http://www.alexanderpalace.org/palace/2anna1.html
The excerpts:
... The heir's disease was a hard blow for the Tsar and the Tsarina. It won't be an exaggeration to say that her son's disease told badly on the Tsarina's health and she could never get rid of the feeling that she was responsible for her son's illness. ...
I remember a beautiful angelic-looking child with golden hair and charming meaningful eyes. But the slightest injure caused bruises all over his body. The heir was very well looked after and guarded but it didn't always help as the child was very lively and when he hurt himself he cried the whole nights through.
I remember the Tsarina was always anxious when some important foreign visitor was expected — she tried hard to make Aleksey look a healthy child. At first they kept his disease secret as all hoped for his recovering. Once, just before the Kaiser was to arrive, the boy fell down in spite of all the precautions and got a big bruise on his forehead. Of course, the Kaiser understood at once what the matter was as his brother's (Prince Henry) two or three sons suffered of the same disease. ...
Religion and love for music brought the Empress and myself close together. We often played the piano in four hands or sang in duet. The Tsarina possessed a beautiful low voice and I had a high soprano ... The Tsarina had a good ear for music. Just one glance at the notes was enough for her to play or sing the music. Professor Iretskaya used to say that the Tsarina could have earned a good living by singing. The Tsar ... didn't approve of the Tsarina's singing.
Another thing that brought us close to each other were the Tsarina's children. And when after my divorce I was invited to serve in the Palace again my first joy was to visit the nursery. I didn't serve for money and I must say I was for the Empress her child and her sister at the same time; we became very close friends. I was 12 years her junior.
When I start recalling my life at the Court my thoughts turn unwillingly to gloomy things. My memory is full of horrors which the Emperor and the Empress had to go through. But my mood changes and I begin to smile when sitting alone in my room I start remembering my summer vacations spent with the Tsar's family in Finland.
I first visited Finland in 1905 on the Tsar's yacht the "Polar Star". We spent about two weeks in Koivisto. It was at that time that our friendship with the Tsarina was born, the friendship that lasted 12 years. ... Then I visited Finland 9 times more when I accompanied the Tsar and the Tsarina on the royal yacht "Standard". Those stays were longer than the first one — they usually lasted about 2 months. ...
The Tsar and the Tsarina would go ashore from time to time. A small steam-boat took the family to the shore of the mainland or one of the islands; thus they gave themselves a chance of complete relaxation and rest of the official side of their life. ...
... The Emperor was a good swimmer and he devoted every moment of his free time to that sport. The Empress was the only one from the family who could not swim because of her weak heart. ...
I remember those summer trips in every detail. I remember my first morning tea on the Imperial yacht. I remember the Empress wearing a small white straw hat and a white English blouse with a black bow and big diamond ear-rings and rings. I see her pouring tea and chattering merrily with the Tsar. The Tsar used to call her "my little sun" — at that time that name especially matched her. She turned her tender gleaming look to her children and talked to the Tsar about them. ...
When the yacht reached the shore of the archipelago or some island, the Tsar and the Tsarina often went to visit one of the nearest villages to talk to peasants. The population of Koivisto and the Eastern arm of the Gulf of Finland could speak some Russian as those places often had visitors from St. Petersburg. Those village supplied St. Petersburg with agricultural products and the peasants often went to the Russian capital to shop. It drew 2 or 3 thousand Finns from the coastal villages closer to Russians and it was easy for the Tsar and the Tsarina to deal with them.
Once walking there the Tsarina and the children entered a small clean cottage and found an old woman there sitting at the spinning wheel. The old woman was not prepared for the visit and was surprised. The Tsarina stroked her on the head and showed interest in her work. The old woman soon understood who her guests were, smiled and curtseyed. She made coffee for the Tsarina and the children and served it with home-made bread.
