A Lifelong Passion, letters and diary entries compiled by Andrei Maylunas and Sergei Mironenko
Alexandra wrote this letter to Nicholas on September 20, 1898 during a stay at Livadia Palace in the Crimea. Nicholas had left for Copenhagen to attend the funeral of his maternal grandmother, Queen Louise of Denmark. Nicholas replied in the following days, giving Alexandra updates telling her about his journey, accommodations, the funeral, and, of course, how much he missed her.
The letter:
My own precious beloved Darling
You will read these lines when the horrid train will be carrying you always further and further away from poor Wify.
Our first separation since the marriage — I am frightened of it, I cannot bear the idea of your going away so far without me. But I must not grumble Motherdear is in great sorrow and needs your comfort and your presence is also wished for by poor Apapa — what a joy still to think that you can be of use and help to others in grief. My thoughts will not forsake you for one instant and my tender prayers will surround. God bless and protect you, my own treasure, my lovy dear, and may He watch over you with his Angels.
I cannot bear to think what will become of me without you — you who are my one and all, who make up all my life. I shall write to you every day, so as that you can sometimes have a word from me when you are with all the others. It will seem to you like bygone years, only two beloved Ones are no more — how you will miss poor Amama — God help and comfort you! If they only do not keep you too long, tho' I understand poor Motherdear longing to have you near and to be able to pour out her heart to you. Kiss her fondly from me.
How horrid all will seem, so empty and sad — the nights all alone — send me a blessing before you sleep, I shall always do so for you — the winds will bring it you. Take care of yourself lovy sweet and come back well and strong to me.
It seems as tho' you should never get any quiet and rest just you who need it so much. I shall count the days and hours and may they pass as quickly as these weeks have, tho' I muchly doubt it. Oh, how I love you, my own precious Huzy dear, ever deeper, stronger, purer. I never dreamt that our married life would have been so perfect, such utter happiness your love has brought me. Our dear little Girlies will have to comfort me.
Oh, Nicky, my Manny, this separation is hard, and I did want you to rest and us to live a quiet life of love. If I only knew whether something is beginning with me or not. God grant it may be so, I long for it and so does my Huzy too, I think. Our last night together, and then all alone for two long weeks — but I am selfish to grumble and make you still sadder. Your journey is hard enough and the arrival will be awful, and I shall not be near you to kiss and comfort you and hold you tight in my loving arms.
I shall often telegraph you out of the 'Unicode' and on the journey too, to tell you how we got back here, and you will too sometimes, won't you — letters I shall send daily to Bernsdorff and then Libau on the way home, it will be a comfort to write to you, I am too much accustomed to tell you every trifle, that I cannot suddenly stop doing so. I shall sleep in your cabin on the Standart and feel nearer your heart and thoughts then, my own adored Nicky love.
Oh my 'dushka', to see your dear big sad eyes makes me wretched — ach, why cannot I go with you — but [what] was I to do with Irène who had made that long journey on purpose so as to see me before her great voyage. My absence won't be regretted there by any of the rest, as I am still somewhat a stranger amongst them all — and now they want to have only those there whom they were accustomed to see around poor Amama. Goodbye now my angel, my own true love, my joy, my Nicky, I kiss you and kiss you, your own Wify for ever and ever.
Nicholas's replies:
September 22
My own beloved sweet Wify,
I cannot thank you enough for your tender dear long letter which you left me in the train. I read it after I lost sight of the launch that was taking you away on board the yacht. That was a horrid moment. Did you see me wave my cap out of the window? I followed you until you got into the boat but after that I lost sight of you in the dark. I stood there at the window until we passed Inkerman, where the bells were ringing. The moon shone beautifully and the harbour looked too lovely with the lit up ships — especially the Standart. I just got your first dear telegram from Livadia, it is comforting to know you safely at home!
God grant I may meet you there as quickly as possible. After all it is a long journey. How sad I am not to see your sweet beloved face — I cannot tell you. It is true, we are so accustomed to being constantly together, that now we are separated, I feel lost. Have you been unwell or not?
September 23
Deary mine! Yesterday I walked at one of the stations, where we got out then together and gathered small shells off the ground. The shells and a tiny doll of the children's remained in your cabin here on the table. I like to look at them because they remind me of my Wify. In the evenings (you were right in saying that) I feel still more lost and lonely. Iman and I we wander about our carriage and sit on your bed and think of those we have left behind! I read a good deal, otherwise I play Besique with Fatty while the other four play vindt. It is beastly cold and raining outside, such a difference from what we had in Livadia. All the trees are so yellow and in general everything looks dreary without my own beloved darling.
