Alexandra's letter to Ernst, dated April 17/30, 1915

Alexandra wrote this letter to her brother Ernst on April 17/30, 1915.

Source:

mashkaromanova on Tumblr (see source for annotations)

https://mashkaromanova.tumblr.com/post/184547001305/alexandra-feodorovna-with-wounded-officers-1915

The letter:

My beloved Ernie dear,
I have just now received yr precious letter through Daisy. N. is away & wont return before 4 days, so shall send this to your Gentleman & ask him not to wait. Alas, there is nothing to be done, & from this side one cannot begin. One can only pray that this heartrending bloodshed may soon end. Deary, you are mistaken, it is grossly exagerated 500,000 prisoners, why the losses of dead & prisoners only make that about. But we shall not go into any details — it all hurts too much for words. —

Yes, our love will never change, & we feel that & our prayers for each other continue. Tell Moritz (Riedesel, Oberstallmeister) I pray morning & evening for his boys — one poor dear alas has fallen. One’s heart bleeds — the whole world sorrows. Certainly all the best sides are brought to the front. Its difficult writing, the heart is too full — & there are things wh. hurt beyond words — & I thank God your dear men are on the other side — they would never be cruel, as the Pr. are. —

Beloved Boy, heart & soul think of you & yr precious family — am sure sweet Onor is perfection & the real mother to your people — understand all you go through. — Only in prayer & work one can get on.

Since the very beginning the two big girls & I went through a course of Sisters passed our exams & nurse the wounded, clean, tend & bind their wounds & give the instruments at operations & amputations. I have been 6 weeks quite ill again now & miss my work, & twice before was long laid up with my heart — one forgets everything in looking after those heroes & their appalling wounds & then my health invariably breaks down — but the girlies work on.

We have masses to do — they too have their committees at wh. they preside — visit hospitals daily & work every morning in our hospital. (Ella works hard with her committees, shall send her your letter — have not seen her since Dec: we are all too buisy). Sister Olga we have not seen since the beginning, she is away working hard with her hospital. — Marie too. All are working in unison, big & small. —

This being cut off from each other is fearful, but its true one does not know what to write one does not wish to hurt each other involuntarily. But our hearts beat together. — As yours stand firm, so do ours. The Children keep well. — Yes, all seems like a horrible dream! Thank God Papa did not live to see all — all against each other, friends & relations on all sides. — Yes, one daily learns from those brave fellows — never a complaint, stoically resignedly hearing all — only longing to get quicker back again. I pittied one fellow once, he suffered so — he answered me — its nothing, Christ suffered, so we must to; always such answers — such deep, deep faith. I receive lovely letters fr. the soldiers of all different regiments out at the front, thanking for things, & they write so beautiful letters sometimes & so sure. —

And the bravery, heroism of wives, widows, mothers who loose son after the other, — & never a complaint! Our dear 'Monkey' Бутаков, fell before V. — Many a dear friend has gone — but their deaths are glorious & yonder they are all together, no strife, no difference, all fell for their countries & are heroes around God’s throne. All sides are sure of success — all sides think alike — some have luck at first, others at the end - so one can say nothing — all lies in God’s hands & He will decide aright. —

I am glad you say its rubbish about hunger — because alas our prisoners, in some places have scarcely any food they write. In some places well cared for, in others not — their families send money, they never get it. Of course all depends upon the individual at the head — who is more humane, who less. All sides have their faults. One could write on for days, — but no good — this is to be a letter of love and full understanding. How one’s heart is torn, you know — & to hear nothing from home is awful — but one puts ones trust in God.

— When he returns I shall give him your dear letter to read. — To all at home my endless love. Thank Toots for her letter. Poor Toni Ehrhardt — Pollie (v. Ungern-Sternberg) — I live through all with them in prayer. — Shall send this letter through Daisy to your Gentleman — think its safest.

Goodbye my Ernie, my very own Brother, precious Treasure. I bless & kiss you four with my fervour & tenderness — my thoughts so constantly wonder to the Rosenhöhe, one lives in the past & present. — In his name I kiss you, as I know he would. — May God on high hearken unto all prayers — we all suffer & trust unto His mercy. — Know, my Boy, that when you wander alone, Sunny is near you, sharing yr sorrow. — Her wee old home is never forgotten tho’ she is entirely one with her new one. —

Onor & I know more than ever now, what it is to be the Mother to all & to see, hear & daily feel it — the heart goes out in boundless love to those tender, trusting, grateful hearts — yes, we women have now so much to give & proove. Once more God bless & protect you now & ever. A long kiss, love fr. yr. old Sunny. [P. S.] The Children kiss you 4 tenderly. — V[ictoria]. & all are well — she lives at Kent House.

Above: Alexandra in her nurse's uniform.

Above: Ernst.