Source:
A Lifelong Passion, letters and diary entries compiled by Andrei Maylunas and Sergei Mironenko
Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 3: The Young Empress, 1895-1905, pages 100 to 103, by George Hawkins, 2024
The letters:
Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 3: The Young Empress, 1895-1905, pages 100 to 103, by George Hawkins, 2024
The letters:
June 23
My own precious Darling,
I must send you a letter today, already. It was horrid having to let you go off all alone all alone and driving away from the station I felt a nasty lump in my throat and a suspicious moisture in the eyes. So I went straight off to the little church, and felt much calmer after praying for my darling. The service only lasted ¾ of an hour.
Had you been with me, I think we should have died as there were only three men to sing, I think a gardener and lamp-lighter. Each sang for himself and in another key. It was cruel to the ears; and the deacon from here has an impossible voice, so that I did not understand a word of the bible except, 'Martha...' The priest's robes were much too short and immense black boots protruded from underneath — but it did not make me laugh. I felt too earnest and prayed for you with all my heart.
Coming home I met the children, so I walked home with them. Oh, my Sweet One, how I miss you, those orbs, lakes, where are they to gaze into? 'I love you, I love you, 'tis all that I can say', and to be without you is really awful, my Nicky love! Our precious little girlies are my only comfort.
I was too happy to receive your telegram from Luga and kiss you for it with all my heart. Every word from you is such a comfort to a lonely heart. I have grown so accustomed to have my Huzy near me that I can't bear being without him. If you could have seen my tea table! A wee table with a glass of milk, strawberries and a few biscuits. I must quickly ring for the children and then before the dentist comes shall finish this epistle.
I went to your room to see if any papers had come and found the door locked, but the key was there. It looked beastly dreary. I told them to bring any papers sorted there and am going to lay them carefully on the chair next to your writing table. Is that right? With great difficulty and many tears I got the children out of the room, as they wished to see the dentist work on my teeth, and Olga wished to sleep with me. But I must lay my pen down and be off. Goodnight, my precious, sweetest husband. God bless and protect you, and may holy angels watch over you and guard you — I cover your sweet face with kisses; forehead, eyes and mouth, and remain ever your tenderly loving little Wify
Alix
...
I must chat with you before going to bed. Well, after I had finished my letter to you, I went to the dentist, he stopped two cavities, cleaned the teeth and treated the gums. He is coming again on Monday, as the gums need a rest. I dined alone on the balcony (with the dogs). At 8.30pm Princess Golitsyn came and I drove her with the two greys in the basket pony carriage. We went through the Alexander park, the lime tree avenue, past the mill. Just now I received the following telegram, "Amélie et moi envoyons nos plus sincères félicitations pour ce jour." Carlos. What on earth does the blooming idiot mean? Does he think that my birthday is suddenly a whole month later, July 6 instead of June 6? Don't you think it needs no answer? — I wanted to write in your room, as I saw the little green light burning, and remained here, Iman will sleep in the bedroom. Goodnight lovy, with a heavy heart. I go upstairs — sleep well doushka I kiss you and bless tenderly (20 minutes to 1, I go by-by).
June 24
Good-morning lovy! Well, both dogs slept in my room and did not move all night not even when I woke up several times and drank water. I got up at 7.30 and walked with them for an hour. Then drank my cup of coffee on the children's balcony and read the agency telegrams. I hope you don't suffer too much from the heat and the dust. This evening I shall finish this letter, so as to tell you how I spent my last day.
The letters in full:
Peterhof
June 23rd/July 6th 1900
My own precious Darling,
I must send you a letter to-day already, so as for you to receive one at Хольмъ. It was horrid having to let you go off all alone and driving away from the station I felt a nasty lump in my throat and a suspicious moisture in the eyes. So I went straight off to the little Church and felt much calmer after praying for my Darling. The service only lasted ¾ of an hour. Had you been with me, I think we should have died as there were only three men to sing. I think a gardener and lampenputzer. Each sang for himself and in another key, it was cruel to the ear, and the Diacre from here has an impossible voice, so that I did not understand a word of the bible except Марфа, and the priest's robes were much too short and immense black boots protruded from underneath. But it did not make me laugh, I felt too earnest and prayed for you with all, with all my heart. Coming home I met the Children, so I walked home with them. Then poor [illegible]'s daughter came to me — she is so brave, wretched creature.
Then I burned and painted, Schneiderlein was with me and then we lunched to-gether on the balcony. I don't separate from [illegible].
Oh, my Sweet One, how I miss you, those orbes, lakes, where are they to gaze into? I love you, I love you, 'tis all that I can say, and to be without you is really awful, my Nicky love! Our precious little girlies are my only comfort. But Iman too looks depressed and has melancholy eyes.
I drove with Lilli in my cart to see Stana for an hour and took him with me. On the whole she feels better, she showed me their little Church wh I had never seen — then I dropped Lilli at her house and went to Nadinka — poor creature, she could scarcely say anything and insists one wants to take her away and she is so frightened — poor thing, it is sad to see her so, she begged me to come again.
Returning, I saw Linden [illegible] Schlitter before the barracks. A man on a bycicle nearly flew into me, the beast tore round a corner and only just had time to shave past the carriage.
I am enchanted, every day a Feldjäger goes to Куропаткинъ so that there is a safe means to send you daily letters — this time I appreciated Janan when he told me this and brought me a printed paper.
