Sources:
Alexandra Feodorovna: Diaries and Correspondence, volume 2: Engagement and Marriage, 1894, pages 16 to 17, by George Hawkins, 2023
The letter:
April 23d 1894. Gatchina.
May 5th
№ 3.
My own sweet beloved little girly-darling,
What joy your delightful letter from Darmstadt gave me. Every morning I am looking forward to receive a little message from you my душка! You don't know how happy every line you write makes me; I read your letters through till I know them almost by heart & then the words sound oh! tho thweet! tho thweet to my ears! Today looking over my boxes with letters I found to my great delight your too sweet old things from 1889 — it made my heart leap from joy because it reminded me of a good time!? — Often have I repeated to myself these verses that I love now the more as they appear to have told these:
Strive - Wait - and - Pray.
Strive: yet I do not promise
The prize you dream of today
Will not fade when you think to grasp it
And melt in your hand away.
But another and holier treasure
You would now perchance disdain,
Will come when yr. toil is over
And pay you for yr. all your pain. —
Wait: yet I do not tell you
The hour you long for now
Will not come with its radiance vanished
And a shadow upon its brow.
Yet far through the misty future
With a crown of starry light
An hour of joy you know not
Is winging her silent flight.
Pray: though the gift you ask for
May never come for your fears
May never repay your pleading
Yet pray and with hopeful tears
An answer — not that you long for
But diviner, will come, one day.
Your eyes are too dim to see it
Yet; strive & wait & pray! —
If my own darling knew what o'clock it is she would be furious with poor me! but it is so nice writing quite by one self when every soul is sleeping! So better I bid you good-night my little soul! Three fond kisses and God's blessings upon you me sweet darling!... —
May 6th. Good-morning my own precious one! I am just aroused from my slumber, which had been disturbed at 3.0 in the night by an insolent bat. My man, my dog & myself hunted the beast for nearly half an hour before we at last managed to catch the brute in a corner. Then I went to bed again but could not by all possible means go to sleep as I became very hot. All that comes from staying up too late by night & from keeping an open window, but it is so warm you cannot pass a night without any fresh air! I know you agree with me little girly-dear because you also like cold fresh air in the rooms and open windows if possible. —
Noch einmal, noch einmal, noch einmal — nachtigal!.. Oh! that delightful sweet melody. For ever shall I love it & remember those golden days in Coburg! If you only knew how dreadfully I miss my darling little one. If I were allowed to go only on foot to see you again I would set out directly! It seemed too cruel to be separated for such an endless time, I feel I cannot stand it, I shall try to get away earlier. Of course the most heavenly thing for me would be to come & live with you a bit at Walton, but there is no place I fear at Victoria's house & it would derange her greatly. Fancy we would be quite at leisure there. oh! no that is too good to think of! —
Yesterday we all drove out in the park in a "lineika" & after that rowed about the lake in our canoes. Then there came a tremendous shower & we rushed home. It is so warm that we wear already our white uniforms; the weather is exactly like what we had in Darmstadt. Ella & Serge (the governors) came for tea & stayed till after dinner. How those reminded me of those evenings at the schloss when we had nowhere to go to during the hofconcerts & of all that row going on in that small room smelling of bier & smoke.
It is a Sunday & in a few minutes I must go to my Parents & then to church. There I shall pray deeply & fervently for my own darling, that God may keep her always away from grief & sorrow and that He would help you and strengthen you my own sweet one! Good-bye until this evening my beloved precious little girl. With many & fond kisses ever & ever your own true & devoted Nicky.
Above: Nicholas and Alix. Photo courtesy of Ilya Grigoryev on Flickr.
Notes: душка = darling.
"Strive, Wait and Pray" = a poem by Adelaide Anne Procter.
Noch einmal, noch einmal, noch einmal, Nachtigall = once more, once more, once more, nightingale.
Schloss = castle.
Bier = beer.
Hofconcerts = court concerts.
