Rosenau so much, tho' we grumbled then, now I look back upon those afternoons and long for them again.

Sweet Boy, I must say goodbye now, with many a tender kiss and fond blessing, I remain

Ever yr deeply devoted little girly

Alix

To-morrow we are off to London so my next letter will be from there — how I shall rejoice if the postman brings me a letter every day, or is it expecting too much!

Above: Nicholas and Alix.

Notes: "My милый, дорогой Ники, здравствуйте!" = "My dear, sweet Nicky, hello!".

"Es muss ein Wunderbares sein

Ums Lieben zweier Seelen,

Sich schliessen ganz einander ein,

Sich nie ein Wort verhehlen,

Und Freud und Leid und Glück und Not

So mit einander tragen;

Vom ersten Kuss bis in den Tod

Sich nur von Liebe sagen." =

"How woundrous it must be

When two souls love each other,

Locking each other wholly in,

Never concealing a single word,

And sharing with each other

Joy and sorrow, weal and woe;

Talking only of love

From the first kiss unto death."

(Translation by Richard Stokes, author of The Book of Lieder (Faber, 2005).

Alix's letter to Nicholas, dated May 7 (New Style), 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 23 to 24, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

No. 6

Windsor Castle

May 7th 1894

My love,

A tender kiss and fondest thanks for you[r] dear note I received this morning. How very long it took coming from the frontier. It was sweet of you writing from there, as you must have been rather exhausted after the heat.

This morning, I drove with Gretchen to Cumberland Lodge to see Aunt Helena, snipe and family. I drove two ponies — if only we may be allowed to drive to-gether, but I doubt it very much indeed as Granny is very old fashioned about engaged people and most particular.

It is warmer and sunny but high wind at the same time. Victoria and Louis have left again for Walton, and Liko to Cowes for his health. I have still not yet heard anything about Frl. Schneider and am anxious to know when she is coming.

There is a "charming" "young" Lord Waiting here and he seems to like to speak to the owl. Think of our Coburg young R. Do you order me to make myself available with him, or wld Granny — you be shocked and offended? Eh? You great goose. I fear you know you are safe with yr Spitzbub, and so she cannot teaze you. I do so long for you, but it will be a little comfort when I hear oftener from you.

To-night the Staals are coming and an other ambassador and the Cumberland Lodge family. Last night young Arthur Hardinge dined. His sister is Maid of Honour, but going to marry soon and his Aunt was Lady in Waiting to dear Mama. He kissed hands on his appointment as minister at Zanzibar where he is going next week. I think they liked him at St Petersburg, at least he was very happy there — he enjoyed so traveling with you in India, only grieved it was so short. Anybody who knows my sweet Darling interests me of course doubly. I am spelling impossibly I find to-day, but you will excuse my faults, won't you and not be too severe judge but one has one's days, when one cannot write properly.

Precious one, I love you, oh, so dearly, and cannot tell it you often enough. I feel deep and strongly but have learned in the years to swallow my feelings down, so that now I cannot show them properly, but you understand yr silly old Pelly, don't you?

We read Sophie's discriptions of the earthquake, they must have been too ghastly for words — all those innocent little children crushed in the Church — one cannot bear to think of it, it is too terrible.

I wonder how the Weeping Willow is celebrating his birthday down at Abastouman? Granny was speaking of yr cossack suit, how fine it was, I think she remembered your father in it, but has never seen you wear it, so I told her you were bringing it here.

I must dress now for driving with Granny. Goodbye and God bless you, my own precious Nicky and let your little girl kiss you most tenderly.

Your very loving and devoted affectionate and trusting

Alix

Love to Xenia and Sandro

Above: Nicholas and Alix.

Alix's letter to Nicholas, dated May 6 (New Style), 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 21 to 23, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

No. 5
Windsor Castle, May 6th 1894
Дорогой, милый Ники,
Здравствуйте! I have just come back from service, we had lovely singing and a fine sermon. I prayed most earnestly for my darling. I wish you had been there, I think you would like the English service, the prayers are to beautiful and elevating.

