Sources:
Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 160 to 163, by George Hawkins, 2023
George Hawkins at Letters and writings of Nicholas II and his family on Facebook
The letter excerpt:
... God only knows the power of my love for you, it passes words, it is so great and almost overpowers me. You are wherever I look, always before me and in my heart engraved. To look into yr eyes is never to forget them, my many's lovely big eyes, so tender and loving, so kind and gentle, so adorable. And our evenings, thank you sweet one for having always come. I shall look back upon them and long for them over again. How patient and kind you were with me when I was stupied and tired — if you only knew how that constant pain wearies you, it is terrible. I was furious with myself for being to ramolie, but you were dearly kind to me and never grumbled.
What shall I do now all alone till 2, I shall feel so lonely and lost. My manykins you sweet beloved one, how I adore you!
We have just had our little breakfast to-gether and you have left for Church — no, what an angel you looked in yr naval dress and that is how my sweety runs about on board, bless him. Madelaine screams it is 20 m to 10 and Sundays Granny is punctual and I am not washed or any thing, tata for now... Only this still, I love you, my many, more than words can express and daily my affection grows stronger and deeper, sweety, what will be the end?
The letter in full:
No 47
Sunday July 22nd 1894
My own precious darling Nicky dear,
As I left you a few lines in yr room at Coburg so that you should find them when I was gone, so I am going to write again and give this to yr servant to give you when you have parted. It makes me too miserable to think of it — to-morrow evening, good-bye! Oh, sweety love, what shall I do without you, I am so accustomed now to have you always near me, that I shall feel quite lost, lovy mine. God bless you, may He watch over you on yr voyage and bring you safe home to yr belongings. You must tell yr Mama too how awfully happy we were that she wished you to go to yr Uncle's Silver Wedding as it thus enabled us to spend two more days to-gether. I hear them getting breakfast ready next door for my boysy sweet before he goes down to Church. Next year at this time, so God wills, I shall always go with you and then belong to you more than ever and you will help me to understand all, and to love yr religion as you do.
I am too happy to have been on the Полярная Звезда as now I can picture you to myself when you are there. Oh, Nicky mine, my thoughts will follow you and you will feel yr guardian angel hovering round you, though we be parted, our hearts and minds are not — we are linked to-gether with invisible light chains and nothing can tare us assunder. I think saying Good-bye is one of the hardest moments in our existence — to smile whilst one's heart is nigh breaking. I cannot bear to think of it. Oh, Nicky sweet, how I long for you, daily more and more, with unending true devotion — better far than I can say. I can only repeat it over and over again — I love you, I love you, I love you, adore and honour you and pray to God to make me more worthy of you, so that you may never find a reason to regret having taken yr little Spitzbub, who is so deeply and truly devoted [to] you. God only knows the power of my love for you, it passes words, it is so great and almost overpowers me. You are wherever I look, always before me and in my heart engraved. To look into yr eyes is never to forget them, my many's lovely big eyes, so tender and loving, so kind and gentle, so adorable. And our evenings, thank you sweet one for having always come. I shall look back upon them and long for them over again. How patient and kind you were with me when I was stupied and tired — if you only knew how that constant pain wearies you, it is terrible. I was furious with myself for being to ramolie, but you were dearly kind to me and never grumbled.
What shall I do now all alone till 2, I shall feel so lonely and lost. My manykins you sweet beloved one, how I adore you!
We have just had our little breakfast to-gether and you have left for Church — no, what an angel you looked in yr naval dress and that is how my sweety runs about on board, bless him. Madelaine screams it is 20 m to 10 and Sundays Granny is punctual and I am not washed or any thing, tata for now... Only this still, I love you, my many, more than words can express and daily my affection grows stronger and deeper, sweety, what will be the end?