Once when sailing on the "Standard" we got in an accident. We had a Finnish pilot and a captain whose name was Libek. We were followed by a Finnish steam yacht which belonged to the Pilot Institute of Finland. On that day we were passing by the archipelago Ganko. The weather was fine. We were all having tea in the Big dining-room. A brass band was playing. Suddenly we felt a terrible push. It seemed, the yacht jumped up in the air and then fell down on the water again. Then it stopped and its port side began to heel over. Everything happened in a second — the dishes and the vases with flowers were on the floor.
The Empress cried out in horror, the frightened children trembled and cried but the Tsar was calm. He explained to us that we had struck a reef. The alarm was sounded and all the crew of 200 people ran up on deck. A huge sailor Derevenko took care of the heir. He was hired to look after Aleksey and save him from hurting himself. Derevenko seized the boy and ran to the ship's bow with him. He was quick to realize that the boilers were situated right under the dining-room and that part of the yacht was the first to be damaged. We were all standing on deck. The port side of the yacht was sinking and any movement on the deck became impossible. Fortunately, the yacht got stuck on the reef — its shape prevented the yacht from heeling and its port side struck a rock and made it stop. But there was a hole in the yacht's side and the water ran inside. If the yacht had come off the rock we would have been drowned. The "Alacoon" helped us move on board the collier "Asia". We wrapped the things we could save in sheets.
The "Asia" was a big ship. The Tsar's family occupied several cabins there. To tell the truth, those cabins were far from being luxurious. I remember all of us gather in the lounge at about midnight to eat a rather poor dinner — Cubat served it in the lounge. ...
... The Empress used to tell me that her best memories of the happiest days of her life are associated with Finland. I never doubted that she was telling the truth — her life was usually very hard. ...
Easter holidays were usually very solemn. Before the war there was usually a church service in the Winter Palace that was followed by a gala reception. When the Tsar's family was in Tsarskoye Selo or in the Crimea the service took place in the palace's church. The Tsar and the Tsarina usually began to fast 6 days before Easter. On the Easter table there were Easter cakes, paskha and, of course, a lot of painted eggs.
According to the Russian tradition after the Easter service and on the days of the holiday all exchange a triple kiss (Easter salutation). On Easter Day, no matter where it was celebrated in Tsarskoye Selo or in the Crimea, the Tsar exchanged triple kisses with soldiers. I remember how we were standing behind a glass door and watching a ceremony taking place in the Small Palace in Livadia. The Tsar who was short had to stand on tip-toes to exchange a triple kiss with a tall guardsman and the latter was bending down carefully towards the Emperor. Some of them tried shyly to slip a red Easter egg into the Tsar's hand; he gave the soldiers porcelain eggs with his initials.
The Empress was busy in a different place. She exchanged triple kisses with school-girls and gave them Easter eggs with her initials.
They also exchanged triple kisses in the Palace. The Tsar and the Tsarina kissed all their subordinates. ...
... The Tsar's family was not supposed to go shopping either in St. Petersburg or in Tsarskoe Selo. But in the Crimea, especially on rainy days, when the streets were almost empty, the Tsarina and the children went to Yalta (4 or 5 miles from the palace). They left their carriage in one of the side streets and went to the embankment where there were a lot of stores. Once in the shop which belonged to Sembinsky who sold old pictures, frames, etc. the Tsarina put her wet umbrella in the corner where some rubbish was placed and started looking at the things displayed there. Suddenly Sembinsky cried out — "Madam, how could you dare to put your wet umbrella on my goods!" At that moment he turned his head to the window and saw a big crowd of people gathered at the shop — they tried to look inside and to follow each movement of the Tsarina and her children. They watched them with great interest. Poor Sembinsky understood who his customer was and got pale. The Tsarina laughed. We could hardly make our way through the crowd of people who stayed there in spite of the rain hoping to see the Tsarina and her children. On their way to the carriage the Empress and the children shook many hands. Many wanted to have souvenirs — buttons of the Empress's coat and pieces of her handkerchief.