Not for a second does the vision of your angelic face leave my mind and whatever I do, I always think you are somewhere near me! In the evenings we sit together and play cards, like in the afternoons — it happens to me even then to feel my eyes suddenly become moist and a lump rise in my throat, all that because poor Huzy is alone! Alone!
September 24
We have just arrived at Libau — it is fine but cold and rather windy; but what does it all matter since my sweety is not with me. I am writing to you now in my cabin on board the dear Polar Star — the two little inscriptions on the windows have remained as they were. My darling — I miss you so dreadfully and I am so jealous of the Feldjäger who is bringing this letter — that he will see you, my adored Wify!
Please excuse this stupid letter of mine, my darling, but as it was begun three days ago it is difficult to continue in the same swing.
I love you, I love you, pray for you and think of you night and day. I kiss you and Olga and Tatiana tenderly. Give my love to Irène and my compliments to everyone.
Ever your own truly loving Huzy Nicky
God bless you and the children!
September 26/27
Here I am, arrived at last after that endless voyage by rail and sea, sitting at the same table as two years ago, in the big middle room, which was our sitting room then in 1896. This is my room now, Aunt Thyra is my neighbour to the right (Mama's old room) and Aunt Alix is to left in our bedroom! Everything reminds me so painfully of my sweet little Wify, that I could cry, knowing you to be so far away.
The yacht anchored at a place near Copenhagen called 'Bellevue' — a small pier and a few houses. My astonishment was great when on landing I was met by dear Apapa, Mama and the whole family. They all looked more cheery and less worn out than I imagined. As soon as we drove up to the house, they led me into the bedroom where stands the coffin, shut up, and surrounded by masses of flowers and wreaths which looks very pretty. Still I must say it seems sad to me to think that the body does not remain in a church near by — I think it would be preferable in every respect. Poor Apapa looks remarkably fresh, he goes into that room constantly and then takes long long walks — to which of course the family accompanies him.
The reason of the delay of the funeral is that everything concerning the burial, black cloth garments, catafalque etc. have been lost in a fire that occurred some 12 years ago and the ceremonials have disappeared! Apapa wants the funeral to be a state ceremony and they therefore need such a long time to get these preparations ready. When I come back I shall tell all I have heard from Mama and the others about poor Amama's last days — touchingly sad!!
This instant they brought me your sweet long letter. I thank you from my heart for every line of love in it and for the flower. Yesterday on arriving here I already found your dear letter from on board the Standart, I think, N140. Today I received N141.
My sweet darling I love you too madly and deeply for words.
Nicky
September 28
When I see all the other young couples together I feel so forlorn and out of the place. But I am quite sure that not one of those husbands loves his wife so strongly and devotedly as I love my Alix!
Your name is continually used here (Aunt Alix and little Alix of Cumberland) and that makes me start up every time and gives me a shock. Fancy Boysy is so sad that he is alone, that it has made me forget about his very existence. He sends his respects to lady. ...
I never cease praying for you and our sweet little daughters and every night in my bed I send you three my fondest kisses and blessings.
Ever your own truly loving and passionately devoted old lausbub and Huzy
Nicky
Above: Nicholas and Alexandra, year 1898.
Above: Grand Duchesses Olga and Tatiana Nikolaevna, year 1898.
Above: Dowager Empress Marie Feodorovna, formerly Princess Dagmar of Denmark (1847-1928), Nicholas's mother and Alexandra's mother-in-law.
Above: Queen Louise of Denmark (1817-1898), Marie Feodorovna's mother and Nicholas's grandmother.
Above: King Christian IX of Denmark (1818-1906), Marie Feodorovna's father and Nicholas's grandfather.
Above: Princess Alexandra "Alix" of Wales, future Queen of England and former Princess of Denmark (1844-1925), Nicholas's aunt and also Alexandra Feodorovna's aunt.
Above: Thyra, Duchess of Cumberland, former Princess of Denmark (1853-1933), Nicholas's aunt.
Above: Princess Alexandra "Alix" of Cumberland (1882-1963), Nicholas's cousin.
