Sources:
Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 114 to 117, by George Hawkins, 2023
George Hawkins at Letters and writings of Nicholas II and his family on Facebook
Nicholas's letter of the same day:
A letter Alix wrote to her friend Toni Becker about the attack on Nicholas in Otsu in 1891 is here:
Excerpt of the letter:
Don't think you are boasting when you tell about your journey as I am sure you would never do such a thing, but why should not others also have a little pleasure in hearing you tell about foreign countries, where the most will probably never go, and your experiences and impressions. It would even be selfish if you gave them nothing to hear and kept all you had seen and wondered over for yourself, let them learn from you. I am sure in your whole life you will be thankful for having undertaken that journey and how much it must have tought you. Every man ought to travel and see the world, as it enlarges his mind. How Ernie grieves that he never can go so far away, he was intending to do so, when our beloved One died, and now in his position it is impossible — perhaps, God grant, he may do so some day still. What a pleasure it is listening to stories of foreign countries, especially when one will probably never have the chance of going there. Oh my love, how my thoughts followed you there, and what I went through when we suddenly got that terrible news and I had to swallow down the feelings wh were overwhelming me. I am sure sure those five years have made my nerves and leg so bad — oh, they were awful, but God knows best, tho' we often do not understand his ways and have Blindly to go there. God knows why He leads us so and it must be for our best.
The letter in full:
No 34
Harrogate
June 2nd 1894
My own precious Nicky sweet,
A good kiss and most heartfelt thanks for dear No. 27 just received, you darling old thing, it has been such a delight to read, all the dear, kind names, God bless you for them. I am sorry you have also got our bad weather, I can imagine the state you got into out walking, as you ought to have seen the mess the Ladies were in after nearly an hour's walk in pouring rain near my bath chair, I put the hood up and took my hat off as the air was oppressive. I have namely not yet got over my ramolissement, but not withstanding, I had my two hours' Russian. I nearly know the Lord's Prayer by heart. Oh how I wish I were clever, for your dear sake, when I think of you, I feel such a dunce.
Don't think you are boasting when you tell about your journey as I am sure you would never do such a thing, but why should not others also have a little pleasure in hearing you tell about foreign countries, where the most will probably never go, and your experiences and impressions. It would even be selfish if you gave them nothing to hear and kept all you had seen and wondered over for yourself, let them learn from you. I am sure in your whole life you will be thankful for having undertaken that journey and how much it must have tought you. Every man ought to travel and see the world, as it enlarges his mind. How Ernie grieves that he never can go so far away, he was intending to do so, when our beloved One died, and now in his position it is impossible — perhaps, God grant, he may do so some day still. What a pleasure it is listening to stories of foreign countries, especially when one will probably never have the chance of going there. Oh my love, how my thoughts followed you there, and what I went through when we suddenly got that terrible news and I had to swallow down the feelings wh were overwhelming me. I am sure sure those five years have made my nerves and leg so bad — oh, they were awful, but God knows best, tho' we often do not understand his ways and have Blindly to go there. God knows why He leads us so and it must be for our best.
I am so sorry you did not get a letter from me the day you wrote as I send one regularly with the exception of Sundays when the post only goes in the evening, so this letter will make you wait again — it is a nuisance. Yours will no doubt also not come till Monday. I grieve as I know how sad I feel when none no letter comes, well then the others must be read over and devoured again. How I envy your playing on the piano, I have not got one here and by the time you come I shall not be able to play a note. Victoria is now coming alone and from the 5th to 8th so that I shall not spend my birthday alone. To-morrow is Georgie's.
I wonder whether you would get this letter on the 6th. Oh, how I shall long for you. It is one of the days I hate most in the year, it makes me always feel miserable, as one never knows what the coming year will bring, this one brought me great sorrow and inexpressible joy. And it is the time one longs more than ever for all those dear ones gone from this earth. It will be my 3rd birthday without beloved Papa, oh Nicky, what he was to me, none can ever know, but I cannot speak about it, otherwise the tears won't keep back and then inquisitive Ladies stare at one and ask questions. But it is a loss wh makes itself daily felt more and more. God help me!