This moment a letter has come from Aunt Alix, full of yr praise and so kind. She wants me to go with them to Sandringham from Saturday to Monday — whether Granny can spare me I don't know as she does not care for our going on visits whilst one is living with her. I shall ask her afterwards. I would much rather have waited and gone with you, it wld have been less shy work as they have always a large party, into wh I so little belong. I forgot to say yesterday that foolish Georgie says I am to insist upon yr wearing high heals and that I am to have quite low ones. May, he says won't change hers, but he wears much higher ones — at first they had been uncomfortable but now he did not mind it any more. I can see yr face when you read this — really so mad! As if the highth made any difference, and a gentleman with high heals looks too absurd and I am sure you would never do it.

Granny is alas very lame to-day, wh depresses her, poor dear. Darling you will be able to get leave sometimes, so as that we can come and see her, as who knows how long we may still have her in our midst and it makes her so unhappy thinking me so far away, as we all have been so constantly here, and she has always been a second mother to us, and treated us more as her own children, not like Grandchildren. It is too awful when I think anything may happen to her — then the whole family wld more or less separate and it wld never be the same again — the head wld be missing, round whom all used to collect. God grant that she may be spared to us still many years.

I must dress now as I am to go out with her and Aunt. I shall probably only follow the carriage a bit as it goes to fast for me now with my rotten old legs.

Me come back again. Granny won't spare me, I am not to go, she has the first right to me and it is the last time and she does not think it good I should go if they have a large party and without you. She seems not to wish me to go there, even not whilst she is at Balmoral. I am to see her in London she says. I am also not to go to Ascot races without you, it wld not be proper, well, honestly, I much prefer not going to the latter.

Last night Aunt B and I played to Granny some things of Grieg wh she liked. Thora, the snipe, is coming this afternoon and I want her to go to Church with me.

I have had such idiotical dreams, I who usually never dream, that it was a mistake, that I was not engaged to you, tho' I loved you awfully, but to your Uncle Alexei, you and I were always to-gether, skating, and I was in despair as I only cared for you and I did not know how to get out of it — too absurd. I was completely confused when I woke up in the morning. It is warm and windy. I hope the post will bring me a letter to-morrow as they take to long coming from Russia and I am longing for news.

Many tender kisses, sweetest One, and bless you. I am yearning for you. The bells chime so beautifully here, I wish they could ring over to you.

I have just seen Dr. Reid and he is going to give me a nerve tonic and I am to take what my Dr told me too. My pulse ought to be stronger. I shall be good and do all I am told as I must get my legs in order, for all the standing. I do wonder when I shall get your first letter from home.

"La vie est un sommeil, l'amoue en est le rêve, et vous avez vécu, si vous avez aimé."

Now my own precious One, I must say Goodbye. Many a tender kiss do I press here for my Pet. God bless and protect you my Own beloved One, my Nicky sweet.
Ever yr deeply loving and devoted little Girl
Alix

Above: Nicholas and Alix.

Above: Queen Victoria.

Notes: "Дорогой, милый Ники, здравствуйте!" = "Dear, darling Nicky, hello!".

Thora = Princess Helena Victoria of Schleswig-Holstein (1870-1948), daughter of Princess Helena and Prince Christian. Cousin of Alix.

"La vie est un sommeil, l'amoue en est le rêve, et vous avez vécu, si vous avez aimé." = "Life is a sleep, love is its dream, and you have lived, if you have loved."

