Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 1: Princess of Hesse, 1872-1893, pages 329 to 331, by George Hawkins, 2023
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The letter:
PALAIS EDINBURGH
COBURG
This sad Wednesday.
Apr. 20/May 2 1894.
№ I.
My sweet darling beloved Alix!
Oh! it was too awful saying good-bye like that with a lot of people looking on from all sides! I shall never forget the sweet & yet smiling expression of your angelic face looking out of the window as the train was beginning to move! To know that you had to spend 9 hours in that small compartment nearly by yourself — was cruel to me & especially the thought that I was of no help any more!
The coming home was more than unpleasant and when I came into my room, where you had just been a few minutes before, I could not keep back my tears. But then oh! what a delightful surprise — on my table in the bed-room there lay a note from you, my darling little girl. Thank you & thank you for the soothing comforting words that you wrote in it. Oh! really those few lines did me good! Certainly, my love, I shall speak with Papa about that question, and I beg you always to remember that in everything, where you shall need my help, you may be sure that I shall be there by your side & that also a deeply loving and thankful heart where ever it is, will always beat in time with your's, my sweet one.
All these days I was so overcome with joy and happiness, being by my darling's side, that I could not say or tell you the hundredth part of what I might have spoken. I feel very deeply and then I cannot get the words out; it is stupid & tiresome, but so it is. I hope that this shyness or whatever it is will pass, for next time we meet we shall know more of each other than in the beginning. Oh! how impatient I am for the moment when I can again press my lips to your sweet soft face! Alix, my own darling, you don't know how you have changed me by stretching out a fond hand & by making me rise up to you — the emblem of real pure love & faith! No! do not think that these are vain words, no they come from my innermost feeling of admiration, trust & love that you have inspired me with.
I must again repeat the same words I told you my precious little girl, the day of our engagement, that all my life belonged to you and that I could never be enough thankful to you dearest, for all you have done, are doing & are going to do, for me! May God help & protect you on the difficult beginning of your path! My prayers, blessings & thoughts are constantly with my darling little thing! — Of course they all went to Rosenau and I was dragged with the rest. Ella & Sandro drove in our pony-carriage with Caesar, I went in the linéika. We drove up past the festung, and then our nice road along the hill down to Rosenau where we took tea. Before that we took a walk, I saw our bench where the hare came over, then I went along the stream, looked at the grotto, found these primroses on the side of the hill — and felt suddenly that I loved that place dearly! The weather was too fine for the occasion, the sun was bright, but I was so lonely!!! — I do hope the passage was a smooth one & that my sweet little owl did not suffer & is not too much tried by her journey. Give my best love to Granny.
And now good-bye my own darling beloved Alix. God bless you once more! + душка!
Ever & for ever your own deeply loving &
thankful Nicky
to Madeleine.
Above: Nicholas and Alix.
Note: Festung = fortress.
"tried" = tired.
душка = darling.
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