... The Empress organized several hospitals for T.B. patients that were partly supported with the money got at the charity fairs that she often organized. The Empress and the children sent there their embroideries made after their own designs and the Empress's brother, the Duke of Hessen-Darmstadt often sent them beads and balls of all sizes and colours to make different ornaments. The Tsar's family used them to make charming necklaces.
Such fairs took place in Yalta each year. During the last fair its kiosks occupied the whole embankment. The Tsarina stood for hours on end behind the counter (though doctors ordered her full rest because of her weak heart) selling different things to numerous public who came there just to have a look at the Empress. Among the were the Tartars who had left their fortresses in the mountains and came down just to look at her. I saw how thousands of roubles in kopecks and small notes travelled from hand to hand. At the end of the fair the Empress, tired but happy, put the heir on the counter as he was giving people charms and other knick-knacks. The enthusiastic crowd loudly expressed their approval of the Empress and her son. As before, that year they collected a big sum of money for the hospitals...
To declare war the Tsar and the Tsarina had to go to St. Petersburg to the Winter Palace. The halls of the Winter Palace were full of people. Everyone who had a chance to get to the Palace used it. A crowd consisting of many thousands of people surrounded it. When the Tsar went out onto the balcony all and one went down on their knees.
When the war was declared all the courtiers gathered in the Nicholayevski Hall where the Tsar was to receive thousands of officials, ministers and noblemen. The Tsar made his famous speech which contained the following words: "I solemnly declare here that I shall not conclude peace until the last enemy soldier leaves our homeland."
Then a service took place. The hymn "To Thou Lord" reflected against the walls of the Palace was received with exultant cries of the crowd.
The Empress Alexandra Fyodorovna walked beside the Emperor holding his arm with her eyes full of tears. Standing in the doorway of the Malachite Sitting Room I touched her hand when she was passing by, we looked at each other and read understanding in each other's eyes. Her weakness didn't last long. On the next day she was a new person who forgot about her illness and weaknesses. She started organizing storehouses for linen, hospital and hospital trains equipment. It was important to do it fast. The Empress understood that thousands of badly wounded soldiers could start arriving after the first battle. She planned to create a network of hospitals and medical centres from St.Petersburg to Khatkov and Odessa in the south of Russia. One could not believe his eyes when he saw how strong the Empress was and what a great talent for organizing she possessed. She could forget all her troubles for the sake of others. ...
I went to say good-bye to my brother who was leaving for the front and then hurried back to the Empress who needed my help in her work. By the time of my brother's departure there had already been organized 10 hospital trains bearing the names of the Empress and her children; about 25 hospitals were opened in Tsarskoye Selo, Peterhof, Pavlovsk, Luga, Sablino and other close-by towns. The Empress, her two elder daughters and I worked as nurses under the supervision of the lady-doctor Guedroits. Every afternoon we studied theory, every morning we worked in the hospitals.
One may think that our work was a sort of game. But it was far from that. I shall describe one of our mornings to illustrate that. That morning I helped the Empress and the Grand Duchesses Olga who was 19 and Tatiana who was 17. It should be said that by that time we had had only two weeks of studies. We came to the hospital at 9 p.m. and went right to the operating-room where they brought the wounded taken from the trains coming from the front. Words fail me to describe their condition. Their clothes were just rags soaked with blood. They were covered with mud from head to toes, many of them did not realize if they were dead or alive; they were suffering of terrible pain.
We washed our hands in the disinfection solution and got down to work. At first we needed to undress the wounded, better to say, to take off their muddy rags. After that it was necessary to was their crippled bodies and injured faces, to clear the eye-sockets often filled with a bloody mass. Yes, we could appreciate the modern war with its most civilized methods of destruction from the horse's mouth! Experienced nurses helped us with their advice and soon the Empress became a first-class nurse. I saw the Empress of the whole of Russia standing at the operating table with a full syringe in her hands, handing the surgeon his instruments and assisting at the most serious operations, taking the amputated extremities from the surgeon's hands, taking off the soldiers' lousy clothes, breathing in the stench and watching the horrors of a military hospital at war-time compared to which an ordinary hospital looks like a peaceful and quiet shelter. Since that time I saw much grief, I spent three years in Bolshevik prison but it was nothing compared to that horrible experience in the war hospital.