Above: Bernstorff Palace in Gentofte near Copenhagen in Denmark.
Alexandra wrote this letter to Nicholas on September 20, 1898 during a stay at Livadia Palace in the Crimea. Nicholas had left for Copenhagen to attend the funeral of his maternal grandmother, Queen Louise of Denmark. Nicholas replied in the following days, giving Alexandra updates telling her about his journey, accommodations, the funeral, and, of course, how much he missed her.
The letter:
My own precious beloved Darling
You will read these lines when the horrid train will be carrying you always further and further away from poor Wify.
Our first separation since the marriage — I am frightened of it, I cannot bear the idea of your going away so far without me. But I must not grumble Motherdear is in great sorrow and needs your comfort and your presence is also wished for by poor Apapa — what a joy still to think that you can be of use and help to others in grief. My thoughts will not forsake you for one instant and my tender prayers will surround. God bless and protect you, my own treasure, my lovy dear, and may He watch over you with his Angels.
I cannot bear to think what will become of me without you — you who are my one and all, who make up all my life. I shall write to you every day, so as that you can sometimes have a word from me when you are with all the others. It will seem to you like bygone years, only two beloved Ones are no more — how you will miss poor Amama — God help and comfort you! If they only do not keep you too long, tho' I understand poor Motherdear longing to have you near and to be able to pour out her heart to you. Kiss her fondly from me.
How horrid all will seem, so empty and sad — the nights all alone — send me a blessing before you sleep, I shall always do so for you — the winds will bring it you. Take care of yourself lovy sweet and come back well and strong to me.
It seems as tho' you should never get any quiet and rest just you who need it so much. I shall count the days and hours and may they pass as quickly as these weeks have, tho' I muchly doubt it. Oh, how I love you, my own precious Huzy dear, ever deeper, stronger, purer. I never dreamt that our married life would have been so perfect, such utter happiness your love has brought me. Our dear little Girlies will have to comfort me.
Oh, Nicky, my Manny, this separation is hard, and I did want you to rest and us to live a quiet life of love. If I only knew whether something is beginning with me or not. God grant it may be so, I long for it and so does my Huzy too, I think. Our last night together, and then all alone for two long weeks — but I am selfish to grumble and make you still sadder. Your journey is hard enough and the arrival will be awful, and I shall not be near you to kiss and comfort you and hold you tight in my loving arms.
I shall often telegraph you out of the 'Unicode' and on the journey too, to tell you how we got back here, and you will too sometimes, won't you — letters I shall send daily to Bernsdorff and then Libau on the way home, it will be a comfort to write to you, I am too much accustomed to tell you every trifle, that I cannot suddenly stop doing so. I shall sleep in your cabin on the Standart and feel nearer your heart and thoughts then, my own adored Nicky love.
Oh my 'dushka', to see your dear big sad eyes makes me wretched — ach, why cannot I go with you — but [what] was I to do with Irène who had made that long journey on purpose so as to see me before her great voyage. My absence won't be regretted there by any of the rest, as I am still somewhat a stranger amongst them all — and now they want to have only those there whom they were accustomed to see around poor Amama. Goodbye now my angel, my own true love, my joy, my Nicky, I kiss you and kiss you, your own Wify for ever and ever.
Nicholas's replies:
September 22
My own beloved sweet Wify,
I cannot thank you enough for your tender dear long letter which you left me in the train. I read it after I lost sight of the launch that was taking you away on board the yacht. That was a horrid moment. Did you see me wave my cap out of the window? I followed you until you got into the boat but after that I lost sight of you in the dark. I stood there at the window until we passed Inkerman, where the bells were ringing. The moon shone beautifully and the harbour looked too lovely with the lit up ships — especially the Standart. I just got your first dear telegram from Livadia, it is comforting to know you safely at home!
God grant I may meet you there as quickly as possible. After all it is a long journey. How sad I am not to see your sweet beloved face — I cannot tell you. It is true, we are so accustomed to being constantly together, that now we are separated, I feel lost. Have you been unwell or not?
September 23
Deary mine! Yesterday I walked at one of the stations, where we got out then together and gathered small shells off the ground. The shells and a tiny doll of the children's remained in your cabin here on the table. I like to look at them because they remind me of my Wify. In the evenings (you were right in saying that) I feel still more lost and lonely. Iman and I we wander about our carriage and sit on your bed and think of those we have left behind! I read a good deal, otherwise I play Besique with Fatty while the other four play vindt. It is beastly cold and raining outside, such a difference from what we had in Livadia. All the trees are so yellow and in general everything looks dreary without my own beloved darling.