Alix's letter to Nicholas, dated May 5 (New Style), 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 17 to 19, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

No. 4 Windsor Castle

May 5th 1894

My own sweet Nicky dear,

Thanks for your dear message in Granny's telegram, we were breakfasting to-gether when it came. Then Gretchen and I went down to Frogmore, picked primroses and sat baking in the sun. She has to climb to get at them now, as my Boysy is alas not here. I had to think so much of the Rosenau and how I made poor you pick the whole time. I fear you must sometime have wished me to Jericho. Then Granny came and we went to the Mausoleum and placed wreathes there. It is so pretty and lies so lovely, you will, I am sure, there are lots of charming pattes and benches. Really it is too bad, the whole day people have been fidgeting, so that I could not finish this letter, and then I had to try on stupid, uninteresting clothes, 2 new blouses I have bought and 2 hats. "Schlumpers" are coming still.

Well, Georgie and May have been here and he sends you his very best love — you are his oldest and best friend. They were very nice, but I wanted you and your big eyes. I have just got a grand telegram: "Les Cosaque d'Orenburg réunis à l'occasion de leur fête patronale de St George's présent votre Altesse de vouloir bien agréer leurs vœux et hommages les plus respectueux inspirés par le dévouement sans bornes qu'ils portent à votre august fiancé les prières de tous sont unanimes pour le bonheur de vo Altesse Impériale. Ataman der Cosaques d'Orenburg General Major Ersehoss." I shall ask someone to help answering it properly as you know alas how weak my French is.

I drove with Granny and A. Beatrice in the Park and had tea in a cottage manor hill. The woods are too lovely and the roads and grass so inviting for a canter. We must ride when you come. My legs have been so bad all day that I have sent for Dr Reid — it will never do for you to have a lame wife. Wife — how funny that sounds! I cannot yet realize that the old owl is to be yours. If only she were worthy enough for you and could be a real help and comfort. But she will do all in her power for her own sweet Pelly whom she adores more than words can express. I hear an old barrelorgan down in the town, it makes me think of my childhood — how long ago that seems now, so much has happened, such never to be forgotten sorrows, and now this joy! Oh sweet one, thanks for your love which I value, oh, so highly. I have to think of days ago — do you remember our evening — I see you still in your white uniform waiting to go to Church, and then I was alone, but my prayers and thoughts followed you. To-morrow in Church our thoughts will meet and our prayers join. I must also go to evening service — it is so beautiful and does one such good — the lovely singing, fine Chapel, oh, could you but be at my side. And Ernie, how he loved it and he has a wife and is at home and happy — I am in a horrid mood to-night, I feel low and depressed and scarcely know how to keep back my tears — it is that dreadful barrelorgan I believe and the solitary lamp wh make me so foolish, but it will never do, my letter will be too idiotic otherwise. Ach, and I want to write to the Weeping Willow for his Birthday and then I must dress for dinner.

Of course, Georgie said I must not keep you all the time, but must let you come to London as he saw so little of you at his wedding wh I understand. I understand anyone wanting you.

Well, what have you been able to arrange for Xenia and Sandro? Give them my best love and say how much I am thinking of them. I forget, did I write out these lines for you already or not?

"Pray for all those who love thee,

All who are loved by thee,

Pray for those who hate thee,

If any such there be.

Then for thyself a blessing

In meekness humbly claim

And link with each petition

Thy great Redeemer's name."

"Love is the one thing on earth we never lose. It is like a cool river growing broader and deeper as it flows towards the sea, which makes all fields greener where it passes, the sweet flowers bloom. It flowed through Paradise long ago and they called it the River of Life." Yes, truly, love is the greatest blessing on earth and he to be pitied who knows it not. But I must rush, Victoria and Ludwig are arriving. Farewell beloved Boy, my own, own true Darling, the sweetest Boy that ever was.

God bless you now and evermore. Many tender kisses from yr ever deeply loving old Spitzbub owl and frog.

Аликсъ

Above: Nicholas and Alix.

Alix's letter to Nicholas, dated April 22 (Old Style), 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 10 to 11, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

22 April

Windsor Castle

My own precious Nicky dear,

I have just arrived and had breakfast with Granny. How it reminded me of Coburg and made me miss you more than ever. But there the delight of finding your sweet letter for which many tender kisses and thanks for the flowers. I am going to put them in my Bible and Prayerbook — they smell still excellently. The comfort of having your letter is great and I don't know how often I have read it in these few minutes and covered it with kisses. How I miss your kisses and blessing.