The Empress told me once that only once in her life she felt genuine pride when she received her nurse's certificate. The Grand Duchesses Olga and Tatiana as well as myself successfully passed those exams, too. ...
The Empress had an in-born talent for the nurse's work. When looking after the wounded she seemed to fill the surrounding atmosphere with her tenderness and willpower; everyone was drawn to her as if by instinct. Even before the war she was always with those who were sick and where her help was needed. When the Tsar fell ill with typhoid in Livadia — it was at the beginning of his reign when the Empress was bearing their first child- she took care of her husband day and night in spite of her condition not willing to leave him for a moment with a servant or even a doctor. In 1907 Anastasia fell ill with diphtheria. Having sent the family to Peterhof the Empress took care of her sick daughter herself until the girl recovered. During the whole month when Anastasia was sick she would let no one approach herself and only in the evenings the Empress went out to the park for a walk with the Tsar far from the palace. She was afraid the Tsar could carry the infection to other children. She behaved just in the same way when she took care of the heir from the first days of his life never letting him be out of her sight and when he felt worth she sat at his bedside all the nights through.
...The Empress also received a warm welcome in Novgorod when she came there about two months before the revolution. I saw the people's attitude to the Empress in the cathedrals and monasteries — they tried to do something very nice to see a smile on her face. The Empress was "drowned" in presents which were mostly hand-made things, souvenirs, etc. In one of the cloisters the Empress visited an old woman who had been for many years put in heavy irons. Religious people sometimes tried to become saints by torturing themselves and destroying their bodies. That woman belonged to them. When the Empress approached her she exclaimed: "Here comes a martyr, Empress Alexandra!".
The Court and the Duma were the centres of intrigues, the population stayed away from them, at least the majority of the population. I often accompanied the Empress in her tours around Russia and everywhere we went the people showed their devotion to the Empress. I remember in Krakov crowds of university students came out to greet the Empress carrying her portrait and burning torches; they unharnessed the horses and drove the carriage themselves along the streets of the town. When she arrived in a town the Empress's first question was where the wounded were and did her best to visit all the hospitals herself. The directors of the hospitals often quarreled as each of them wanted the Empress to visit the hospital in his charge.
During one of our trips we visited three towns - Oryol, Kursk and Kharkov. We went by a special train that moved softly and very fast and the Empress often lay down for a while between two stops. The Empress usually felt well during long trips and didn't seem very tired. It looked as if she had forgotten her illnesses of the past that made her stay in bed most of her time. Once we arrived in Tula which was a small town. The only means of transport there was the Bishop's carriage — there was not a single car in the whole city. We came to the cathedral where the Bishop blessed the Empress and on behalf of the parish gave her a big icon. The Empress gave it to me to carry. When we were leaving the cathedral the crowd separated us. Going downstairs I fell down and dropped the icon. With great difficulty I managed to get to the Empress's carriage. It was hard for the Empress's escort to persuade the people to disperse and let us pass. The ecstatic crowd was literally beside itself with enthusiasm. And it all happened a year before the revolution.
Once the Empress wished to stop at a small dirty station where there was a monastery several miles away from it. The chief of the station rushed to look for a carriage to take her there. There was a great fuss in the monastery when they learned that the Empress was coming.