Not for a second does the vision of your angelic face leave my mind and whatever I do, I always think you are somewhere near me! In the evenings we sit together and play cards, like in the afternoons — it happens to me even then to feel my eyes suddenly become moist and a lump rise in my throat, all that because poor Huzy is alone! Alone!
September 24
We have just arrived at Libau — it is fine but cold and rather windy; but what does it all matter since my sweety is not with me. I am writing to you now in my cabin on board the dear Polar Star — the two little inscriptions on the windows have remained as they were. My darling — I miss you so dreadfully and I am so jealous of the Feldjäger who is bringing this letter — that he will see you, my adored Wify!
Please excuse this stupid letter of mine, my darling, but as it was begun three days ago it is difficult to continue in the same swing.
I love you, I love you, pray for you and think of you night and day. I kiss you and Olga and Tatiana tenderly. Give my love to Irène and my compliments to everyone.
Ever your own truly loving Huzy Nicky
God bless you and the children!
September 26/27
Here I am, arrived at last after that endless voyage by rail and sea, sitting at the same table as two years ago, in the big middle room, which was our sitting room then in 1896. This is my room now, Aunt Thyra is my neighbour to the right (Mama's old room) and Aunt Alix is to left in our bedroom! Everything reminds me so painfully of my sweet little Wify, that I could cry, knowing you to be so far away.
The yacht anchored at a place near Copenhagen called 'Bellevue' — a small pier and a few houses. My astonishment was great when on landing I was met by dear Apapa, Mama and the whole family. They all looked more cheery and less worn out than I imagined. As soon as we drove up to the house, they led me into the bedroom where stands the coffin, shut up, and surrounded by masses of flowers and wreaths which looks very pretty. Still I must say it seems sad to me to think that the body does not remain in a church near by — I think it would be preferable in every respect. Poor Apapa looks remarkably fresh, he goes into that room constantly and then takes long long walks — to which of course the family accompanies him.
The reason of the delay of the funeral is that everything concerning the burial, black cloth garments, catafalque etc. have been lost in a fire that occurred some 12 years ago and the ceremonials have disappeared! Apapa wants the funeral to be a state ceremony and they therefore need such a long time to get these preparations ready. When I come back I shall tell all I have heard from Mama and the others about poor Amama's last days — touchingly sad!!
This instant they brought me your sweet long letter. I thank you from my heart for every line of love in it and for the flower. Yesterday on arriving here I already found your dear letter from on board the Standart, I think, N140. Today I received N141.
My sweet darling I love you too madly and deeply for words.
Nicky
September 28
When I see all the other young couples together I feel so forlorn and out of the place. But I am quite sure that not one of those husbands loves his wife so strongly and devotedly as I love my Alix!
Your name is continually used here (Aunt Alix and little Alix of Cumberland) and that makes me start up every time and gives me a shock. Fancy Boysy is so sad that he is alone, that it has made me forget about his very existence. He sends his respects to lady. ...
I never cease praying for you and our sweet little daughters and every night in my bed I send you three my fondest kisses and blessings.
Ever your own truly loving and passionately devoted old lausbub and Huzy
Nicky
Above: Nicholas and Alexandra, year 1898.
Above: Grand Duchesses Olga and Tatiana Nikolaevna, year 1898.
Above: Dowager Empress Marie Feodorovna, formerly Princess Dagmar of Denmark (1847-1928), Nicholas's mother and Alexandra's mother-in-law.
Above: Queen Louise of Denmark (1817-1898), Marie Feodorovna's mother and Nicholas's grandmother.
Above: King Christian IX of Denmark (1818-1906), Marie Feodorovna's father and Nicholas's grandfather.
Above: Princess Alexandra "Alix" of Wales, future Queen of England and former Princess of Denmark (1844-1925), Nicholas's aunt and also Alexandra Feodorovna's aunt.
Above: Thyra, Duchess of Cumberland, former Princess of Denmark (1853-1933), Nicholas's aunt.
Above: Princess Alexandra "Alix" of Cumberland (1882-1963), Nicholas's cousin.
Above: Bernstorff Palace in Gentofte near Copenhagen in Denmark.
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