Source:
Letters of the Tsaritsa to the Tsar, 1914-1916, published by Duckworth & Co., 1923
The letter:
No. 84.
Tsarskoje Selo, June 12-th 1915
My very Own,
I begin my letter still to-night, as to-morrow morning I hope to go to the hospital & shall have less time for writing. Ania & I took a nice drive to Pavlovsk this afternoon — in the shade it was quite cool; we lunched & took tea on the balkony, but in the evening it got too fresh to sit out. From 9½-11½ we were at Anias, I worked on the sopha, the 3 girls and officers played games. I am tired after my first outing. — My Lvov stores is now at Rovno near the station for the time — God grant we shant be driven back fr. there too. — That we had to leave that town is hard, but still it was not quite ours yet — nevertheless its sad to have fallen into other hands — William will now be sleeping in old Fr. J's bed wh. you occupied one night — I don't like that, its humiliating, — but that one can bear — but to think that once more the same battle-fields may be strewn with the bodies of our brave men — thats heartrending. But I ought not to speak to you in this tone, you have enough sorrow — my letters must be cheery ones, but its a bit difficult when heart & soul are sad. I hope to see our Friend a moment in the morning at Anias to bid Him goodbye — that will do me good. Serge Tan. was to leave tonight over Kiev but got a telegram that the Akhtirtzy are being sent elsewhere & he must leave to-morrow. I wonder what new combination. — How one wishes Alexeiev had remained with Ivanov, things might have gone better — Dragomirov set all going wrong. One prays & prays & yet never enough — the Schadenfreude of Germany makes my blood boil. God must surely hearken unto our supplications & send some success at least; — now shall be having them turn towards Varsovie & many troops are near Shavli, oh God, what a hideous war! Sweet, brave Soul how I wish one could rejoice your poor, tortured heart with something bright & hopeful. I long to hold you tightly clasped in my arms, with yr. sweet head resting upon my shoulder — then I could cover Lovy's face & eyes with kisses & murmer soft words of love. I kiss your cushion at nights, thats all I have — & bless it. — Now I must go to sleep. Rest well, my treasure, I bless & kiss you ever so fondly & gently stroke your dear brow.
June 13-th. How can I thank you enough for your beloved letter, I received upon our return from the hospital. Such an intense joy hearing from you, my Angel, thanks thousands of times. But I am sad your dear heart does not feel right, please let Botkin see you upon yr. return as he can give you drops to take from time to time when you have pains. I feel so awfully for those who have anything with the heart, suffering from it myself for so many years. Hiding ones sorrow, swallowing all, makes it so bad & it gets besides phisically tired — your eyes seemed like it at times. Only always tell it me, as I have after all enough experience with heart complain[t]s & I can perhaps help you. Speak about all to me, talk it out, cry even, it makes it phisically too, easier sometimes. —
Thank God N. understood about the second class. — Forgive me, but I don't like the choice of Minister of war — you remember how you were against him, & surely rightly & N. too I fancy. He works with Xenia too — but he is a man in whom one can have any confidence, can he be trusted? How I wish I were with you & could hear all yr. reasons for choosing him. I dread N.'s nominations, N. is far from clever, obstinate & led by others — God grant I am mistaken & this choice may be blest — but I like a crow, croak over it rather. Can the man have changed so much? Has he dropped Gutchkov — is he not our Friend's enemy, as that brings bad luck. Make dear old Goremykin thoroughly speak with him, morally influence him. Oh may these 2 new ministers be the right men in the right place, ones heart is so full of anxiety & one yearns for union amongst the ministers, success. Lovy mine, tell them upon their return from the Headquarters to ask & see me, one after the other, & I shall pray hard & try my utmost to be of real use to you. Its horrid not helping & letting you have all the hard work to do. —
Our Friend dined (I think) with Shakhovskoy again & likes him — He can influence him for the good. Fancy how strange! Schtcherbatov wrote a most amiable letter to Andronnikov (after having spoken against him to you). —
There is another minister I don't like in his place, Stcheglovitov, (to speak to pleasant) he does not heed to your orders, & whenever a petition comes wh. he thinks our Friend brought, he wont do it & not long ago tore one of yours through again. Verevkine his aid (Gr.'s friend) told this — & I have noticed that he rarely does what one asks — like Timiriasev obstinate & "by the letter" not by the soul. Its right to be severe — but one might be more just than he is & kinder to the small people, more lenient. —
Our apendicitis operation went off well; saw the new officers — the poor boy with tetanos is a little better — more hopeful. — Such fine weather, am lying on the balkony & the birdies are chirruping away so gaily. — A. just sat with me, she saw Gr. this morning, he slept better for the first time since 5 nights & says its a little better at the war. He begs you most incessantly to order quickly that on one day all over the country there should be a church procession to ask for victory. God will sooner hear if all turn to Him — please give the order, any day you choose now that it should be done — send yr. order (I think) by wire (open that all can read it) to Sabler that this is yr. wish — now is Petrovski Lent, so it is yet more apropriate, & it will lift the spirit up, & be a consolation to the brave one's fighting — & tell the same thing to Shavelsky Deary — please Darling, & just that its to be an order from you, not from the Synod. — I could not see Him to-day — hope to-morrow.
A., Alia & Nini have gone by motor to Krasnoje to talk with Groten. Now I must quickly send off this letter. Marie Bariatinsky dines with us & leaves to-morrow with Olga for Kiev I think. —
God bless & protect you — heart & soul with you, prayers without end surround you. Feel sad & lowspirited, hate being separated fr. you, all the more so when you have so many worries.
But God will help & if these church processions are done, am sure He will hearken unto all prayers of your faithful people. God guard & guide you, you my very own Love.
If you have any question for our Fr. write at once.
I cover you with fondest kisses, Ever yr. own old
Wify.
Love to old man & N. P.
Above: Nicholas and Alexandra.
Above: Anna Vyrubova.
Above: Grigori Rasputin.
Notes: William = Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany, a cousin of both Nicholas and Alexandra.
Alexandra always called Grigori Rasputin "our Friend".
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