I feel grand with the agency telegrams in my pocket. I was too happy to receive your telegram from Luga and kiss you for it with all my heart. Every word from you is such a comfort to a lonely heart. I dread the long and dreary night. I have grown so accustomed to have my huzy near me that I can't bear being without him. And I feel I must be buzy the whole time, nor to be lazy one minute, then I feel the solitude less.
If you could have seen my tea table! A wee table with a glass of milk, strawberries and a few biscuits. I must quickly ring for the Children and then before the dentist, shall finish this epistle — I hope you will received at breakfast on Sunday morning. Please congratulate Белаевъ from me and our men if you can. My thoughts will be with you the whole time, I only hope it won't be too hot. I am in despair you went off without any finatzetine but am sure Poliakof or Meyendorff have some. Tell the latter that Nadinka likes his wife.
I wonder whether you will have any bézique? I went to your room to see if any papers had come and found the door locked, but the key was there. It looked beastly dreary. I told them to bring your papers, sorted them, and am going to lay them carefully on the chair next to your writing table. Is that right?
With great difficulty and many tears I got the Children out of the room, as they wished to see the Dentist look at my teeth and Olga wished to sleep with me.
But now I must lay my pen down and be off. Good-night my precious sweetest husband. God bless and protect you, and may holy angels watch over you and guard you. + I cover your sweet face with kisses, forehead, eyes and mouth, and remain ever yr tenderly and passionately loving little Wify
Alix
It is calmer now and the water has fallen again. I am going to dine in solitary glory on the balconey and then shall drive the Pss with two horses. Fare well my Angel!
—
No. 157
Peterhof
June 24th/July 7th 1900
Darling precious One,
It is only yesterday that you left and yet it seems ages. Well, after my solitary dinner on the balconey, I drove in my cart, fetched Sonia and went to Sergiewka. Sonia drove on to Mardwinofka, where I fetched her afterwards. I have just returned and it is ten minutes to eleven and very dark and a little rainy. We sat outside, and as I was there at 9, the Children had been allowed to remain up a bit, so I hid from them twice and they were enchanted hunting for me.
Sonia hurt her foot on the stairs near the Children's balconey this afternoon and now it is quite swollen. To-morrow she will try and find somebody to rub it well, to-night she can only put a compress on. I fear it's sprained and will take a few days to heal, and she limps miserably, but happily it does not give her pain. But I must be off to bedyby, so as to get up at 7.30. Imanchik has had his milk. Sleep well and holy Angels guard thy bed. I cover you with kisses my own sweetest love whom I adore and love from the depths of my heart and soul +
June 25th — Thanks so much for you[r] dear telegrams. I can imagine how enchanted they were to see you at Хольмъ. I read the description in the agency telegrams. I love to see and hear how one advizes my huzy boy, how can it be otherwise, and how delighted they must be to have seen you, they will never forget it and "the blue lakes."
Well, I took my early walk with the 4 dogs and breakfasted on the balconey, the hothouse temperature was killing and the dogs each looked ramolished, then I painted, changed my dress and went to Church. They sand Bachmetief's Херувимская No 7 divinely, I felt sad, tearful, longed for you and thought of our poor men and families in China.
The four ladies, Loman, Alsoufief, Paretzky, Janishef and [illegible] lunched with me. It seemed so strange and unnatural without you. First I received him alone and he brought me the bouquet and [drawing of a card] and we talked after luncheon. Then I rested on the balconey upstairs and then played lawn-tennis from 3 - 5. The heat was simply killing and my brain is quite idiotic. To-day I really played well. Poor Sonia only looked on, as her foot is too swollen. Loman is going to send her the Dr of the Alexandria to look at it, as some movements hurt a good deal. She sat mostly in Church.
Georgi came a moment in full uniform to bring the medal and jeton of his regiment. He and Minny had also been feeding three of his officers.
The Children went for the whole afternoon to Sergiewka to cook and take tea on the little island.
The telegrams to-day give one a little more hope — would to God they had been spared and could be saved still. Have you any direct news from Alexeef?
But now Goodbye, Deary, I am extinguished and have no brains for writing, tho' the heart is overfull of love and devotion.
God bless you, sweet Ники, my old Лаусбубъ. For ever and ever, yr own old Wify
Alix
Above: Alexandra, year 1900.
Above: Nicholas, year 1900. Photo courtesy of Tatiana Z on Flickr.
Above: Grand Duchesses Olga, Tatiana and Maria Nikolaevna, year 1900.
Above: Peterhof Palace. Photo taken by Florstein at Wikimedia Commons.
Notes: Хольмъ = Holm.
Lampenputzer = lamp cleaner.
Diacre = Deacon.
Марфа = Martha.
Iman = Nicholas's dog.
Куропаткинъ = General Alexei Kuropatkin (1848-1925), Minister of War (1898-1904).
Белаевъ = Belyaev.
finatzetine (Phenacetin) = a pain relief medicine.
Херувимская = Cherubic Hymn.
"She sat mostly in Church" = In Russian Orthodoxy it is the norm to stand through the Service.
Georgi = Grand Duke George Mikhailovich (1863-1919), a grandson of Emperor Nicholas I. Murdered by the Bolsheviks.
Minny = Grand Duke George's wife, Princess Maria of Greece and Denmark (1876-1940).
Лаусбубъ = Lausbub (rascal).
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