Sources:
Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 11 to 14, by George Hawkins, 2023
George Hawkins at Letters and writings of Nicholas II and his family on Facebook
A Lifelong Passion, letters compiled by Andrei Maylunas and Sergei Mironenko, 1992
Nicholas's responses to the following letter:
The letter:
No. 3 Windsor Castle
April 22nd/May 4th 1894
Милый дорогои Ники,
Как ваше здоровье? Сегодня хорошая погода, вчер(?) была дурная погода, шолъ дождь и холодъ. Я рада быть опять здѣсь прекрасно. When I don't know what sign to put at the end of a word, this (?) is to replace it. As soon as I have finished one письмо to you, I want to begin another, I am an old chatterbox, and when you are near me, I get mum like an old owl. If you could mention any nice book, a translation from the Russian you would like your stupid frog to read, do tell me. The ink is so watery that it makes filthy blotches and I fear you will scarcely be able to read anything. I hope they won't teaze you too much about the ring, душки (?) We have just heard that Uncle Alfred had a bad passage, how grateful I am that ours was so good. Now you must be arriving at home, how they will all rejoice at having their Darling back again. I wonder whether you will be grandly received or what festivities will be in your honour. Will you see Fräulein Schneider before she comes here? Poor little woman, I hope she won't get lost on the way, if only you could have come with her. Well, we must be patient, not grumble, only I do feel so awfully lonely and long for you to take me in your strong and loving arms. It does one good to know one is loved, it makes one take again more interest in life. If you only are not disappointed in the owl, you must teach her and try and make her clever like yourself.
"O my dear one, how I love you,
Better, better, every day,
With unending true devotion
Deeper far than I can say.
When at evening dies the daylight
Lost at length in night's embrace,
All the gloom is steeped in sunshine
By the memory of your face.
And with morning comes the whisper
Of the name that I adore,
And I waken, sleep forsaking,
Wake to love you more and more."
Such loving thanks for your dear telegram I was so happy to receive their blessing. Happy he who is no orphan. It was so sweet of yr Mother asking me no longer to call her "Aunt." Mother and Father I will gladly say, but Papa and Mama I cannot yet bring quite over my lips as it brings back so vividly the past and makes me long more than ever for my darlings. But your Parents will always be mine and I shall love and honour them.
I went out driving with Grdmama this afternoon. She began by asking me so many questions — when, how and where and what had made me change my decision and so on, till I no longer knew what to say. She is very fond of you, my Love, you know.
Then she dropped off to sleep, and I admired the beautiful nature, Windsor Castle through the dark trees in the distance with sunshine on it and bright blue shades — like a beautiful vision. Then I took tea with her and the Children came in and romped and made a shocking noise. Drino offered her some flowers he had picked, but she made him give me, and dear of her, always thinking of little kind things. Now I am sitting all alone, after having stuck four of yr photos in an alas not very elegant red leather frame bought here.
What the post will think of me if I write so often to you, I cannot imagine, so I think I had better keep to one letter a day, but no, sometimes I must write more, because when I sit alone in my room, my thoughts run madder than ever to you, so if I bore you with my chattering, forgive me, my own sweet Nicky dear, my beloved little "Lausbub."
"There is a comfort in the strength of love, I will make a thing endurable, which else would overset the brain or break the heart. Would that the little flowers were born to live conscious of half the pleasure which they give." Your primrose, my boysy dear. "Thanks to the human heart by which we live, thanks to its tenderness, its joys and fears! To me, the meanest flower that blooms can give thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears."
Think of "Als mein" "Noch ahmal" You wonder that my tears should flow in listening to that simple strain, that those unskillful sounds should fill my soul with joy and pain. How can you tell what thoughts it stirs within my heart again. You wonder why that common phrase, so all unmeaning to your ear, should stay me in my merriest mood, and thrill my soul to hear. How can you tell what ancient charm has made me hold it dear! You marvel that I turn away from all those flowers so fair and bright, and gaze at this poor herb to tears. Arise and sim my sight (pink flowers) you cannot tell how every leaf breathes of a past delight."
Granny showed me all the English photos done at Coburg and Rosenau, quite charming. Do you wish me to order one of each for you — the breakfast room (Granny's) is there, and one like a picture of the river at the Rosenau, where you pulled at the branch in the water, you great beast, and with the road behind it. I felt melancholy and wanted those afternoons back again. Granny said how naughty you had been calling it the inevitably (I fear it was my doing) but she understood it, and she was so proud of it. Do send a photo of yourself to me for Aunt Beatrice — she wants one so much. You might send me one done of you and the "first couple." I can see them besetting you with questions begging you to arrange for our Wedding. Give them my fondest love.
If you know of any little book about yr Religion do tell me so that I might read more about it, before you bring the Priest. One book in French wh belongs to Sergei and he sent me since 1890 I have with me. Oh I wish you were here, you could help me and you are so religious, you must understand how nervous it makes me, but God will help me and you too, my love, won't you, so as that I may always get a better Christian and serve my God as truly as hitherto and more. How can I thank him enough for having given me such a heart as my Boysy's to call my own. May He bless and protect you now and evermore.
It is so sad sad sitting all alone, no Nicky, no Ernie, I could cry. I sit and gaze at your photos and wonder what you are doing. I have read your sweet letter over and over again, and kiss you for it.
When do you begin yr service again? Tell me all about it and what else you have to do and arrange, everything concerning you interests me so immensely.
The horrible earthquakes seem not yet to be over in Greece and poor little Sophie frightened out of her wits, fearing all would be over any minutes, so the walls shook, poor creatures!
It seems Ld. Rosebery has made a foolish speech in Manchester. I hope he won't go and aggravate dear Granny. Now my own precious darling Nicky I must say Goodbye. God bless you. Many a tender kiss. I am, Ever yr very loving and deeply devoted old
Alix
To-day is a big drawing room — Georgie and May are coming to luncheon to-morrow, how I wish you were here. We are only Ladies to supper, not lively and I am tired. I must play the piano to wake me up a bit. Sleep well my angel and dream of yr "little girly" who is praying to God for your happiness. A good big kiss.
Above: Alix.
Above: Nicholas.
Notes: "Милый дорогой Ники, как ваше здоровье? Сегодня хорошая погода, вчера была дурная погода, шол дождь и холод. Я рада быть опять здесь прекрасно." = "Dear, sweet Nicky, how is your health? Today the weather is good, yesterday the weather was bad, it rained and was cold. I am glad to be here again, beautiful."
письмо = letter.
душки = darling.
Lausbub = rascal.
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