The journey went off well and the crossing was splendid, not a movement and I don't feel very tired. Everything is so beautiful, green and bright of flowers. Liko is not yet at all well and Granny has a tiresome cough. The whole journey I kept your coin in my hands and played with it. Looked at the photo — a little comfort — not only that I miss you, but Ernie too, everything reminds me of a few weeks ago when we were here to-gether and I feel quite lost without him. Granny tells me she has written to you — she wrote to me, even to Darmstadt.

Aunt Beatrice is coming up to London to some function, so Granny, I and the Children will be left to ourselves.

Your letter has made me too awfully happy, why, I am the same as you. I also feel shy to express my feelings too, I had such a lot I wanted to tell you and ask and speak about, but felt too shy. We shall have to conquer this weakness, don't you think now? Oh, I want you ever so badly, my own beloved One, my one and all — little lausbub — spitsbub wants you, oh dear, oh dear, it is so tough, the end of [illegible].

Now I must go and get myself cleaned and change my clothing. Then I shall continue.

So here I am again. I have been trying to arrange the room a bit and have been standing up all my photos and frog. I have unpacked my music and as soon as I can intend playing as I have neglected the piano too shamefully lately. I hope you will get "noch minna" alright, sent it off from Darmstadt. All your photos are looking at me with their beautiful big eyes. Oh were you but here and I could press you to my heart.

And to think that you are still rattling along, poor dear. I shall anxiously await yr telegram this evening — you will write often, won't you, as your letters will be my greatest joy and what I shall look forward to the most in the day. I have used a little of your scent but the smell makes me sad. I have Heinrich now more for a [illegible] at the "inevitable" Rosenau — tho they were lovely, you must confess it. Madelaine was deeply touched you thought of her, she insists upon sticking the cat on top of the sopha wh looks utterly mad.

Yes, sweet one, it was beastly having to say goodbye so coldly at the station before everyone. I had to think of when you arrived. I shall never forget those first days and what a beast I was to you, forgive me my love. Ah, if you only knew how I adore you and the years have made my affection for you grow stronger and deeper and I wish only I were worthier of your love and tenderness. You are much too good for me. But I must stop otherwise this letter won't reach the post in time. God bless you, my own true love. Many a tender kiss fr yr ever deeply devoted little girl

Alix

Yr bride — how funny it sounds. Sweet one, I cannot stop thinking of you.

Above: Nicholas and Alix.

Nicholas's letter to Alix, dated April 21/May 3, 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, page 10, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

May 3rd/April 21st 1894

At the frontier

My own sweet precious Alix,

We have just arrived to Russia and you cannot imagine with what feeling of happiness and gratefulness to God, I looked at the first people at our station who greeted us kindly. The journey was good but too hot. I thought of you my beloved one and read through all you had already written to me before, it was still a comfort those lines.

Above: Nicholas and Alix.

Alix's letter to Nicholas, dated April 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, page 8, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

Wednesday

My own precious Darling,

I am going to scribble you these few lines wh you can read when I am gone. Oh, it is too hard to have to leave and be seperated for such a time but you will write often, won't you? That will be a little comfort, but I shall miss my Darling's kisses. I don't know what I shall do without you. What a joy these days have been and I thank you over and over again for all your goodness and love. To possess such a love is truly a benediction.

"We meet not hand to hand 'tis true, as other days have seen us, but nought could keep my thoughts from you, though a world should lie between us."

You won't forget to speak to yr Father about what I asked, that I have not to abschwören my old belief. Darling, you will make it easy for me, won't you? It will be hard you know, but with God's help I shall learn to love your Religion and trie to be a better Christian — with you by my side, all will be easier. Oh, if you only knew how deeply I love and respect you my Boysy dear. God bless you and protect you. Kiss all your dear Ones at home from me and thank all again fervently for their presents and eggs they so kindly sent me — it was too touching.