But enough for to-night. Byby sweet love, your little bride blesses and kisses you most tenderly and passionately.
Good morning my pet! A few words before I go to Church. I am no longer ramolie you will be glad to hear, but who knows how soon I shall be so again. Of course it is raining and so I have ordered cab to take Gretchen and me to St. Mary's Church, where I have not yet been. Schneiderlein has to bathe and drink her water.
No letter from any one. I am sure they will all come of a heap on Wednesday, and then comes the answering. Yesterday Gretchen read to me a short biography of Pushkin, wh was most interesting, and with Schneiderlein I read in Russian Peter the Great's life as a boy — it sounds grand, does it not, but with a great deal of help I can make it out. Madelaine just brought me my medicine, no what I have all to do, killing, my knees get rubbed with a mixture of iodine and belladonna (shall I not use some for my eyes, would you not like to see me appear with glorious eyes, eh?) and now my whole body has to be rubbed with a brush to improve the circulation, it is maddening and I still now feel cribbely from it. Gretchen came very late so she gobbled down a large breakfast, not heeding our imploring words to take it slowly and I am in a fright of her bursting in Church — oh dear, it is a ghastly idea! Now I must be off and get dressed and pop on my bonnet and look sedate and I shall think of you sweety and I am sure our prayers will meet. We all know that we have such our Guardian Angel who watches over us but we must also remember that all the Angels, with one accord care for our wellbeing, for are we not told that the Angels rejoice more over one penitent sinner than many just persons who need no repentance. "Guide us, Truth, thou star refulgent, Travellers through a darksome land. We are weak but thou art mighty to support our social band. Lead us onward, Bending to thy high command."
Here I am out of Church again, it was a nice little one and we are going there next Sunday again, as the Lady and Gentleman allowed us to sit again in their bench. It was very full, so it took us a good time till we got to the porch where our carriage was waiting, to my horror a policeman and a crowd and I heard a Lady saying Prss Alice of Hesse is coming. Then the Gentleman of the bench kindly held his brolly over me. I scrambled in, in a most undignified way, getting the colour of a crab. They make me painfully shy, the dear people, and Gretchen the beast laughs at me. No more for the present as it lasts nearly two hours and I must rest a bit before luncheon. Oh, I prayed so for you and that I might become a better woman and Christian and that God might help me to learn and love your Church and that He should help me in the many great difficulties and that I might become worthier of you. I feel so much quieter after Church that I long to go every morning and evening and pray there.
Here I am back again, it did not rain a drop and we look quite a nice, and the dog too. This coming we are going to the Presbiterian (Scotch) church close by. Now sweet boy I must say Goodbye so as that Seibert can take this letter to the post, he won't rejoice having to do it, fat old lazy thing. No letter for me to-day, but I hope instead two to-morrow.
With many loving kisses and tenderst blessing, ever, my own beloved sweet and precious boysy dear, yr own true love
Alix
Forgive my letters being dull but not seeing ever any one, I have no news to give. You know, to-day is also "Illa's" Birthday, the Landgräfin's marriageable daughter! Our policeman is patiently marching up and down, I hear his footsteps and it reminds me of our centries at home. Give my love to Xenia when you write. I wonder if you have been on the lake to-day and Micha with his brolly. Please when you see Miechen give her my very fondest love. Tea for us three graces is being brought and the hungry Ladies are turning up, so Goodbye once more and believe in your little Girly's unending true devotion and deep love, I never get tired of seeing and I hope you not of hearing it.
Above: Nicholas and Alix.
Above: Nicholas during his trip to Japan in 1891.
Notes: ramolissement = exhaustion.
"when our beloved One died" = Alix's and Ernst's father, Grand Duke Louis of Hesse, had died suddenly from a heart attack in 1892, necessitating Ernst to inherit his important position as Grand Duke.
ramolie = exhausted.
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