When she travelled with the Emperor they received more official greetings. Everything had been arranged in advance and the Emperor and the Empress knew all their stops on the way. But once it became known in a small town situated not far from the railway station that the royal train would pass it by and a huge crowd of people gathered on the platform; people even climbed the trees and the roofs of the surrounding houses. The train was not supposed to stop at the station according to the time-table but quite unexpectedly it stopped there for some reason. The window curtains of the Tsar's carriage were drawn as it was already late. The Empress opened the curtains and appeared in the window. The crowd greeted her by singing the national anthem. The Empress could not persuade the Tsar to come up to the window. He refused saying that station was not included into his itinerary. The train left the station and was followed by loud cheers. It was a year before the revolution. I remember how upset I was by the fact that the Emperor had not come out to greet the crowd. Recalling this episode later I thought that, perhaps, he understood even then how little one could trust an ecstatic crowd the mood of which was changing every moment. ...
... In the first place the Empress was mother and wife. At the beginning she tried not to get involved in public affairs to be able to dedicate most of her time to her family. She hated show and luxury. She was not at all particular about her dresses and her servants had to remind her sometimes to order a new dress. She could wear the same dress for years. During the war she didn't buy a single new one.
The Empress was strict with her children and taught them to live modestly. Like in any big family clothes of the elder children passed to the younger ones. In Finland when they were on the islands her children wore simple cotton dresses. If they had survived in the revolution, they would surely have accommodated themselves without difficulty to a very simple life.
The Empress got special assignments for her wardrobe but she never spent the whole sum on herself giving a lot of money to the poor and making donations. Sometimes it happened that when she needed a new dress at last she had not a penny left. They say, she gave much money to Rasputin. As far as I know he didn't get a penny from the Tsar's and Tsarina's purse. He was only given shirts, socks and other things made by the Empress herself or the Grand Duchesses. Sometimes he got some money to pay his fare to go home to Siberia.
The Empress was constantly worried about her daughters' future. She cried bitterly when she thought that they would never be able to get married for love as they belonged to the royal family and their choice of the future husband would always have to be motivated by political or other considerations of the kind. I shall dwell on it later in the chapter dedicated to the Grand Duchesses.
Alexandra Fyodorovna had her own secretary, Count Rostovtsev. He was in charge of the Tsarina's office. That office registered all the incomes and expenditures of the official sums.
I know that the Tsarina spent many thousands of her personal sums on the poor but she always tried to keep it secret. In the Crimea the Empress often donated money for the treatment of patients of the Crimean sanatoria and she asked me to help her in doing that.
The Empress was sincerely sorry for those who were sick and even cried when she thought of them. Many people whose health was restored thanks to her help blessed her name. I had kept a lot of letters containing this information but they were all lost during the revolution.
The Empress put a lot of energy into the organization of workhouses all over Russia. Her idea was to help people by giving them jobs. And many unemployed got jobs in those workhouses and those who were not skilled to do any work were taught some craft. Those workhouses were especially helpful in the years of famine.
The Tsarina organized a nurses' college in Tsarskoe Selo where girls and young mothers were taught to look after children and the sick. Some colleges in St. Petersburg which were called "patriotic schools" were patronized by the Empress. I should also mention the industrial college founded by the Empress for the Russian peasant girls. After finishing that college the girls returned home to Russia's most distant places and became teachers of needle-work. On leaving school the girls got all the necessary equipment for their work. The Empress often visited that school and its headmistress visited the Empress from time to time to listen to the Empress's orders and advice. Sometimes I found the Empress and Mrs. Schneider on their knees making a design for a mat. The Empress had a good feeling for art. For example, the director of the Imperial Porcelain Factory often brought patterns of designs for the Empress to improve and correct them.
The Empress seldom wished to be in the company of her maids-of-honour with the exception of Princess Baryatinskaya at the beginning of her reign and Princess Orbeliani. They were her friends. She was always just to all those who served her but she wanted them to be absolutely truthful — even a very innocent lie could make her angry. She was not capable of pretending and false smiles and never tried to charm the crowd. My father used to say: "A cup of tea could have saved the situation" — he meant that if the Empress hadn't been so unsociable and had arranged receptions from time to time she would have enjoyed greater popularity. She lacked ingenuousness that usually fascinates the crowd.
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