Yr own old for ever and ever

Alix

Above: Nicholas and Alix.

Note: abschwören = to abjure.

Alix's letter to Xenia, dated April 30, 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, pages 327 to 328, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

April 30th 1894
My darling little Xenia,
I send you my most tender thanks for the sweet little egg and lovely little brooch. I was deeply touched at yr having thought of me. The others are all in Church and I am sitting alone, so use the opportunity for writing to my Chicken.

Alas! only two days and then we part, I feel miserable at the idea — but what can't be cured must be endured. You are to be envied seeing Sandro every day, and I shall not see my Nicky for over a month.

I cannot describe my happiness O it is too great and I can only thank God on my knees for having guided me thus. And what an angel the dear Boy is, how glad you will be to have him back again. You will write to me some times, won't you, if Sandro is not the whole day with you. Give him my love.

We went for a drive yesterday in the rain, but not to the Rosenau, to-day I have no doubt we shall go there. I am going to spend a night at Darmstadt on my way to England so shall see the young couple again — they look so happy and content, but it does seem too funny Ernie being married.

It is so damp to-day that I have had to have a fire made.
Now enough for to-day. With many a loving kiss I remain
Ever yr very loving old Hen
Alix

Above: Alix.

Above: Xenia.

Alix's official letter to Marie Feodorovna, dated April 29, 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, pages 326 to 327, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

Madame,
Your Imperial Majesty, having kindly and with grace conferred on me the 1st class of the Order of St Catherine, I thank You very humbly with all my heart, as well as His Majesty the Emperor, for the very gracious distinction that Your Majesty has intended for me.

I beg Your Majesties to kindly accept the testimony of the most sincere attachment that I have for them.
Your very devoted future daughter-in-law
Alex
Princess of Hesse and by Rhine
Coburg
April 29, 1894

Above: Alix.

Above: Marie Feodorovna.

Alix's Easter poems for Nicholas, dated April 29, 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, pages 324 to 326, by George Hawkins, 2023

The poems:

Easter, April 29th 1894
Palais Edinburg, Coburg
Pray for all those you love thee
All who are loved by thee
Pray too for those who hate thee
If any such there be.
The for thyself a blessing
In meekness humbly claim
And back with each petition
Thy Great Redeemer's Name
—
I want a heart not heeding
What others think or say,
I want a humble spirit
To listen and obey
To serve Thee without ceasing
'Tis but a little while,
My strength, the Master's promise
My joy, the Master's smile.
Oh! Jesus Christ my Master
I come to Thee to-day,
I ask Thee to direct me,
In all I do or say.
I want to keep my promise
To be Thy servant true
I come to Thee for orders
Dear Lord, what shall I do?
—
Hush my dear, lie still and slumber
Holy angels guard thy bed!
Heavenly blessings without number
Gently falling on thy head.
—
I dreamt that I was happy
A soft voice whispered near
And bid me raise my drooping head
And nothing more to fear
I dreamt that through this dreary world
The more the wanderer roved
I dreamt the bliss too deep for earth!
I dreamt that I was loved
Bright faces smiled upon me
Sof[t] music floated around
And all was hope and love and joy
On that unbaunted ground
One smiled upon me lovingly,
My eyes to him were raised
And in that depth of light I read
His secret as I gazed.
—
Let them love now who never loved before
Let them who always loved now love the more.
To my own darling Nicky, with every possible good wish and blessing for Easter April 29th 1894, Coburg
Fr yr deeply loving old Alix

Above: Nicholas and Alix.

Alix's and Nicholas's telegram to Marie Feodorovna, dated April 28, 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, page 324, by George Hawkins, 2023

The telegram:

Telegram
28 April 1894
Tenderest thanks for magnificent present order sweet Easter eggs and dear letters quite overcome are writing best love. Christos Voskres
Alix, Nicky

Above: Nicholas and Alix.

Above: Marie Feodorovna.

