Alexandra's letter to Nicholas, dated September 15, 1904

Alexandra wrote this letter to Nicholas on September 15, 1904. The six week old Alexei had just had his second attack of hemophilia, which lasted for two days, during which his terrified parents tried their hardest not to let others see their feelings, and the doctors diagnosed him soon afterward. The first attack has occurred shortly after Alexei's birth when he began bleeding profusely from his navel after the umbilical cord was cut. According to the doctors, the tiny boy had lost ⅛ of his blood. Finding out that her son had the incurable and at that time deadly disease she had so feared completely devastated Alexandra, who burst into tears and was inconsolable upon learning the diagnosis. For the rest of her life she would live in constant, unrelenting anxiety for her fragile son and his health, to the point that in 1908 it began to adversely affect and worsen her own already weak health; and because she knew that the disease had come from her side of the family, she blamed herself relentlessly for her son's illness.

Sources:

A Lifelong Passion, letters and diary entries compiled by Andrei Maylunas and Sergei Mironenko

Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 3: The Young Empress, 1895-1905, page 219, by George Hawkins, 2024

George Hawkins at Letters and writings of Nicholas II and his family on Facebook

https://www.facebook.com/Letters-and-writings-of-Nicholas-II-and-his-family-108838347527221/

The letter:

Sweetest One,
You have left and we have had luncheon and the Feldjäger comes soon. It was horrid seeing you drive off and I know what it costs you leaving our treasure — but thank God it was not last week, which would have been unbearable. My food stuck half in my throat, but I swallowed it down, for his little sake, and for him too I shall be brave. I must not give him bad milk and make him restless. Of course you had no time for writing, with all your receptions today ... baby's dear shoe and glove are to give you a nice warm feeling in your heart when you go to bed. Your beloved big sad eyes, I see them always before me. Our dear Friend I am sure is watching over you, as He did over tiny last week — oh, what anguish it was, and not to let others see the knife digging in one. Thank God he is so well now! Sweet, beloved Angel, Goodbye and God bless and protect you. The Children kiss you 100 times and I cover your adorable face with kisses without end and remain for ever and ever your very own old Wify.
Sunny

The letter in full:

Peterhof

15th September 1904

Sweetest One

You have left and we have had luncheon and the feldjager comes soon. It was horrid seeing you drive off. I know what it cost you leaving our treasure — but thank God it was not last week, wh. would have been unbearable. My food stuck half in my throat, but I swallowed it down for his little sake and for him too I shall be brave, I must not give him bad milk — make him restless.

Of course you had no time for writing, with all yr receptions today. I have written Aug. in my letter [illegible] will give you, so you must alter it. Baby dear's shoe and glove are to give you a nice warm feeling in your heart when you go to bed. He is going out driving. The children are stamping letters. I shall take Olga driving and drop her at the farm, come home, and then at 5 to the Cottage as Motherdear says I can come.

Yr beloved big sad eyes I see them always before me. Our dear Friend I am sure is watching over you, as he did over Tiny last week — oh what anguish it was not to let others see the knife digging in one. — Thank God he is so well now.

Sweet, beloved Angel, Goodbye and God bless and protect you.

The Children kiss you 100 times and Uncle Mimi too. I cover yr adorable face with kisses without end and remain for ever and ever yr. very own old Wify

Sunny

Above: Nicholas and Alexandra.

Above: Alexei. Photo courtesy of Ilya Grigoryev at lastromanovs on VK.