Source:
A Lifelong Passion, letters compiled in this book by Andrei Maylunas and Sergei Mironenko
1. From Grand Duchess Elisaveta "Ella" to Nicholas, dated October 20, 1893
"Dearest Nicky,
Here is at last my letter about Pelly I. He is just as ever no changement and you remember our conversations before, well I wish you to know all perfectly clearly, after different conversations he gave in to see Pelly II but wishing her to understand that in spite of the depth and unaltering sentiment he has not the courage to change his r only I repeated that Pelly II longed to see him and speak it out -- well dear much hope there is not and he begs me to tell you not to misunderstand him but that my idea is that seeing Pelly II talking with her perhaps God will give him the courage to do a thing for love which now seems to him impossible. I don't mention the Pellys' names as really one never knows if the post does not read the letters and as I know how important and what deep interest you take in their fate I write thus. Please tell Pelly's parents all I say so that in case (God grant it may not be so) nothing comes of their meeting they may not reprove Pelly I of having given false hopes. I promised to write all as it is and hope you understand, in spite of all I hope that love may conquer and be too strong and his love is so deep and pure and the poor creature so utterly miserable that it makes ones heart ache that R should come between, they must both pray, and oh I do so hope as all other difficulties have passed.
If Pelly II consents telegraph to me all right then Sergei will write to the person who invited for Easter and we would go together to pay a visit and meet Pelly II there. You must answer directly. Pelly II might do as if she were travelling in different towns or simply pay a visit of congratulations as they are reigning now, papers will always talk if they meet or do not meet so that must not be the trouble. May I now say my opinion this is her last and only chance she must come now or it is a finished thing forever whereas if they meet who knows it is so difficult to refuse accepting the only being you love since years for whom the heart has been suffering to be separated. Pelly I said he would die for his love and if they speak perhaps the real barrier which has kept them apart will melt before the words of love from Pelly II don't you hope so and pray so for their happiness may God bless those poor darlings.
Ask the Father Ioann of Kronstadt to come and see Pelly II bless her and pray with her she wants God's help more than ever usually in life please please do tell her so now dear courage to speak to her and say all and may she come and we meet her soon. Kind messages from all to you, and a hearty kiss from your old friend and Aunt Ella."
2. From Alix to Xenia (one of Nicholas's two sisters), dated November 8, 1893.
"Darling Xenia,
A good kiss and fondest thanks for your dear letter.
It was such a pleasure hearing again from you. Yes, do continue writing to me, don't let what I am going to tell you, put a stop to our friendship and correspondence. My photo and a letter I have sent through Ella to Nicky. In it he will see, that I cannot change my decision, -- I cannot become untrue to my own confession -- do not believe that my love is less, why that has made it so far more hard and difficult to me, and I have been torturing myself. To hurt one whom one loves is fearful, and yet I don't want him to go on hoping, as I can never change my Religion. God bless the dear, and may he not think ill of his old Pelly. I feel too upset to write any more.
Your old Alix
Let me hear sometimes from you, may I? Don't let us quite drift apart, that would be too hard."
3. From Alix to Nicholas, dated November 8, 1893 (same day as above letter)
"Dearest Nicky,
I send you my very best thanks for your dear letter, and enclose the photograph you wished to have and which Ella will forward to you.
I believe it must have been a stronger will than ours which ordained that we should not meet at Coburg, for like this it gives me the chance to write to you all my innermost feelings which perhaps on the spur of the moment I might not have said, so that you may have misunderstood me.
You know what my feelings are as Ella has told them to you already, but I feel it my duty to tell them to you myself. I thought everything for a long time, and I only beg you not to think that I take it lightly for it grieves me terribly and makes me very unhappy.
I have tried to look at it in every light that is possible, but I always return to one thing. I cannot do it against my conscience. You, dear Nicky, who have also such a strong belief will understand me that I think it is a sin to change my belief, and I should be miserable all the days of my life, knowing that I had done a wrongful thing.
I am certain that you would not wish me to change against my conviction. What happiness can come from a marriage which begins without the real blessing of God? For I feel it a sin to change that belief in which I have been brought up and which I love. I should never find my peace of mind again, and like that I should never be your real companion who should help you on in life; for there always should be something between us two, in my not having the real conviction of the belief I had taken, and in the regret for the one I had left.
It would be acting a lie to you, your Religion and to God. This is my feeling of right and wrong, and one's innermost religious convictions and one's peace of conscience toward God before all one's earthly wishes. As all these years have not made it possible to change my resolution in acting thus, I feel that now is the moment to tell you again that I can never change my confession.
I am certain that you will understand this clearly and see as I do, that we are only torturing ourselves, about something impossible and it would not be a kindness to let you go on having vain hopes, which will never be realized.
And now Goodbye my darling Nicky, and may God bless and protect you.
Ever your loving Alix"
4. From Nicholas to Alix, dated December 17, 1893
"My dearest Alix
Please excuse my not having answered your letter sooner, but you may well imagine what a blow it proved to me.
I could not write to you all these days on account of the sad state of mind I was in. Now that my restlessness has passed I feel more calm and am able to answer your letter quietly. Let me thank you first of all for the frank and open way in which you spoke to me in that letter! There is nothing worse in the world than things misunderstood and not brought to the point.
I knew from the beginning what an obstacle there rose between us and I felt so deeply for you all these years, knowing perfectly the great difficulties you would have had to overcome! But still it is so awfully hard, when you have cherished a dream for many a year and think -- now you are near to its being realized -- then suddenly the curtain is drawn and -- you see only an empty space and feel oh! so lonely and so beaten down!!
I cannot deny the reasons you give me, dear Alix; but I have got one which is also true: you hardly know the depth of our religion. If you only could have learnt it with somebody, who knows it, and could have read books, where you might see the likeness and difference of the two -- perhaps then! it would not have troubled you in the same way as it does now!
Your living quite alone without anyone's help in such a matter, is also a sad circumstance in the barrier that apparently stands between us! It is too sad for words to know what that barrier is -- religion!
Don't you think, dearest, that the five years, since we know each other, have passed in vain and with no result? Certainly not -- for me at least. And how am I to change my feelings after waiting and wishing for so long, even now after that sad letter you sent me? I trust in God's mercy; maybe it is His will that we both, but you especially should suffer long -- maybe after helping us through all these miseries and trials -- He will yet guide my darling along the path that I daily pray for!
Oh! do not say 'no' directly, my dearest Alix, do not ruin my life already! Do you think there can exist any happiness in the whole world without you! After having involuntarily! kept me waiting and hoping, can this end in such a way?
Oh! do not get angry with me if I am beginning to say silly things, though I promised in this letter to be calm! Your heart is too kind not to understand what tortures I am going through now.
But I have spoken enough and must end this epistle of mine. Thank you so much for your charming photo.
Let me wish, dearest Alix, that the coming Year may bring you peace, happiness, comfort and the fulfilment of your wishes. God bless you and protect you!
Ever your loving and devoted Nicky"
Above: Ella, year 1891.
Above: Nicholas, year 1893.
Above: Alix, year 1894.
Note: Pelly was a private nickname Nicholas and Alix used for each other during their courtship years. Nicholas was Pelly 2 and Alix was Pelly 1, together they were "the Pelly Party". In Ella's letter to Nicky, she switches their gender pronouns so as to keep the secrecy of the nickname intact.
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