Note: "Christos Voskres" ("Христос Воскрес") = "Christ is Risen".

Alix's and Nicholas's telegram to Marie Feodorovna, dated April 25, 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, page 322, by George Hawkins, 2023

The telegram:

Telegram
25 April 1894
Our very best thanks for dear letter with singers. Think much of you, wish you were here, delight in the weather. Tender kisses.
Alix Nicky

Above: Nicholas and Alix.

Above: Marie Feodorovna.

Alix's and Nicholas's telegram to Marie Feodorovna, dated April 24, 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, page 322, by George Hawkins, 2023

The telegram:

Telegram
24 April 1894
Returned yesterday evening from Darmstadt, spent charming day with Ducky, Ernie, lovely summer weather. Could not feel happier. Of course give Your letter. We both send our tender love,
Alix Nicky

Above: Nicholas and Alix.

Above: Marie Feodorovna.

Alix's letter to her aunt and future mother-in-law Marie Feodorovna the day after her engagement to Nicholas, dated April 21, 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, pages 320 to 321, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

Palais Edinburg, Coburg
April 21st 1894
My darling Auntie,
I must send you a few lines to tell you how intensely happy I am. Such loving thanks for your letter, which touched me deeply. It has been a fearfully hard strugle, but with God's help I hope I may learn to love my darling Nicky's Religion, and make him a true, loving and honest wife. I cannot say all that is in my heart, but you can imagine, Auntie dear, what my feelings are. He is much too good for me. We went to the Thanksgiving Service yesterday to-gether, now they are all in Church.

We are going for a night to Darmstadt, as Ernie and Ducky must see us in our happiness and I am longing to go and say a prayer at the graves of my beloved Parents. At such a moment it is so especially hard not to have them and to be without their blessing. But Auntie dear, you will love me a little bit, for sweet Nicky's sake, won't you? I love you already so dearly.

I cannot write any more to-day.
Goodbye, darling Auntie, and kissing your dear hand and Uncle Sacha's most tenderly, I remain,
Your very loving and affecti[onate] Niece,
Alix

Above: Nicholas and Alix.

Above: Marie Feodorovna.

Alix's letter to Xenia, dated April 10, 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, pages 316 to 317, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

April 10th 1894
Душка Ксеніи,
A tender kiss and best thanks for your dear letter and the charming photos. It seems too funny to think that you are about to be married. God bless you, my sweet Child and may you have every possible happiness.
Darling, why did you speak about that subject wh we never wanted to mention again? It is cruel, as you know it never can be — all along I have said so, and do you think it is not already hard enough to know you are hurting just the person whom of all other you wld long to please. But it cannot be — he knows it — and so do not I pray you, speak of it again. I know Ella will begin again, but what is the good of it, and it is cruel always to say I am ruining his life — can I help it, when to make him happy I should be committing a sin in my conscience. It is hard enough as it is, and beginning about it again and again is so unkind. You, who have found what your heart has desired, think only kindly of me, tho' I am grieving you too. One worry and sorrow follows the other — in 5 days we are off to Coburg for Ernie's Wedding — what my feelings are you can imagine. God grant they may be happy — she is such a dear. I am going to England for two or three months, as I shld only be in their way here.

The heat is great, but everything is so green and lovely, and all the fruittrees in bloom — too beautiful, we spend many hours in the woods.
Goodbye my little Chicken, many a loving kiss from yr ever devoted old
Alix
Best love to Sandro

Above: Alix.

Above: Xenia.

Note: "Душка Ксеніи" = "Darling Xenia".

Excerpt from Alix's letter to Queen Victoria, dated January 29, 1894

Source:

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, page 315, by George Hawkins, 2023

The letter:

Darmstadt
Jan 29st 1894
Darling Grandmama
Your dear letter touched me deeply, and I hasten now to thank you for it tenderly. All you said was so good and comforting, and your never changing kindness and affection help me to be happy for dear Ernie's sake. It does one's heart good to see how they love each other & how contented they are — but my feelings are very mixed, as you can well imagine dear Grandmama & I miss my beloved Papa more than ever. The whole country rejoices at the prospect of Ernie's marriage & I am sure they will have no reason to be disappointed in his choice...