Oh sweety, how could you go and give me that lovely ring to-day, really too bad of you. I shall doubly value and love it having received it from you in yr own little cabin on board. To think that my darling will be soon there, sailing far away from his little girly. Could I but slip into yr pocket instead of the thermometer, what unspeakable joy, to be ever near you and watch for every little wish to try and fulfil it, but some day I may do it, and then no more parting, always with you, Precious Pet in thought I cover yr sweet face with kisses and peep and gaze into my lovie's glorious eyes. Oh, my own sweetykins, I love you, love you madly, passionately, I cannot tire saying it, too long I have kept it back. Walton helped us to overcome our shyness, did it not? And so I shall always love the dear Elmgrove and my little room there. I kiss you lovie. Don't think this letter mad, but I must write this, my heart is too full, oh, and how I dread our parting, to-morrow the last day, I could cry my eyes out at the mere idea.
By braking yr journey at Copenhagen it will enable us to hear sooner from each other wh is one great thing, yr letters will be my only joy and I shall count the hours till they come. Oh but could I always keep you, you know how much I want it, and still I beg our Wedding not to be hurried — lovie with others it is different, I must know more Russian on account of the Religion to belong to yr faith not to understand as much as possible would never do. I shall learn hard and do my utmost. Why what wld I not do all for you, my own beloved boysy dear, my good, kind angel dear, who is always the same loving, honest, true, dear and kind to the extreme. God bless you for all the unspeakable happiness you have given me. How I shall meet your sweet evening's blessing, but our prayers will meet and our thoughts. I can imagine the happiness of all at home when you return — kiss all dears from me most tenderly. How lovely the sea looked this evening when we sat out on the beach, all so peaceful and quiet, a real Sunday evening.
It is a comfort possessing so many sweet photos of you — they surround me and look so sweet even that noughty young artillery officer! Oh, bad boysy, how you do spoil me — there, you have gone and given me that glorious brooch and the pearl drops, a thing I have always longed for, but still much too good for me, the ring was not enough, he must go and give me that, the bad child — it is too lovely, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for it, sweety dear, it has made me awfully happy. And now you have gone and given me that other glorious brooch with the two pearl drops. I felt quite shy wearing it to-night.
July 23rd. I felt too wretched and sad last night, our last evening to-gether. I longed to have kept you for ever clasped in my arms and to have let you sleep on and to have watched over you, so peaceful and calm, such love, I longed to have covered yr face with kisses for ever and ever. If you only could half feel what you are to me! I cannot describe it, words fail me, but I love you, love you. Adorable one, now comes the last sheet, our last day. I don't know how to keep up, and yet I must do so. It hurts having to look unconcerned and smiling when one's heart feels rent in twain. To think that to-morrow at this time you will be far away from me out on the big sea, steaming homewards and yr little bride left behind, yearning after you — how anxiously I shall await the telegram from Copenhagen saying my boy dear has arrived safely. I hope you will get a letter every day there and then find some at home. My Boysy dear, with what passion I love you, like a fire burning and consuming me and to feel this love returned, what bliss could be greater?
When a man goes in to wake you to-morrow morning, I hope he will bring you this so that at least a good morning kiss may reach you. I press it here.
Think of our next meeting, then it will be better, every day one shorter and will bring us sooner to-gether. My thoughts will always be with you and I shall hover round you, now that I know the yacht I can picture you to myself there. And the officers I am sure will be nice and cheer you up. How dear of you to give Madelaine that lovely bracelet, you do spoil every one so much. Like in Coburg the last day we were photographed to-gether, so we are done to-gether to-day.
Now sweetest love, my own precious Darling, I must say Goodbye, Auf Wiedersehen. God bless you with His infinite grace. Many tender kisses and fond prayers for your happiness and wellfare and god speed.
Yr own deeply loving, ever truly devoted and tenderly affectionate little bride
Alix
Above: Nicholas and Alix.
Notes: Полярная Звезда = Polar Star.
ramolie = exhausted.
No comments:
Post a Comment