Above: Alix.

Above: Queen Victoria.

Nicholas's telegram to Alexandra, dated September 22, 1915

Source:

https://www.alexanderpalace.org/letters/september15.html

The telegram:

Telegram. Stavka. 22 September, 1915.
I am leaving at 4.30, hope to arrive at 10 in the morning. To-day I saw Sandro. The news is good. Hearty thanks for dear letter yesterday evening. I kiss you all fondly.
NICKY.

Above: Alexandra.

Above: Nicholas.

Alexandra's letter to Nicholas, dated September 20, 1915, and Nicholas's telegrams, dated September 19 and 20, 1915

Sources:

Letters of the Tsaritsa to the Tsar, 1914-1916, published by Duckworth & Co., 1923

https://babel.hathitrust.org/cgi/pt?id=inu.30000011396573&view=1up&seq=232&skin=2021

https://www.alexanderpalace.org/letters/september15.html

The letter:

No. 128.
Tsarskoje Selo, Sept. 20-th 1915
My own beloved Darling,
I read the papers this morning with much interest — the promised explanation of our position at the war, clearly put & the work of a month that you are there keeping the enemy at bay. —

A grey, rainy morning again but not cold. — This afternoon we have a Te Deum in the red cross & then I give the diplomas to the ladies who have finished their courses as nurses & received the red cross. We are always in need of nurses, many get tired, ill, or wish to go out to the front positions to receive medals. The work here is monotonous and continual — out there, there is more excitement, constant change, even danger, uncertainty & not always much work to be done; certainly it is far more tempting. One of our Trepov's daughters worked nearly a year in our Invalid's hospital — but after her Mother's death she always felt restless, so off she went — & has already received the medal on the St. George's ribbon. — I send you a letter from Bulatovitch he sent you through Ania & a summary of her talk with Beletzky — that does indeed seem a man who could be most useful to the minister of the Interior, as he knows everything — Dzhunkovsky eat him out; just when one needs to have all the threads in hand. He says everywhere one complains of Stcherbatov's inactivity & not understanding of his work & duties. Has very bad opinion of fat Orlov & feels sure that my long lost letter from the Standart in C.(rimea) to Ania in the country is in Orlov's hands. Says Dzhunkovsky gave over those filthy papers about our Friend to Maklakov's brother, as they intend bringing up that question in the Duma & papers. — But God grant, if you find Khvostov suitable, he will put a stop to all.

Luckily he is still here & even went to Goremykin to place all his ideas before the old man. Andronnikov gave Ania his word of honour, that nobody shall know, that Khvostov comes to Ania (she sees him in her house, not in the palace) or Beletzky, so that her & my name will remain out of this. — Alas Gadon & Sherv. seem to spread very many bad things about Gregory, as Dzhunkovsky's friend of course — & knowing poor Ella's ideas & wishing to help — thus he does mischief — before others' eyes sets Elagin against Tsarskoje Selo & that is bad & wrong — & its he who ennervates Xenia & Motherdear, instead of keeping them up bravely & squashing gossip.

It was with deepest joy that I received your precious, tender letter — your warm words did my yearning heart good. Yes, my treasure, separation draws one yet closer together — one feels so greatly what one misses — & letters are a great consolation. Indeed he foretold most accurately the length of time you would remain out there. Still I am sure you long to have more contact with the troops, & I shall be glad for you when you will be able to move a bit. Of course this month was too serious — you had to get into your work & plans with Alexeiev & the time has been such an anxious out there — but now thank God, all seems going satisfactorily.

Tell Grabbe I am delighted with his proposition — Viltchkovsky wanted the new barracks badly & wrote I believe to him & Voyeikov about it — I said I could say nothing until you came. Long ago I had my eye upon it — but discreetly held my tongue — now I can only say I am enchanted — it is near the station — so big & lofty & clean, brand new & we have an red cross station waiting to be placed. Thank him very much from me. — The old man has asked to see me at 6 to-morrow, probably to give over things to you, or to tell about Khvostov's talk. — It will be interesting what he will tell about the sitting at Moghilev. What a beautiful telegram from our Friend & what courage it gives you to act firmly. — Certainly, as soon as Samarin goes, one must clear out the members of the Synod and get others in. Our Friend's wife came, Ania saw her — so sad & says he suffers awfully through calumnies & vile things one writes about him — high time to stop all that — Khvostov & Beletzky are men to do that. — Only one must get the 2 Khvostov to work well together — all must unite. But about Sazonov what do you think, I wonder? I believe, as he is a very good & honest (but obstinate) man, that when he sees a new collection of Ministers who are energetic, he may draw himself up & become once more a man — the atmosphere around him cought hold of him & cretinised him. There are men who become marvels in time of anxiety & great difficulties — & others show a pittiful side of their nature. Sazonov needs a good stimulant — & once he sees things "working well" instead of fomenting & at the same time dropping to pieces — he will feel his backbone grow. I cant believe he is as harmful as Stcherbatov & Samarin or even my friend Krivoshein — what has happened to him? I am bitterly disappointed in him. Lovy, if you have an occasion in the train, speak to N. P. & make him understand, that you are glad to make use of me. He wrote to me once very upset that one mentions my name so much & that Goremykin sees me etc. & he does not understand that its my duty, tho' I am a woman, to help you when & where I can, once you are away, all the more so. Don't say I mentioned it, but bring the conversation onto that topic à deux. He has a cousin's husband in the Duma & perhaps he sometimes tries not rightly to tell him things or influence him. He told Axel Pistolkors that I give officers Gregory prayer belts — such rot, one loves those belts with different prayers & I give them to every officer that leaves to the war fr. here — & two whom I never saw begged for them fr. me with a prayer to Father Seraphim. — One told me that those soldiers that wore them in the last war were not killed.

I see N. P. so rarely to talk to longer, & he is so young & I always lead him all these years — & now he suddenly comes into quite a new life — sees what hard times we are going through & trembles for us. He longs to help & of course does not know how to. I fear Petrograd will fill his ears with horrors — please tell him not to heed what one says, because it can make one wild — & nasty ones drag my name about a good deal. —

We were in Church this morning, later drove & after the red Cross called on Silaiev. — His wife is so like her son Raftopulo, too amusing — their little Children are sweet. Now our 5 Chicks are at Ania's in the big palace, playing with Rita Khitrovo & Irina Tolstaya. —

What intense joy — on three days, God grant, we shall have you back again — its too beautiful. My love, my joy, I await you with such eagerness.

Goodbye, Sweetheart, I bless & kiss you without end with deep & true devotion, better, better every day. Sleep well, agooweeone. — I shall still write to-morrow, if a man goes to meet you, as may have something to tell after my talk with Goremykin.
Ever, precious Nicky mine, yr. own, tenderly loving old wife
Alix.

Nicholas's telegrams:

Telegram. Stavka. 19 September, 1915.
Thanks for dear letter. I remember Khvost. I should like to see him on Wednesday at 6 o'clock; could you not tell him? ...

—

Telegram. Stavka. 20 September, 1915.
Warmest thanks for dear letter and two telegrams. I have given your greetings to Grabbe. Amazing, heavenly weather; for the last three days 16. deg. in the shade. Have had a delightful trip on the river, rowing with my gentlemen, in three boats. I kiss you and the children tenderly.
NICKY.

Above: Nicholas and Alexandra. Photo courtesy of Ilya Grigoryev at lastromanovs on VK.

Notes: Alexandra almost always referred to Grigori Rasputin as "our Friend".

Rasputin's wife was Praskovia Dubrovina.